I looked outside
There was snow falling down
And there wasn't a sound
I looked out at the snow covered trees
I ran outside and felt the cold breeze
The mountains looked pretty as a picture
Because it is the beginning of winter
Christmas is almost here
When I seen a couple of deer
Oh it's winter
I ran to the pond and it was frozen
And I sat down and ate a dozen
Oh look there is a wolf
His fir is caked with snow
Listen to the cold wind blow
It's the beginning of winter
Christmas is almost here
When I seen a couple of deer
Oooh it's winter
Stick your tongue out
You are still so young
Feel the snowflakes melt
Now you know how I felt
Smell the pine trees
It makes you feel free
Taste the hot chocolate
Your dad may give you a locket
Because it is the beginning of winter
Christmas is almost here
When I see a couple of deer
Oooh it's winter
I love the snow, in winter.
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
I love the winter theme so I could not pass that and leave it aside.
For me the rhyme was teared apart and unfinished. At the very beginning you start with a rhyme but the next several lines are not rhymed which breaks the chain. It still depends on do you want a rhymed or not rhymed work but your work is kind of in between and not sure where to go. I think that it needs to be a rhymed work but for this to happen it needs some more editing and though.
As I said, I like the theme but you could describe it better. Maybe the problem with the rhyme is connected wth that you use same words to rhyme following lines whch makes it sound like you have no other option so you use the same word to rhyme it, so it is kinda forced.
The deer part and the part with the 'Oh it's winter' is repeated a lots and there are the main places where the rhyme is forced.
I love this part and its smooth rhyming but you have a lack of the details. What exactly are you eating? Where did you sit down? With the details you could type out several more lines.
For the punctuation I think it is writer's choice even if it actually bothered me as it did with the other reviewers.
I think of this work as a poem so it is acceptable. Still, the punctuation can give you the pace you need.
Good job and keep on writing!
HI.
Ii really enjoyed this poem as I generally really do love the winter. I enjoyed the way you've written your poem as while i was reading i could visualise it and it felt as if i could feel the snow falling on me....that makes me happy. But, i do agree with the rhyming couplets as i also feel as if they are forced here. A poem should be smooth running and free...
Apart from this i definatly think you should write another poem as i would love to read and review that one too.
Hello Harry,
Okay. So, positives:
Winter is a nice choice of subject matter (winter is my favourite season so I may be slightly biased) and your use of imagery is good.
However, while rhyming couplets can be very effective in poetry, it feels forced here. Perhaps, you could rework some lines or use a thesaurus to find words that fit better. I couldn't find the rhythm of the poem and that is probably due to the lack of punctuation. Punctuation is very important, it tells the reader how to read the poem; when to pause or stop, etc..
Nitpicks:
The spelling error on line 14, fur instead of fir. Fir is a genus of trees.
Overall, It was a pleasant piece and evoked a lot of nostalgic emotions.
Keep up the good work,
Dust
Hello Harry,
Okay. So, positives:
Winter is a nice choice of subject matter (winter is my favourite season so I may be slightly biased) and your use of imagery is good.
However, while rhyming couplets can be very effective in poetry, it feels forced here. Perhaps, you could rework some lines or use a thesaurus to find words that fit better. I couldn't find the rhythm of the poem and that is probably due to the lack of punctuation. Punctuation is very important, it tells the reader how to read the poem; when to pause or stop, etc..
Nitpicks:
The spelling error on line 14, fur instead of fir. Fir is a genus of trees.
Overall, It was a pleasant piece and evoked a lot of nostalgic emotions.
Keep up the good work,
Dust
Hey there Harry. Dogs here for a review.
Let's start with some simple nitpicks shall we? Don't take these things personally, I'm only trying to help, not trying to be rude or harsh, even if that's what I sound like.
1: Rhyming: You should find synonyms for some words, because there are some places where this poem rhymes, and other where it doesn't. There are to types of rhyming poems..
One that rhyme, and ones that don't rhyme. You have a mixture, so maybe you could try to come up with different words that rhyme with the rest of the poem.
2: Punctuation: There is not a whole lot of punctuation in this poem. No periods, exclamation points. How do people know where to pause? I suggest that you go in and add some punctuation.
3: In line four you made a tiny, tiny error. "Snow covered" should be hyphenated.
4:In line twelve, when you say "sat and ate a dozen"... You leave the reader at a cliff hanger.. What are you eating? You should describe things as best you can, and add more details, so it won't leave the reader hanging off a cliff, until they find out what you ate a dozen of. xD
5: In line fourteen you put the word "fir" which I think you mean fur.
I think that's all the nitpicks I could find.
Now on to the good stuff...
You have a really good poem idea, and I really like it. Winter is in fact one of my favorite seasons. I love winter, when you get to go play in the snow, and have snowball fights with your friends and family. You get to go sledding, and sit by the fire, and drink hot coco. I love it!!
I really liked your poem, and I hope you write tons more.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
Hello! I'm Emily and I'll be reviewing your work today. Overall, a very fun read. It was good to read now, because at this point in February I'm sick of winter. Your poem reminded me about some of the beautiful moments it holds. But, into the nit picking!
"snow covered" in line 4 should be hyphenated.
On line twelve you say you "sat and ate a dozen", but you never specify what you were eating. It OK, but it kind of leaves the reader hanging.
EmmVeePi pointed out the fir/fur thing.
That is about it! Lovely read. Keep writing!
Well this is pleasant and has some great imagery even if I disagree with you about winter(i loath the season).
In line 14 you use the word "fir" in place of what should be "fur".
Also you change tenses between past and present. For example line 17 "Christmas is almost here" is present tense but then the next line is "When I seen a couple of deer" which is past tense. You should make an effort to maintain the same tense throughout.
Formatting is non existent so I cant comment on that other than YWS can be difficult on that matter sometimes.
All in all very nice and pleasant, keep working hard at it and keep writing poetry!