For many years I had practiced
How
to walk and not trip on the wire,
How
to hold out my hands and steady my steps
As
the stakes were raised higher and higher.
I
had gotten quite skilled at the difficult act.
Keeping
my eyes straight ahead was the trick.
I
could not let them stray, no, not one bit,
Or
suddenly the wire would become perilously slick.
Looming
below was the ominous ground,
A
sea of concrete, unforgiving as ever,
I
was haunted by the terrifying thought
That
if I fell I’d be stuck there forever.
I
was fed stories of life on the ground,
Full
of misery, heartache, and tears.
So
naturally, falling off of the wire
Was
one of my greatest fears.
But
there came a day when the gale blew high
That
I caught eye of your smile, easy and benign.
My balance was forgotten; my
legs began to shake
When
your startling blue eyes met mine.
You
persistently tried to coax me off of the wire,
But
I was reluctant to go,
So
you softly sang me all the way down
To
a place of beauty, love and woe.
Over
the years of my time on the ground,
I’ve
found this statement to be true:
An entire lifetime of perfecting my balance
Still
couldn’t have kept me from falling for you.
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Canary word: Present
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127,785 Literary Works • 671,486 Reviews
This is an incredible poem! I really loved it, and overall , it was a delightful read. The flow and wording are really nice, as is the story it tells, but there are a few minor changes that could be helpful. For one, the second stanza, first line "I had gotten quite skilled at the dificult act." could move more naturally into the second line if there were a comma instead if a period at the end. Additionally, the sixth stanza, last line "To a place of beauty, love and woe" might seem a little less harsh if a comma was places between 'love' and 'and'. Other than that, this piece is fantastic! The words are so detailed and well thought out, and it just is so beautiful!
Hey! FireBird99 here for a review!
Woah, this is a really cool poem. It started out and I was thinking of all the difficulties in life that happens and that you try to pass. Then in the end you put such a sweet, romance to it. It was really awesome how you did that. I think this may be one of my favorite poems up on YWS. It was kind of a cool twist you gave it.
Sorry I wasn't much help in critiquing the poem. I'm not very good in poetry. That doesn't stop me from reading it though!
Awesome job!
~Fire
This was very, very sweet! I loved the ending. It was perfect in every way! I hate love stories, but make the occasional exception when it came to yours.
With all that, let me add the cherry on top. This was the BOMB! And I mean it. Everything was awesome! I'm rambling again aren't I?...Never mind. This was cool, and may I be the fourth to say so. And, for the conclusion, may you find a four-leaf clover today (or tonight depending on your time zone). Have a awesome day!!!
The way you described trying not to fall, made my toes curl. I could sense you were afraid of falling. Here's a good pointer you could use. What if you made it to the other side of the wire? That question was looming over me, and I was dying to ask you. If you could answer that question, this review probably would be longer. Anyways, I'm rambling, here's the rest of the review.
Okay, the two major things I look for in poetry are feelings, and wording. Those are what truly makes a poem, in my opinion of course. 1) Feelings: In this area you had it perfectly grasped in your hands. I could feel your emotions completely. This is what made the poem feel real. Good job on that! 2) Wording: It flowed smoothly, and from what I could tell there wasn't any punctuation mistakes. Then again, I was completely captured by the bliss, that I wasn't really paying attention to that.
~Laelle
Hello!
I really really really really like this poem. I cannot stress how hard this poem hits me in the feels.
I have a question about the 2nd to last stanza.
You wrote in the 3rd line: "So you softly sang me all the way down"
I feel like it would make more sense if it was changed to: "So you softly sang to me all the way down"
However, these two statements do mean different things so it may change what you are trying to express. I'm not sure which meaning you were trying to show, but the original line sounded a bit awkward when I read it.
Keep up the good work!
Ƥєтєя Ƥαη
Hello Hermione315,
I love this poem so much! It has wonderful imagery, the high wire and the wind being the one you love. The only minor changes I would make to this poem would be to omit the words "perilously" in the second stanza and "conventional" in the fourth stanza. Of course this is your poem and I can't control what you do with it, but the reason to omit these two words is they make those lines have one too many syllables. It just creates a rut that the reader gets stuck in. It just throws the reader out of the rhythm of your poem.
Overall though this is an amazing poem. The only two small things I saw were merely nit-pick things. As always keep writing amazing poetry!
-Incohesive Scribbles
I agree with you that I should take out the word conventional, and I think I'm going to play around with the line that has the word 'perilously' in it. Thanks for your review!
Okay, what else is there to say but perfection. That is exactly what this poem is. It is perfection. There are so many things to love about this poem, and so many relatable things that almost anyone can say that they have been through as well.
So, this poem had a wonderful and great title. I'm sorta big on titles because of the fact that there is so much hype in it. The title is the eye catcher, the reason you get attention from people who do knot personally know your work. This is the thing that gravitates people towards your work, and the title you have chosen does exactly that. It pulls people in out of curiosity. So, good job, you definitely know how to do that.
Also, the length of the poem. The length will attract some people more than others. It's a perfect length for those who like to take in everything. It allows you room to think. I'm sorry if that makes no sense, but that's just how I see it lol.
I love the overall idea as well. You have a great story to tell. This is where relatablilty comes in. Some people are so scared to fall in love. Some people tell stories as to why falling in love sucks. there are also those people who are attached to the "high wire" and will not let go and have a chance to fall in love. But, just like this poem pointed out, with the right person all of that disappears, and you slowly change your mind.
I love this poem! It is so beautiful and so true! I love the way you described this while using the idea of a 'high wire'. You did a great job! One of my favorite pieces on this site!
Keep writing bro.
~#41
Thanks for your review!