She
had wide eyes that didn’t see,
but beheld
everything in their sight,
fingers forever stained with childhood’s innocence,
and hair so wispy and blonde
that it almost looked white in the sun’s blinding light.
She
never saw a sickly, barren tree,
for
leaves nor dreams could ever fall
in
the time that she existed,
which
was a few long days and lively short-lived nights
on which the world’s darkness had no hold.
She
was never allowed to leave the place
where her mother's music swirled with color
and
color felt louder on the skin,
where
good beginnings never saw their end
and
she could eternally stay safe
as summer's child.
She
couldn’t continue to grow with me,
and never met love, sorrow, or life’s other seasons,
but
I cannot be disheartened.
She is like summer
and
I know I’ll surely see her again
in
another year.
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140,221 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
This is very beautiful and sweet.
"She never saw a sickly, barren tree, for leaves nor dreams could ever fall in the time that she existed," For me this line reinforces the fact that she had "fingers forever stained with childhood’s innocence," She, in innocence, never saw the bad,dead,things of life. She also, literally, never saw a sickly barren tree.
"She couldn't continue to grow with me," I honestly almost lost my cool at this line, but went on to "I cannot be disheartened.She is like summer and I know I’ll surely see her again in another year." I saw hope.
Again, beautiful poem.
Thanks for the kind review!
This is a very lovely poem! However, I don't think my interpretation is what you're actually trying to portray.
But to me, it's about a girl who died at a young age. She had hopes and dreams and a bright future ahead of her.
Her wishes, of course, could not be self-granted because she's young and reliant. So she could see, but couldn't at the same time. She hasn't seen the world yet.
She was just an innocent girl so she died an angel.
Was that good?
Thanks for the review! This isn't exactly the interpretation I had originally intended, but as the reader you're encouraged to interpret this poem in any way you want. What I meant by the see vs. beheld thingy, is that she didn't merely see, she beheld everything with wonder and appreciation. But you're interpretation was good and pretty close to what I meant for the poem to portray.
That is so sweet, truly. Definitely innocent and I see that is a "few long days" after her birth she died. I imagine them to be long because she was sick and the parent was there every second and it all went so slow.
One thing that I think is off though is the "eternally" here: "and she could eternally stay safe". It sort of disrupts the rhythm. "Stay eternally safe" would be better. I also agree with Falconer on the lines issue; good you fixed it.
But you definitely have poetry in you!
Thanks for the review!
Hello Hermione,
I saw this poem exactly the way you intended; a child dying only days after her birth. The imagery was great, and the emotions you attached to each stanza were clear to me. However, on to some of the things that I think needed some more work.
Although this poem is free verse, the stanzas seem to stand out as an issue to me. Each stanza seems like a rather long sentence. The wording is fine, but the lines don't do anything for you. For example,
This would make just as much sends, perhaps more, if you didn't have separate lines. However, this is poetry and you may want to fully take advantage of the line separation. It's completely up to you, but I would do something like,
I don't know, just break things up differently. Once again, totally up to you.
Also, in this stanza,
I think the first line would sound much better if you moved never to be in front of allowed, "never allowed to leave" as opposed to "allowed to never leave" which doesn't make as much sense. And in the second/third line: Color felt louder on the skin. Louder than what? Music? Summer? Perhaps try to elaborate, if you can.
And I think that's it. Overall, great work! I still love your imagery best of all, it puts some really good pictures into my mind.
Hope this helps!
-Falco
Thanks for the review, it was very helpful.
I tried breaking up the lines differently and I think I like it better. What do you think?
Great! That's what I meant. I think it's better now. I like the way you've divided it.