Car Crash

King Here

Hello there, fellow writer.

I think that the way you had seperated the parts is not the best one we could think of here. I think they can be shorter and twice better and easier to read by the readers. This is my own opinion. The fact that you did not make the end happy is pretty good because everyone could expect an very obvious happy end like every other fairy tale. So this is what is good about this story. Still for the work, it needs to be seperated in a very different way in stanzas. It could be good if you did not talk about it so much but used one narrator and let us see from their eyes; what they feel, what they see and etc. Maybe the 'show, not tell' thing is noticed here. Even if you could be more detailed and looking at it more indeep, you had very good job with the punctuation and capitalization, so I will not bark about it.
Without thinking, I read the second line as 'Feeling sad that you ran away.'

You where there,

Withing I was still here.

I loved the theme and untraditional way you took this poem. It didn't have a happy ending and she died, which was really cool. The description of the actual crash was amazing and in the end I loved how, even though the narrator has passed, it was still her point of view.

Personally, in my mind, it didn't flow as well as it could have. Try combining some lines to make longer lines and shorter stanzas. Also, separate the repeating stanzas to emphasize how important those lines are.

I'm not sure if you intended this, but this poem would make an amazing song!
PS. You said "withing" instead of "wishing"

Hey EverWinter here for a review!

I liked the way this poem (song?) went. It was a great start.

Grammar problems: "You where there" needs to be "You were there" and "Withing" needs to be "Wishing". Also I think that it would be easier to read if you broke the chorus from the verses. Just so the reader knows it's repeating on purpose.

I liked the way this was untraditional. She died. Usually it ends with his prayers and love brought her back and they lived happily ever after. But here, it didn't. Good job with that.

Ever

First off there, I don't agree with your structure. I think this poem could be shortened in length simply by restructuring the stanzas. It goes beyond aesthetically pleasing to adding flow to your poem if you simply combine some lines. I think your flow is a bit off. The poem goes a little to far a little to fast. A lot happens in a short period of time which is understandable seeing as this is a poem and not a short story but I think each scenes need a little bit of a buffer which, again, re-structuring could help. You could also change the language you use. Try not to tell us what is going on. Try to show it. Instead of saying your character died in a car crash tell the audience what the character felt and saw.

I like the way you use repetition. I also like the flow you have although I think it can improved. You do get straight to the point with the language you use which is good. I just think you can do the same by using different language.

Fair work. Good job.

Just to let you know, on your 46th line, you wrote withing, not wishing.