Please
do not stop talking
That’s
what ruined it before,
An
icy wall of silence,
A
locked and chained up door.
You
think that it won’t matter,
But
when the space begins to grow,
You
can’t find a way to stop it,
There’s
no way to make it slow.
Don’t
make up reasons why
I
don’t need to hear your voice.
What
we have will start to fade,
And
it will be by choice.
I’ll
try tearing down the wall
With
my pickaxe in the rain,
But
to bring the whole thing down
I’d
need a wrecking ball and crane.
I
don’t want to lose you,
What
small parts of you I hold,
So
help me break this barrier
Before
we get too cold.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey.
Okay so this was kinda good, I'm late for reviewing I know lol.
Anyways, cliche and new at the same time, reminds me of Miley Cyrus, haha. Umm, imagery was okay-ish here. Not so great exactly, what you tried to convey was quite clear, that was good. The topic was nice too, relatable.
I liked the concept of "cold" here. It just has so many branches, why don't you pick one and elaborate on the leaves? :p
Good job.
Keep writing and keep smiling.
xoxo
Another amazing poem from you! I love the idea that the silence is like a wall closing in as the speaker gets clustered in a claustrophobic prison of awkwardness. The idea that you reach out for this person to join you in breaking the wall that restricts you shows how desparate ones soul can truly be. However there is quite a noticeable twist(?) mid poem when you say I don't need to hear your voice. I, as a reader, am left confused at this point since you have just cried out for this person to keep talking. What makes this meaningful is that you need to always know that this person is always here for you no matter what; the idea that you brought the topic in repacking open a new shell of understanding as we find that talking could be a metaphor for caring - you need this person to care for you as you need the warmth to keep the raging ice within your broken soul. A beautiful, heart stopping read -Marshymallow
The line mid-poem that you were talking about wasn't a twist. It and the line before it connect to say, "Don't make up reasons why I don't need to hear your voice," In other words, don't make up excuses for not talking to me. Sorry that was confusing, but I'm glad you enjoyed my poem! Thanks for the review!
Hi there! I really like your poem.
It's a fairly used topic, but you make it work pretty well. Your imagery isn't completely unique - you kind of mixed cliches and new ideas - but overall it flows pretty well, which is why I like it.
First of all, I'd recommend splitting this into stanzas. I think you meant to, but YWS formatting must have messed up on you.
You can press shift+enter when you make a new line, and that will make it so there's no space between it and the line above, like there normally is. You can use that for the lines within the stanzas, and then just hit enter for a new stanza. I'd do this after every fourth line, because that's where it seems like it should break.
I'll show you what I mean with your first two stanzas since I don't think I'm explaining it very well:
And so on and so forth. That will make it easier to read.
Now I'm just going to pick out a couple of line that flow weirdly.
You have a couple too many syllables here, and that's throwing it off. I think it would read better as "The locked--chained--steel door," or "The locked, chained steel door."
These two lines are also kind of awkward. Perhaps:
*or "start to fade," whichever you like better.
Finally,
This line is also a bit wordy. We know the barrier is between them, so I'd just take that part out and change "the" to "this" ("So help me break this barrier")
Now let's briefly talk about your imagery. As I said before, a lot of it is broadly cliche, which isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as you find a way to give it new life. Think of interesting spins on common ideas or themes. It would also be nice if the imagery was a bit more focused. Right now there seem to be two main sources of imagery- walls and cold. Pick one of them and weave that throughout the whole poem. Personally, your last line is my favorite of the piece, so I would pick the idea of cold to weave throughout the poem.
Anyway, this was really quite good, and I loved how well it flowed. Your rhyming seemed mostly effortless, which is pretty hard to do.
Good job and keep writing!
Thanks so much for the help! I like the idea of making the second to last line less wordy. It sounds a little smoother. The line spacing was messed up by YWS formatting. Originally I had the poem broken up into stanzas after every fourth line. I'm glad you told me how I can fix that in future poems. Honestly I'm very new to writing poetry (I just started about a month ago), and that was one of my first pieces. Your advice about putting interesting spins on common ideas really helps. I'm going to try to make my next poem less cliche', or at least more interesting. Thanks again!
Glad I could help.
It was quite good for only having been writing for a month.