Have you met the
kind of Tired
That settles deep
within the bones,
Whispering dirty
lies and secrets,
Telling that you’re all alone?
She weighs down every footstep,
Casts a dimness to your eyes,
But no one else can see it,
“No one cares,” she lies.
She’ll say that it’s alright,
That she knows
how to fix it all.
She claims that
she will help you,
But anticipates
your fall.
If you listen to
her words,
She’ll
leave you feeling blue,
Then she’ll
offer bits of comfort
That could become
the end of you.
She’s the
sort of Tired
That won’t
go away with sleep.
Her hand cradles
dangerous objects
That she urges you to keep.
The longer she
resides,
In your body and
your brain,
She’ll make
happy moments drear,
Turn the sunshine
into rain.
She’ll take
more and more control,
Make you smile
like nothing’s wrong,
So people cannot
know,
She’s muted your life song.
Even with this
clever disguise,
Some still feel
the need to inquire,
“You look
sad. Are you doing okay?”
“Yeah. I’m
just Tired.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Absolutely amazing! I especially like your classic rhythm and rhyme.
I'm Ashkitten and I'm here to critique this piece for a review. First thing I want to say is...What a fantastic way to portray depression. I myself have had bouts with depression and you conveyed it to the reader absolutely perfectly. I feel like your delivery was flawless, and the emotion behind it was incredible. I love love love how you personified "tired" or what I got out of it...depression, in a way that most people wouldn't think of...a lying and deceiving woman. The composition was good, the execution was also good, but where the true brilliance leaks out is in the ending, because now that we have had a look inside, we see that she is still trying to pass off the whole I'm tired thing, which is what I've done many times, and I want to scream HELP ME!! But it's like someone is holding their hand over my mouth telling me to be quiet. Perfect way to let us into your soul.
Her hand cradles dangerous objects
That she urges you to keep
Is also subtle but brilliant, because it digs deeper and shows me there's something more than meets the eye.
Now time to be nit picky...she'll make your happy moments drear. Do you mean dreary? That's all, that's my only critique. I loved it and I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Heyyy. First off, relatable and great.
Your rhyme scheme was perfect and lovely. Punctuation, brilliant. But I think a pinch of fantasy would've been quite welcome here, it was way too realistic.
Your ending was quite expected, your title gave away most of your content. Your title gave me, and maybe others, a fair idea of what it was really, but I expected something different.
Your beginning was awesome I liked it a lot, really.
"The longer she resides,
In your body and your brain,
She’ll make happy moments drear,
Turn the sunshine into rain.
She’ll take more and more control,
Make you smile like nothing’s wrong,
So people cannot know,
She’s muted your life song."
This was probably the best part of your composition, it came out well. But the lines like "turn the sunshine into rain" and "muted your life song" were simple. Okay well, they were simple but had their own charm, in a way that most people won't understand. Most of the audience would understand the meaning but not the charm. So use stronger lines and catchy titles please.
Overall this was great, I liked it. I am extremely sorry, my work itself is rubbish, so I have no right to be so rude.
Anyways, keep writing and keep smiling
This is incredible! Great story told with your words and it definitely is relatable. Keep writing
sorry i posted this twice, I'm new here
That's okay
I'm new also, and I've had the same problem with posting the same things twice. I'm glad you enjoyed my poem!
This is incredible! Great story told with your words and it definitely is relatable. Keep writing
Wow, this is very well done. It speaks to me, as someone with depression and anxiety, and you did well illustrating how it creeps in and ruins your life.
Now, before I continue, I'd like to say that your punctuation is all over the place. You don't consistently use periods and commas, and rarely use them correctly. I'd suggest going through and checking every verse for inconsistinies. (I know I mispelled that by the way.) Use this article for reference- http://www.thewritersdrawer.net/grammar ... oetry.html
You have a great voice, the poem flows well, and I didn't get drawn out from it except for the punctuation. I like the use of mental imaging showing how depression creeps in. I also like calling it 'Tired' And capitalizing it to that it's "I'm just Tired." It adds a tastefull level of surrealism to the poem, and is relatable for those who've experienced it, whil being rememberable and awakening for those who have not.
Overall, not a original base, talking about depression, but a wonderful new look on it as a being called 'Tired' I hope to read more of your work!
~Authorian
Thanks so much for the review! I will definitely check out the link to the website you sent and see what I can do about the punctuation errors.
Splendid! That's what I wanted to read from quite a long time already.
And hey! You are a newbie. Welcome to this site. I hope you'll have a great time here. If you need anything, you can ask me!
Well, without wasting any further time, let's dig into this poem and try to find some points where you can improve.
There's a slight issue with this sentence. Look at it! You keep using the plurals. The English grammar rule book, I had with me a while ago, commanded me to do something like this:
"Whispers dirty lie and secret" OR
"Whisper dirty lies and secrets"
Get my point there?
Was that a question? Never looked like one to me!
Removing "that" from this sentence, in my point of view, will make the sentence look really good.
Amazing! Just lovely stuff. This is flawless and beautiful.
Try replacing the comma with a period/full stop. It will make this sentence look good. The comma doesn't make any sense there.
Overall, I have to admit that it was simply the best poem I've got a chance to read so lately. Just perfect!
Keep writing and I hope to read more of your poems. They are truly amazing!
Thanks for the pointers, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! Concerning the first stanza, I was trying to make all four lines one long question. Are you not supposed to do that? If not, how could I go about changing the placement of the punctuation to make it correct?
Thanks for the pointers, and I'm glad you enjoyed it! Concerning the first stanza, I was trying to make all four lines one long question. Are you not supposed to do that? If not, how could I go about changing the placement of the punctuation to make it correct?
Oops. My bad! I missed the "Have" at the start. Sorry about that. And well, one thing, I just noticed now. Your first stanza's fourth sentence has 'you' repeated twice. Please try to change it to something like "Telling you are all alone" or "telling that you are all alone"! Anything you think would replace the repetition.
Okay. And one more question: Once you've already published a piece of writing on YWS, can it be edited without messing anything up?
Okay. And one more question: Once you've already published a piece of writing on YWS, can it be edited without messing anything up?
You surely can edit it without any problem at all. Look at the right side of the page and you'll find something like "Edit your word" or something and you can simple edit it.
I suggest you to come online via computer so that you can edit it without any problems whatsoever.
If you have any troubling doing it whatsoever, just let me know!
I absolutely loved this poem!It was so well-written and because of that I read it like 3 times.I can relate to about everything that you are saying,especially about the disguise that you put out on people. Weird, the last two lines of your whole poem is literally my deafult reply that I tell everyone :/Thanks so much for sharing this lovely poem! <333
~pretzelsing
I'm so glad you enjoyed my poem! The last two lines that you mentioned, which are also a highly repeated conversation in my own life, were the whole inspiration for this piece of writing.
This is beautiful. It is so realistic and reading something so raw is truly refreshing. I have depression myself and this is 100% what it feels like. No one gets that sometimes I'm just tired. Someone once told me that I need to look at my depression as an unwanted resident and I love how you used this concept in your poem.
I feel like this review isn't helpful because I don't really have any suggestions.
Keep writing! You have talent and I am really looking forward to reading more works by you.
Much love,
N
Thank you
This is wonderful.
This is beautiful.