Now... I know it kind of sucks, but I've done some renovation and forgot about the version on here, using the old piece I had created on Word, a while back. (FYI, that's also why all of the new lines are capitalized unnecessarily)... yeah. Also, I took out the psychopathic spaz moment at the end, I will admit that sounds really bad now, so it's gone. The rhyming (I hope) has been improved, by my viewpoint, and I've tried to incorporate that feeling of doubt in there, but I *doubt* it worked out that way, so I just decided to re-title it. A small attempt at explaining why the girl was part of the story is also added. The run-on of questions has been muzzled to it's own section, and I've answered my own doubts, like you asked for me to do. I hope this is better than the original post, so please bare with me as I improve. Please and thanks youhs for reading!
It seems as if my love resides, Beside him when I can’t decide; I wish that I could hold his hand, Even when in reprimand. Then I saw him look at her, the way he smiled, it almost hurt. That girl asking me the same questions, warning me with simple suggestions. I try and try to stay away from all the crap she might say, there still are doubts that she’s right, and that leaves me in a fright. Maybe I’m not the only one he loves with his heart undone, whenever I’m not in his sight, he’s got another to hold tight… Then I know that she’s a slut, never would he make that cut, he loves me, strong and true, there’s depth in his “I love you”. ~~~~~ And not to be mean, or rude, …But really? Has she gone behind my back? Yes, she has. She’s put on quite an attack. She thinks she can make him cheat on me? He wouldn’t dare, as she can see. Do I not love him like I thought I did? No, you have, your love is splendid. She can’t have what’s mine, My love, my trust, on a fine line. I hope she has an alibi. ~~~~~ “My love,” he says, with truth in his eyes, “you must understand how hard I have tried, in every single thing I do, I have to remember that I love only you. And even in my worst hour, I will keep my distance from whoever is sour. Herein, a promise I can take on, I can hold it; cherish it, this problem foregone.” A solemn hug was exchanged, silent and golden I know he was changed. He walked away with a weight on his shoulder, though the other girl, now lost, must feel much colder.
this is a really good peom i want to startr off telling you that this poem conveys some strong emotion,and that you really get across that you're upset about the situation, i like these kind of sad-starting hapy-ending things, they're really great,and i know i am not the "perfect writer" but you could try and not use the words slut? im just kidding (this chick sounds like one anyways)so i'd like to see alot more from you, and i really think you are good at poetry
Thought I'd drop a review while I'm at it. I'm tired and not in the greatest mood, so I warn you ahead of time.
A poem about relationships/cheating? Please no more. You spend your poem insulting the girl the other boy is with. You're narrator is so superficial it's ridiculous.
'Ya, I'm going to b*tch about this girl because she's stealing my boyfriend.'
Doesn't that seem a little silly, because it's not only her fault, it's the guy's fault. And the lack of realization of that in the poem just creates a clingy, extremely defensive generic poem, hot off the press.
My question to you is: Nothing more original? Because if he cheated, does the reader really care? You want to apply things more broadly to welcome the reader and have them be able to relate to it. This is a narrow minded poem that goes along with all the others.
I'm really not a fan of swearing and slang and extensive use of question marks. You're asking a question, it may be rhetorical but it removes any mirage of a poem.
Also, you can try to imply what people have to say. I do the same. I tuck the information they give me and use it another time. But trying to cram all that information into one poem is too much. Just relax and let it come to you.
If you want to improve, get away from the slang and generic romance poems and you'll have more of a chance.
Kamas
My horribly mean review of your older one is in there^ Do with it as you wish.
Thanks everyone for the criticism! To tell the truth, this is a second body of a piece I had made earlier in the year. I was *kind of* trying to incorporate what people were complaining about with my last piece, and I guess I should just stick to what I know, because all I'm getting out of that is more criticism than I want. So... I'll post my original...
I think the biggest problem here is the mixed message that you've got going on. You want to make it so that your poem relates to the title and so that we really get the feeling of doubt coming across in your writing. Unfortunately, all we're getting at the moment is this feeling of hatred towards the other girl. You haven't focused on the message at hand, you've sort of meandered of track and gone all hardcore on this person. I feel like you should've stuck with the original subject really. In addition, you have a very conspicuous lack of poetic devices which leave the poem a little weak. They are your backbone, why not use them?
Let me first point out that you don't need to capitalize the beginning of every line, it follows the same rules as when writing for stories, capitalize when you start a new sentence. Now about the poem itself...you begin by rhyming every line, then you get to
I try and try to stay away From all the crap she says,
and just kind of toss it out the window. After a few quick pieces about doubting his loyalty, then you turn it into a rant about another girl!! You return to questioning
But really? Does she think that what I said was true? That he was actually cheating on me? That I was denying what has been? That I don’t love him like I do? Like the sun and the stars, the earth and the moon?
Now after this you go into a crazy kind of psycho monster, and threatening her with bodily harm.
Overall this to me wasn't really poetry, more of a griping rant, there was no poetic qualities to it, no flow, no nothing that I would really see to make it a poem. You want to capture a feeling in poetry and use words to us paint a picture, and you just didn't. I'm sorry but it's true. You have passion, and I'd like to see you do a little better next time okay? Keep writing, and you'll improve.
