I was in school
And like a fool
It never crossed my mind
that a few minutes later
you would be in the hospital
It was may 2nd
and it was spring
it was that dreadful call
and all I had was the memories
of times long forgotten
memories of pain and sorrow
of happiness and fun
we hit seventy on the freeway
praying you where OK
hoping we would get there
and up in the sky
I saw a beautiful sight
an angle in white
with her arms open
in your direction
the memories
of times long forgotten
memories of pain and sorrow
of happiness and fun
we ran into the room
everyone was crying
you where gone.
My tears started to fall
the angle had called you home
and all that was left
was the memories.
It was five o'clock on may 2nd
and the doctor came in
he had bad news
I didn't want to hear
when you died
my heart died too
but the memories
of times long forgotten
memories of pain and sorrow
of happiness and fun
I still think about
how we would bake cookies
and work in the garden
I pray to God that he
will keep you safe
In till my time comes
and we will be together
the memories are all I have
they help me remember your face
the memories
of times long forgotten
memories of pan and sorrow
of happiness and fun
I will miss you
I love you grandma
and goodbye for now.
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hey, Dogs here for a review. First off, I'm sorry about your loss. It must've been really sad. Now, let's get to the review shall we.
Nitpicks/mistakes *Please don't take any of this personally, I don't mean to sound rude and harsh if I do. I'm not trying to be rude. Thanks*
Nitpick 1: This song/poem seemed a little bit disorganized, but we can correct that easily now can't we? Yes, we can. Okay so something you could do to help organization is this.
Verse one: blah, blah, blah
Pre-chorus, or just chorus. blah, blah, blah.
(except don't put blah, that was just an example.) xD!
Nitpick 2: In the last few lines you miss spelled the word pain and put pan, but that will be an easy fixing. I was the fifth line from the bottom, or end of the poem/song.
Nitpick 3: You didn't use a lot of punctuation, and I don't have time to correct all your mistakes with that, because you need some commas, and periods more often. I know it's a song, but you should still use punctuation.
*Again not trying to be rude or harsh, or sound like you have 10,000 nitpicks. Just letting you know*
Suggestions.
1: You don't have to do this, because some people don't, but something you could do to help organize a little bit, is capitalize the first letter of the first word in each line in that makes since. I will share an example. Look below.
Honestly, you don't have to do this, but I just think it helps the reader know when lines start and end.
Now for the good part!!!
Overall, I really liked your poem/song. It was very sweet and tender. I hope you write more of these things.
I felt like this was very emotional, and it almost made me cry, and you won't see me cry that much.
I thought this was very sweet, and as long as you know that you grandma is in a better place, and she's truly home, then you'll be fine.
You will see her again, in a place called heaven.
If you're not Christian or religious, I'm really sorry if I offended you by that.
Anyway, great song, and I hope you write more works like this.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs <3
I can really relate because my grandmother died a few years ago too. I know how it feels and this poem is really how most people feel when someone close to them die. This poem is also a very good example in my opinion of how people can vent their emotions. I like how you wrote about it so other people can feel a little bit sympathetic if they know someone who's grandmother died.
This was a very emotion-filled poem, and while I, personally, felt nothing, it's the same for most things.
I could tell in the poem that you and your family loved your grandmother very much, and I'm sorry for your loss. Last year, I lost my grandmother to sudden heart failure and my family had to drive across three states to be at her funeral. There were many emotions, but few from me. Go ahead, call me edgy, but this is the truth.
While I liked this poem a lot and the emotions conveyed were obvious and greatly felt, It's like the poem couldn't decide whether it wanted a rhyme scheme or not. The first two lines, "I was in school // And like a fool" made me convinced that this would have many rhymes, however, this was lost almost immediately. While I can pick out a few other rhymes, this leads me to believe that was simply coincidence and not intended to rhyme.
The rhythm of the poem was okay at best. "It was five o'clock on May 2nd" having nine syllables and "You were gone" having three syllables confused me, especially considering there was no separation of stanzas.
I'll say again, I do like this poem, however there are some things that could be worked on. I'll also reiterate that I do apologize for your loss, and I hope it does not affect you very much.
I must rate this a PERFECT 5/7 (props to you if you get the reference).
~Variks
Wow, this is some really nice stuff. I really enjoyed the bit when you wrote "It never crossed my mind/ that a few minutes later/ you would be in the hospital" because truth is, life is always like that. Life brings the unexpected, good and bad, in this case. Beautiful stuff.