what all our nature craves.
This is a very ambiguous statement, and I think that you wanted something more straight forward. This could be interpreted as everything nature craves including mystery, dancers ect. or what we all naturally crave; either way it doesn't seem to be the point you are trying to make - it seems like a side street that leads to a dead end with no houses or anything on it; pointless. You might ask yourself; why is it here? Now you might come back to this point later on, or further clarify in the rest of the poem but if so - it is meaningless to have. See your sentence should probably say one thing, not two things because one thing in the sentence could be tacked on, if you want to do imagery then do it, if your adding intuition then do it better - not tack it on.
eternal, fiery graves.
A perfect time you actually needed imagery and you relied on telling instead of showing; also you don't tell us that the path ends in a grave instead you say 'on this path that' which is the long version of being straight forward. Also, it's almost like you are giving us tips about the cliche symbol that has been permeated since the beginning of time (kind of the really bad version of the road not taken). This is not your intuition speaking, this is that paperclip in a word document that is meant to clarify and make things stupid-simple.
So they drink and they laugh, they marry and toil,
Until the day comes that their deeds turn to spoil,
then it turns into a full on nursery rhyme.
and kind of gets random, with disconnected images everywhere.
See here is my suggestion to you, start here;
Drawn into flashing neon signs, reflecting in their eyes so bright, so right.
Finish your poem questioning every word and phrase, asking yourself how to make it clear and concise, use your imagery and how you describe things in a unique way and all of this;
Dark lights luminesce the wide street,
Full of dancers, and mystery, and what all our nature craves.
So easy to follow, to get lost in the swelling crowd,
On this path that leads to eternal, fiery graves.
Its fleeting wonders attract many.
will come naturally, it'll be there if the reader reads between the lines. Of-course, let reader take another understanding if they see it, that is poetry after all.
This poem is not bad; I see your voice comes through in a flicker around the middle, but it is lost in sloppy intuition and awkward phrases through-it's lost in too many words that don't do anything for you and cliche symbols that haven't enough detail to make them yours again - ect. Need more time learning, perfecting, reflecting before it's any good.
Thanks for posting in my review for food thread.
I really enjoyed the line: 'They become bugs flyting around a flickering post as the alliteration just rolls of the tongue in a most gracious manner.
Points: 33
Reviews: 131
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