ancient
fingers strum
other-worldly
melodies
through
his youthful hands
his
song lingers near
whistling
me away to such
sweetness
and decay
sticky
amber lies
within
his deep olive eyes
much
to my demise
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140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
Wow, these are really cool! You've used wonderful expression. I think you mixed up the syllable count just a little bit, though. But that's okay, we all know writing haiku is hard!
Just one thing : what does the line " sticky amber lies" mean? I'm a but puzzled.
Great poetry, anyway! It really impressed me. Don't stop writing.
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Thanks for your review! The part that says 'sticky amber lies' pretty much means that there is flecks of amber in the person's olive green eyes, and the other person is describing it that way to add emphasis to the theme of "his trap". Where did I mess up on the syllable count?
Hey hermione315,
nadair here!
God, do I love a good haiku, let a lone three haiku to create one lasting poem!
I truly love the line
"sticky amber lies
within his deep olive eyes".
The imagery and creativity in this poem is amazing.
I think that you've got something special here, and that you should keep revising and writing.
nadair
Hello, priceofwords here!
This haiku was really cool, your use of language and the way in which it flowed were excellent! Your spelling, punctuation and grammar were perfect too, so well done for that as it makes it a very clear read.
One of the lines which I particularly liked was,
'ancient fingers strum
other-worldly melodies.'
The imagery you used here was very powerful, definitely a hooker! This was also a great line with which to start this piece of work, for the reason that it draws the readers in, which is always important at the start of any piece of work.
I also liked,
'sticky amber lies
within his deep olive eyes.'
This gives off both pleasurable and not so pleasurable imagery at the same time. 'Amber,' sounds mystical and foreign, yet 'sticky' can sound quite repulsive at times. Put these two words together and, like the opposite ends of a magnet, they attract. These words written in this way kind of puzzled me yet enticed me simultaneously, and as a result, intrigued me.
I also like the way you use opposite phrases and connotations throughout the poem, such as 'ancient,' 'youthful,' and, 'sweetness,' with, 'decay.' It made the words stand out in my mind.
I can find no faults here. Just keep doing what you're doing, because it's awesome. I admire anyone who can write good haiku; they're pretty hard to construct.
Please keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work!
priceofwords
Oops I gave away 12000 points and suddenly I need them .so here to rock this review ! Excuse auto correct .
Kat here !
Gosh I adore haiku ! The plural of haiku is haiku ... This was amazing really it was ! The vivid imagery matching all the syllables . It gave me shivers . I love the word Amber ... But I was confused as to why you only kept constant rhyme in the last stanza ? I'm not sure I like or dislike it but it certainly was interesting . Might break the flow for some people , then again haiku have brilliant flow from the constant syllable count . One last though, try to decide if you want you haiku so be complete thoughts in a line or one sentence broken up too three lines and make that clear as possible and stick with it.
Sam thought that he was
A really bad driver and
A wonderful cook
Summer rain is sweet
Winter is quite cold and dark
I love spring most
Keep it up ! Kat