she was never good with words,
so in her solitude she composed
composed and chaotic symphonies,
whispering, moving, screaming, swelling,
saying all the things she never could.
they had rests that forced you to pause,
reflect, silence that didn’t demand to be
filled.
they had notes that gamboled across lines,
rose and fell like great mountains,
and then clashed, quaking the earth
into a perfectly orchestrated mess.
they were so beautifully written
on the lines and spaces of staffs,
so beautiful in her young, exceptional mind.
but she never got the hang of conducting.
the trumpets would shout too loudly
drowning out the light flitting of the flutes,
or the instruments would rush out too fast
and trip and stumble over one another,
making a sound to wake the dead,
to make the dead cringe in their graves.
she couldn’t harness the power of the tubas
who bellowed out at all the wrong times.
sometimes she would command the music to
start,
but the musicians, paralyzed in fright,
would never even draw their lips
nigh to their mouthpieces to play.
when the crowds realized the music would
never start,
they left their seats, leaving her in tears.
maybe she was never good with words,
Or maybe it was that they were never good to her.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey! I'm Kenzie and I really liked this literature poem you wrote. I think that the topic of it is very fascinating and full of truths and emotion. It is very wordy so I look at it and read it like a good story. You are very talented and this piece deserves credit for that. I like the diction you chose to write in this work, but I also really like how you made every word (even the beginning) lowercase. It really stands out and makes a statement. The transitional paragraphs from big to small is also very interesting as I did notice that pattern as well. And then the ending. That last line you start off with a Capital letter and it looks so out of place but maybe that is the whole reason you are putting it there, to make an impact? I am not for certain why you decided to do it that way all I know is that I like it. Good work, I cannot wait to see what you have in store to write in the near future!
-Kenz:)
Hey there! As you know, I absolutely love your poetry, so of course I'm here to review it.
Imagery
I love the overall metaphor you have going here. It's very sound, and from a musical standpoint it makes perfect sense that she can compose but not conduct, as those are two very different skills. And of course, that clearly shows that thinking of the words and speaking them are two very different skills as well. I can relate to this piece a lot - although I don't get that tongue-tied around my friends, I do when I meet new people and it's awful.
Honestly, there's one problem that makes this poem not as good as it could be. It just doesn't pack as much of a punch as it could, and that's because it's emotionally distant. We're not in the girl's head, and everything is just being straight-up told to us by some unemotional narrator. There are two things you could do to fix this, and I think if you did both of them you would wind up with a truly excellent poem. And they're really just structural changes.
1. Make it first person. This will get us deep in the girl's head, and when we're in her head it'll be easier to feel all her emotions and connect with her.
2. This one's a little more subtle. Basically, you're currently using past tense, and not just past tense, the one with all the "would"s. ("She would command," "would never." "would rush," etc. I don't know what the actual tense is called.) This not only regulates the events of the poem to the past, it implies that they don't happen anymore. It really puts it "far away" from the reader, so to speak.
Switching it to present tense, however, would help a lot, especially if you also change it to first person. We'll get to be with the girl and watch her go through the frustrating process, and we'll feel a lot more.
Nitpicks
I think this might be a typo? I'm not sure, but "composed composed and chaotic symphonies" doesn't make sense.
I understand where this is coming from in terms of the metaphor, but if you look at it literally it doesn't make a lot of sense. Why would the musicians be frightened? If you just said it was stage fright or something, that might do it. Maybe her musicians are middle schoolers or something.
Also, just keep in mind that some instruments, like strings, don't actually use their mouths to play. And if she's playing symphonies, there should be strings.
And I think that's all I've got for you! I enjoyed your poem, as always, and I'm looking forward to the next one!
Thanks for your review! You pointed out a lot of little things that need addressed, and I do believe I will try rewriting this in first person so that it leaves more of an impact on the reader. Your review was very helpful!
Hello! Geeky here
I see you just joined this year so first of all I would like to say welcome to yws sense I didn't say it sooner
I love this poem... It pulled me in right in the beginning
The only part that bothered me was the
"So in her solitude she composed
Composed and chaotic symphony's"
I think the composed twice in a row is a bit award and I had to read it multiple times to understand it.. I think it might distract people when reading it. I don't think you need to change it tho maybe just add a comma behind the first composed . Because it makes sense after I read it a couple times.
Other then that his poem is amazing ! I think you're a very talented writer ! Keep up the good work and never stop writing
I can't wait to hear more of your work
-geeky