My
favorite thing used to be singing
While
I collected shells by the shore.
The
waves stirred the melodious strings of my heart,
And
made me dream that its depths held More.
One
day rose out of the water
A
young boy, a dreamer like I.
We
shared our thoughts while he helped me find shells;
He
left me there with a smile and a sigh.
From
then on we met there more often;
We
spent many blissful hours in the sand.
I
was unsure if he heard the sea’s whispers, like me,
That
is, until he first held my hand.
Before
we knew it we’d fell into something
That
we were scared to give a real name.
It
was wonderful and terrifying at the same time,
But
it was beautiful all the same.
Storms,
winds, nor treacherous tides
Succeeded to pull us apart,
But
something more dangerous was sent barreling our way:
A
ripple within our hearts.
We
dismissed the disturbance for days,
Though
it left us pale with unease,
But
as ripples do, it grew into a wave
That
left us helpless and begging on knees.
There
was no way to stop this tsunami
That
left us frozen, paralyzed in fright,
So
I watched with dismay as it washed him away
Into
the horrors and dark of the night.
Now
the sea no longer calls out to me,
Its
whispers I’ve ceased to hear;
They
all went away that dreadful day
Our
love was snatched away by Fear.
Since
then I’ve tried hard to forget him;
He
was only the first to hold my hand.
“There’s
other fish in the sea,” they keep telling me,
But
I’m stuck waiting for him in the sand.
For
now I’ll collect some more shells
While
I walk, lonely, across the shore.
Things
are pretty much the same as they were before him,
But
I find it hard to sing anymore.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I'll get straight to it.
"My favorite thing used to be singing/While I collected shells by the shore;" Honestly, that semi-colon should be a period, in my opinion.
"One day rose out of the water/A young boy, a dreamer like I." The first time I read these lines, I was confused. I had to read it another time or two before I got it. Perhaps you should word it differently.
This is actually a pretty beautiful written poem that was also very thoughtful. You have done a good job with this. I really don't have much to correct on this work. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for your review!
Hey!
sorry if this review isn't much help, I just felt I wanted to add a few of my opinions in here.
I would like to say how nicely this poem flowed: the rhyming worked quite well which made for a relaxing red.
I like the innocence of this poem and how fresh it is. I found it easy to imagine the scene in my head which is always useful in poetry.
My favourite line would have to be 'until he first held my hand'. I thought this was a very subtle, warm turning point that made me, as the reader, feel something real in the poem.
I really liked this piece, lovely poem.
-plathonstone
Lovely poem. I don't really have any criticisms so this review won't be of much use to you but I'll post anyway. It's got a natural flow, its themes are clear and it brings out a feeling of catharsis.
I like how you use simple language to convey your emotions instead of trying to dazzle the reader. There's some nice images, "The waves stirred the melodious strings of my heart", drew me in. The capitalization of More and Fear are subtly effective (unless they're grammatical errors) and The third stanzas particularly nice, I don't know why but it just appeals to me. Keep on writing.
Hello, there, racket here to review your poem.
Dang, this is really, really good. I doubt I could ever write this well. Good job.
So, I really like how you use stanzas (thank you!!), and how they're not choppy at all. The really flow well together, and the story goes by before you even notice, even though this is a fairly long poem.
I see no grammar errors or punctuation problems. I like how you capitalize 'More' and 'Fear', though I'm not so sure this was necessary. I does kind of disrupt the flow of the poem, in that you have to pause and think for a while on why they were capitalized. But it does work in context, so it's your choice whether to change these or not.
These two lines are a little unclear, though I do like the rising out of the water metaphor, but it's difficult to tell what is rising out of the water. I doubt the boy literally rose out of the water, but we don't really know. Did the day rise out of the sea, or the boy? If it's the day, maybe say 'One day brought from the sea(or water, your choice), A young boy, a dreamer like I.'
Also, the 'I' at the end may not be correct. I think the proper word here would be 'myself', but 'I' does sound more poetic, doesn't it? So I guess whether to change that is your choice; I can't really decide, though the 'I' does bother me a bit there.
This part is also a little confusing. So, what I gather, is that the storms and winds pulled the two apart. But then their hearts were not as full of each as before. I thought they were already apart? But then a tsunami comes and takes him away forever.
Isn't he already gone, haven't they already left each other? And did he literally get killed in a tsunami, or is this a metaphor for something drastic that happened and just completely ended the relationship? I do really like your metaphors, but you have an awful lot of them here, which makes it a bit difficult to tell what is really happening.
How was Fear involved in the destruction of this relationship? You mention it in the third to last paragraph. My understanding was that something terrible had happened and severed their relationship, but if fear was involved....were they afraid of something happening to them if they stayed together? Maybe a bit of clarification is needed here. Is he afraid of her? She's longing for him, so she must not be afraid of him. Did he die? Did he just leave?
I really love this last stanza, especially the last line. Oh, it made me shiver! Geeze, where do you come up with these awesome lines?! I wish I could write like this; good job! This is awesome,; I really love this poem. Keep up the writing!
~racket
Hi there! Thanks for your review! You pointed out a typo: it was supposed to read as "storms, winds, nor treacherous tides". When you read it this way instead, it means that none of those things could pull the two apart.
The ripple was symbolic for fear. Same with the tsunami. The guy was driven away by fear, but whatever the fear was caused by is up to the reader's imagination. This poem sort of reflects a personal experience of mine, so I didn't specify what the fear was caused by.
Thanks again!
Ah, I see. Yes, that makes more sense. I'm sorry about that... Thanks for writing, though!