I opened my eyes,
There where some pretty skies.
I was a baby born today,
All I want to do is play.
I am now a young kid,
I was feeling like a forbid.
I wanted to be a superhero,
But all I saw myself as a zero.
When I was in my teens,
In my skin tight jeans.
I learned about loss,
And was no longer a boss.
When I was in my twenties,
And living off of pennies.
All I wanted was to go back,
Wanted to backtrack.
When I was in my thirties,
I had so many worries.
Had kids of my own,
And they have flown.
When I was in my forties,
and no longer went to parties.
I finally saw my retirement,
and hated the government.
I was slowing down,
could hardly walk around town.
When I was in my fifties,
My kids moved to big cities.
All I had with me was a dog,
I had found him in the fog.
When I was in my sixties,
I started to feel my pity.
I was in a wheelchair,
and trying to catch some air.
When I was in my seventies,
And I was excepting charities.
I was in a senior home,
I could no longer roam.
When I was in my eighties,
I started seeking safety.
I started looking up to heaven,
wishing I was still eleven.
Now I am in my nineties,
and I am no longer mighty.
This is my way of saying goodbye,
This is how I will die.
I had a good life,
And I am no longer a lonley housewife.
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey, yo,
harry576!
Strange here on this wonderful Review Day and I have a review for you!
Alright, although there are already two reviews here, they fail to point out the biggest problems this poem has. No offense to them, but I shouldn't be the one saying this. I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything like that, just being a reviewer. Let's jump in?
Correction! There *were some pretty skies. And when babies come out of the womb, they don't want to play. They want to cry. If what I said made no sense, it's that these first four lines are very hard to comprehend. As a reader, I have no idea what they could possibly mean. They fail to scratch the surface of the true meaning of this poem, if that makes sense.
Like a, what? What is a forbid?
Alright, I'm not going to quote much more to talk about what I want to say. The problem with this poem is that you follow an AABBCCDD structure. That's perfectly fine if you rhyme, but in a sense, you try so hard to make it fit into the structure on this one that it really hurts the potential of this poem. The message of the poem fails to get across because it is barely developed. In a sense, a lot of your lines seem random. Some things are said that usually don't make sense just to fit into the pattern. If I could recommend one thing, it's to make a poem with a lot more flexibility.
Also your title makes no sense to me.
Keep writing and stay groovy!
I'm going to agree with blueraven, that one line could use a little rewording, but we're both nitpicking just by pointing that out
This poem was really quite beautiful and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I'll be looking for your posts I think and be looking forwards to your poems and other pieces in future.
Keep up the good work and keep writing! In fact, I think you just got a follow! Can't wait to see what you create
But all I saw myself as a zero.
I would personally rephrase that cause I didn't fully understand it.
Other then that one thing I think it is absolutly beautiful and I loved it and enjoyed it.
It's amazing I wish you the most in upcomming and future posts.
I would love to see more from you and definatly keep writing. Also thats just my opinion you may not want to change that and that's totally fine it's your poem after all.
I loved it and can't wait to see more. Tell me when you have more please.
goodluck!!!