Yeah, I've gotta agree with Icubed. It's definetely a clutered piece with a lot of questions. The piece is about doubt; answer to your own questions with what you want to hear. It may add a bit of unwanted length, but there's never a need for limits on poetry, or else it wouldn't be poetry. Just try and add some lines inbetween the questions reassuring yourself of what you want to beleive.
Aside from that, it's a good piece. I love the subject of doubt because people can treat it in so many ways, and lead in so many directions. They could fearlessly investigate it, they could find it normal and average, or in this piece's case, it could take them on a metaphorical roller coaster.
But really? Does she think that what I said was true?That he was actually cheating on me?That I was denying what has been?That I don’t love him like I do?Like the sun and the stars, the earth and the moon?Does she think his priorities aren’t fine? ^^ ask 2 questions at once not that many spread them out. Other then that you seem very passionate which is good!
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Wow! This was a great poem, and I look very much forward to your works. Sadly, I have no comments on it, because other people beat me to it D:
Cheez_Burger
this is a really good peom
i want to startr off telling you that this poem conveys some strong emotion,and that you really get across that you're upset about the situation, i like these kind of sad-starting hapy-ending things, they're really great,and i know i am not the "perfect writer" but you could try and not use the words slut? im just kidding (this chick sounds like one anyways)so i'd like to see alot more from you, and i really think you are good at poetry
love,
Kilo
Oh noes! I had to redo a review? D:
I'll be nicer this time. I'll post it in a sec.
Spoiler
Thought I'd drop a review while I'm at it. I'm tired and not in the greatest mood, so I warn you ahead of time.
A poem about relationships/cheating? Please no more. You spend your poem insulting the girl the other boy is with. You're narrator is so superficial it's ridiculous.
'Ya, I'm going to b*tch about this girl because she's stealing my boyfriend.'
Doesn't that seem a little silly, because it's not only her fault, it's the guy's fault. And the lack of realization of that in the poem just creates a clingy, extremely defensive generic poem, hot off the press.
My question to you is: Nothing more original? Because if he cheated, does the reader really care? You want to apply things more broadly to welcome the reader and have them be able to relate to it. This is a narrow minded poem that goes along with all the others.
I'm really not a fan of swearing and slang and extensive use of question marks. You're asking a question, it may be rhetorical but it removes any mirage of a poem.
Also, you can try to imply what people have to say. I do the same. I tuck the information they give me and use it another time. But trying to cram all that information into one poem is too much. Just relax and let it come to you.
If you want to improve, get away from the slang and generic romance poems and you'll have more of a chance.
Kamas
My horribly mean review of your older one is in there^
Do with it as you wish.
Thanks everyone for the criticism! To tell the truth, this is a second body of a piece I had made earlier in the year. I was *kind of* trying to incorporate what people were complaining about with my last piece, and I guess I should just stick to what I know, because all I'm getting out of that is more criticism than I want. So... I'll post my original...
Hey there!
I think the biggest problem here is the mixed message that you've got going on. You want to make it so that your poem relates to the title and so that we really get the feeling of doubt coming across in your writing. Unfortunately, all we're getting at the moment is this feeling of hatred towards the other girl. You haven't focused on the message at hand, you've sort of meandered of track and gone all hardcore on this person. I feel like you should've stuck with the original subject really. In addition, you have a very conspicuous lack of poetic devices which leave the poem a little weak. They are your backbone, why not use them?
~Amy
Let me first point out that you don't need to capitalize the beginning of every line, it follows the same rules as when writing for stories, capitalize when you start a new sentence. Now about the poem itself...you begin by rhyming every line, then you get to
and just kind of toss it out the window. After a few quick pieces about doubting his loyalty, then you turn it into a rant about another girl!! You return to questioning Now after this you go into a crazy kind of psycho monster, and threatening her with bodily harm.Overall this to me wasn't really poetry, more of a griping rant, there was no poetic qualities to it, no flow, no nothing that I would really see to make it a poem. You want to capture a feeling in poetry and use words to us paint a picture, and you just didn't. I'm sorry but it's true. You have passion, and I'd like to see you do a little better next time okay? Keep writing, and you'll improve.
Yeah, I've gotta agree with Icubed. It's definetely a clutered piece with a lot of questions. The piece is about doubt; answer to your own questions with what you want to hear. It may add a bit of unwanted length, but there's never a need for limits on poetry, or else it wouldn't be poetry. Just try and add some lines inbetween the questions reassuring yourself of what you want to beleive.
Aside from that, it's a good piece. I love the subject of doubt because people can treat it in so many ways, and lead in so many directions. They could fearlessly investigate it, they could find it normal and average, or in this piece's case, it could take them on a metaphorical roller coaster.
Have a nice day! Keep up it up!
But really? Does she think that what I said was true?That he was actually cheating on me?That I was denying what has been?That I don’t love him like I do?Like the sun and the stars, the earth and the moon?Does she think his priorities aren’t fine?
^^ ask 2 questions at once not that many spread them out. Other then that you seem very passionate which is good!