Breathe

It thought this a very thoughtful piece. I liked it. However, some words could be a bit more descriptive and just an overall better choice in language. This was also mentioned in the comment above.

I was confused as to if you were trying to have a pattern or if you unintentionally rhymed. When you rhyme, you need to either have it throughout the whole thing, or not at all. The rhyming takes away from the piece in my personal opinion.

Lastly, your verses were choppy. They ended in random spots, etc.

Keep working on it, because it is a decent poem. Good luck!

-Miss Sarah Elizabeth

icanbefixed wrote:"Breathe, Bonnie,"
Oh yeah, air.

I let myself suck in, (hah, sorry I think some better phrasing or changing it's use)
ecstasy at last.

Somehow forgotten
and unlikely foreign,
the air's redemption (Que?)
almost aghast.

It's almost unbearable,
guilt-trips and
crazy schemes. (How did we jump to this?

Unbreakable friendships
tearing at the seams.

But yet, (Might want to re-think 'but')
as it unfolds,
I see the brighter side.

There were problems,
miscommunications
that I knew were there,
but didn't want to see;

problems that were hidden
by the giant ego of
me. (rhyming is kinda getting in the way of the flow, and your line separations are a bit confusing.)

It blinded me,
hid me, (How hid?)
broadly skeptical.

All there was,
behind the lines,
was a small
pinky-hold on (Bit choppy)
everything I once had,
I was slowly slipping away,
and I was saved.

"Bonnie,"
a friend says,
"Breathe in
again."

Oh yeah,
air.

I need that.