*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “FNAF fanfics”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=120. Enjoy!*
“And I’m thinking that we could open up locations all around Utah, maybe around America, even! What do you think?”
William was talking to Henry about expanding their business against the corner of the Circus Baby Pizza World restaurant they had just opened. The customers were so absorbed in their time that they didn’t seem to care that the two owners were right there.
His teenage son Michael certainly didn’t seem to care about anything lately. He wasn’t even at the pizza place. William didn’t know where he was, but he wouldn’t put it past Michael to be with those delinquent friends of his. Things were going to change soon.
“I think it could happen. But we can’t think that far ahead.” Henry said.
William turned to him and smiled. Henry had always believed in him, ever since they were little. Mena did too, but it was just…different with him.
“It’ll happen because I have you. I couldn’t have done all of this myself. I’m not just saying that, either. I mean it.”
The corner of Henry’s lips quirked up into a grin, but only slightly. It was as if he didn’t want to fully smile, like he wasn’t certain. But he could be certain, because everything would work out in their favor, in the end.
Through the shouts of children and the whir of arcade machines, it was almost as if they were children again, at the fair, riding the carousel and eating insanely cheesy pizza, biking in their neighborhood and drawing the very characters that would become real life animatronics. His family thought it was childish, but maybe it wasn’t wrong to-
A small hand gripped his pants leg, followed by a sharp sob, “E-Elizabeth and Charlie won’t let me play with them!”
William sighed. His much younger son, Sean, was nothing like Michael and everything like William when he was a kid. A boy who cried a lot.
As an adult, he understood the frustration of his parents much better, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t care.
“I’ll talk to you later. Sean, come with me.”
Henry nodded in understanding as William walked away with Sean. Sure enough, Elizabeth and Charlie were both playing Space Invaders, probably hogging the machines too, if he knew them that well.
But that was alright. He’d show Sean something better.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
William opened the door to the storage unit and flicked on the light switch. There were boxes of animatronic parts, party decorations, animatronic suits and the circuit-linked endoskeletons.
“This is where all the Fazbear magic happens. Those robots you see on TV? These are endoskeletons, which are what’s underneath all of the animatronics here. Aren’t they cool?”
Sean took a moment to look at them, still clinging onto William’s pant leg. He waited anxiously for what he had to say, hoping that he wouldn’t be scared.
“They look scary.”
“I can make them wave if you want. Do you want me to do that?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
He didn’t respond, but was burying his face into his leg. William couldn’t deny that he felt a little hurt that Sean didn’t immediately love the robots the way he did when he was a kid, but he sensed that Sean was about to burst into tears if he didn’t take him out soon, so William picked him up and carried him away.
Maybe next time.
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137,438 Literary Works • 672,025 Reviews
Hi again!
I am excited for this piece. I love Five Nights at Freddy's (have you seen the movies? I've only seen the first one, and although it didn't keep all the lore, I really enjoyed it!)
Unlike Messenger below, I do quite like opening a story with speech. However, I think instead of then explaining that this is William, you should say:
“And I’m thinking that we could open up locations all around Utah, maybe around America, even! What do you think?” William said to Henry.
Then, continue their discussion instead of telling us this is about opening more Circus Baby restaurants; have one of them say it in the dialogue, and add a sensory detail of how the customers were chatting away around them, taking no notice. That way, we learn the restaurant is also busy, so the business is doing well, and it explains why they want to open more without telling the reader explicitly!
Remember: it should be a comma after 'ahead' before the speech marks, as Henry said is a part of the same sentence!
This is a nice start to some sensory detail, especially with the children shouting. Try conjure the scene up a bit more; this is a busy restaurant, what else could kids and customers be doing? Make it a bit more action-driven!
Aw I really liked this bit. It characterises both William and Sean very nicely.
A very ominous ending!
I'm excited to find out what happens next!
I saw both movies and liked them both. I think they’re going to be a little bit different from the lore we’re familiar with but I still like it!
Thx for reading/advice!
i think you're right, but they're still fun movies. The animatronics were awesome and i loveee mike XD
Fr fr
Hi creepy! Here for the Knights Afterwatch! Endoskeletons caught my eye, so let's jump in.
Im not a huge fan of dialogue as an opening line, because then you have to go back and explain who's saying what and where. It also gives us no action to hang on to.
Something like "William urged a disinterested Henry as they discussed business against their brand new Circus Baby Pizza.
'We could start opening locations all across Utah! What so you think?'"
Otherwise, I think the disclaimer that they are talking about expanding business is redundant because that's what William just said.
felt that. Becoming a parent has made me more informed but if anything, less understanding of why they were so angsty all the time
Smart kid xD
if this aint the most normal interaction with a small kid ever 😂 One thing ive realized as a dad is that to us as adults childhood is kinda just one big period, but in reality, development and different ages have huge impacts on motor skills and what kids have the attention span and desire for.
So as a kid William miggtve liked anamatronics, but he mightve actually been like 2 years older. Still a kid, still young, but not as young as he thinks. Not that any of this really is feedback, just some thoughts your story provoked.
I dont mind the lack of death and horror, but it does feel like we're missing a third act to pull the story together. Maybe in the full folder there's a greater story, but by itself it feels cutoff.
~Messy