I would write you a
thousand poems,
the finest words in
looping ink
licking crisp parchment,
proclaiming my adoration,
singing songs of the ardor
I felt when our hands brushed,
but never held,
but you don’t care much
for poetry,
and I could never settle
on the right words.
If I were to endeavor, I imagine the first few lines would whisper
something sappy and cliché
about the way your eyes
shimmered under a formerly
masked desire,
as we spoke in hushed voices
heard only by ourselves and the stars,
stars that soaked up the
soft sound and shone just a little brighter
in that effervescent
autumn sky.
Though it seems as if that
fleeting memory
has somewhat faded into
oblivion,
I have never been able to
forget the sensation
of a
m
b
l
i
n
g beside you down the woodland path,
a gentle breeze kissing my
eyelids with the scent of
crushed
leaves,
damp
bark,
and
glazed evergreen needles.
I studied in child-like
wonder
the playful beams of moonlight as they
cavorted across your
freckled skin.
We slid downhill on
loose earth, and suddenly…
slipped,
on the unspoken
proposition of being more than friends,
a new thought that had
penetrated our wandering
adolescent minds.
I would write you a
thousand poems
describing in great detail
precious seconds,
such as these,
that flitted out of my fingers
like dandelion seeds
caught in the winds of time,
but after all this time,
I’m not sure you would read
them.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello Tuesday for a review. I like to begin that I enjoyed the imagery in this poem as well as the message within this poem. I liked in the middle of the poem where you used concave poetry (?) as to show if the words are literally going down the page or something. The passion you put into this poem is amazing, if I do say so myself and also the little beats that flutter around in the stanzas.
I feel like the comma shouldn't be there. However, you may choose to leave it there if you must. Also I could suggest something for you, would be to add something; I felt when our hands brushed, but never were held or something because it seems more complete like that. However, you can choose to leave it so (up to you.)Nitpick(s):
There should be some commas in this line. Makes it seem more connected, not as a ramble line in this poem. I like to state that I enjoyed the alliteration in this poem because it gives a little rhythm also like a strong message too.
This line is good but one thing (a tiny thing) that I would suggest, would change one thing. It would be that seemed instead of has somewhat but like I had said before, you may keep it if you like.
Overall, this poem is good and amazing. I would feel what the narrator was feeling, as she had wanted the person to read the poems she would have written but never got the chance to. Also the imagery is very good, for most poems and this one seemed to have used it well.
I enjoyed the imagery in this stanza since the reader could imagine the smell, the feel, and the sight of what could be around the narrator.
Also throughout the poem, you show a strong feeling of the narrator trying to figure out a way to let the person she loves, about how much she really loves them.
Farewell,
Tuesday
Hey hermione315. xJ here to review your work. Let's take this stanza by stanza and I'll list my nitpicks.
Stanza 1: This stanza is fine, but I just don't like this type of writing style. In my opinion, you should use proper capitalization. But if this is your own personal style, I apologize. Anyway, after "singing songs of the ardor" should be a pause or period of some sort. Otherwise, I like the lines on this stanza. Nice work.
Stanza 2: You also need another pause here: "shimmered under a formerly masked desire" otherwise it all sounds like a run-on sentence. Also, "shone just a little brighter" in this sentence, "just a little" is not needed. So: "Shined brighter." At least, that's what I think this should be. Please do not take any of this personally.
Stanza 3: I love this metaphor! "a gentle breeze kissing my eyelids with the scent of
crushed leaves,damp bark, and glazed evergreen needles." that was just beautiful. Awesome work. ^.^ And you have some nice creative juices with that "ambling" part.
Anything after stanza 4 is perfect, except for that writing style I don't like. But that is only me. If you don't agree with me, you don't have to even read this. But overall, it was a wonderful poem. Beautiful, Mushy, but wonderful. Great work, and keep writing.
May your travels through time and space be merry,
-xJ ❤︎
Hello there!
This is the first time that I've seen a poem with this kind of format. I mean the 'ambling' part. It's very creative of you to do that.
The message of the poem is good. It is really sweet yet poignant because the recipient of the message would still not read it. It's a little sad, but this is the truth; not everyone appreciates our effort for them.
I like your poem. No! I love it! This one is great, but I think it will be much better if you maintained a number of words per line because I have noticed that some lines are too long while some are too short.
I'll give this 4 out of 5 stars.
Hello.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I love the layout of this poem, it gives out the creativeness that you have when it comes to formatting poems. I also loved the romance that was expressed throughout the poem. You used words to describe your feelings to a significant other. Personification is the word!
Nitpick:
- Even though there are no rules of capitalization when it comes to poetry, I still feel like you need to capitalize the word "I"
Other than that, this was an amazing read.
If you need reviews on other works, simply PM me.
Keep writing!
Have a wonderful day.
Kanome