I Just Thought You Should Know

I think it is always sweet to write a poem for someone else. I think poems are most effective when they use specific examples of what they are trying to say. For example, you mention hanging out at a park. Maybe go into more details about what happened at the park that was special. What did it look like? What did you do there? Try and think of more specific examples and I think you could have a really special piece on your hands.

Hi there! Here for a review!
Now, I want to start off by saying this is a great base. The only thing is, I don't feel there is enough detail. I want more descriptive words, I want you to captivate your reader with gut-wrenching feeling and emotion. I felt like some of your word choice was a little vague and not as descriptive as it could have been.

I'd like to take a few moments to review your piece, but I don't want to come across as harsh. Perhaps this poem is very near and dear to you, and you didn't particularly care to edit the living lights out of it and what not. If you think I'm being too critical, just let me know! I think you could make something spectacular out of this poem if you take it a step or two further. Like I said, it's a wonderful base, but I know you are capable of taking it to much greater places

One thing that's very unclear is what actually happened in this relationship between you and your friend. Did they move away? Were the "sad times" too much so you had to cut her out of your life? The reader will want to know what happened. You can be elusive or mysterious about a situation without having to reveal the whole story as well. I think you need to give the reader a little more, just so that it's not confusing or unclear.

Let's talk about word choice a bit. I'll use the first few lines as an example.

"I just thought you should know what I’m doing now.
I am a strong person
Who spends a lot of time going on adventures."

The most subtle changes can make a big difference in packing a punch with your lines here:

"I just thought you should know how I'm doing now.
I am strong.
I spend my time taking breathtaking adventures."

"I am strong," feels more powerful than "I am a strong person." It's more final, it's concise.

Words like "a lot" can sometimes come across as a filler phrase. You either want to eliminate them or you can always find a stronger word than 'a lot' like massive, immense, majority. There are so many choices.

I cut the "who" because it feels passive. You want the reader to see that the narrator is in control, at least in this case, in my opinion.

Often times, when I first started writing poetry, I would actually use a thesaurus to shake up my wording of lines and make sure the reader was enticed with a wide range of vocabulary. It's something that will come naturally with time. Some people take years to develop their unique vernacular. It all depends on the individual!

Let's also look at this line, for example, where you've used 'a lot' again:

"I just thought you should know what I miss a lot.
I miss the way we used to hang out at the park."

We can surely take this up a notch, perhaps something like:

"I just thought you should know what I miss the most.
I long for the way we would sit on that old park bench."

See how we can give just a bit more detail in the second line, which gives it more feeling?

Now, I do like how you alternate every other line with "I just thought..." It gives a nice rhythm and flow. The length of your lines is also appropriate.

Overall, I love the idea behind this poem. I think if you dive a little deeper, you can definitely be more emotional and pack a harder punch!

I hope this review didn't come off as harsh or rant-like. Please feel free to ask me any questions or clear up anything I said!

Good job!! I look forward to reading more of your work

Happy writing,

Kali L.

Hi harry576! It's Saruka here for a hopefully helpful review on your poem!
First off, it really touched me. I could feel the desperation through a simple, formal letter, and I think that was probably a pretty hard thing to do, but you did it so well. The format matched up perfectly with what you were trying to convey, and the rhythm was perfect.

I just thought you should know what I’ve been through.

The time that I met you for the first time was especially important to me.