*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “FNAF fanfics”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=30. Mena and Wilma are my OCs. Enjoy!*
It wasn’t new that William couldn’t sleep at night. He never could get himself in the mood for bed, the only trait that his son, Michael, didn’t share.
His wife, Mena, slept peacefully next to him. Sometimes he’d stare at her closed eyelids and imagine her spinning without any care in the world. She seemed so much happier when she wasn’t awake.
William and Henry both owned Fredbear Family’s Diner, something that they were both proud of, but…it was a lot of work. He knew it would be, but it was so exhausting having to perform, fixing the animatronics and checking to see what their competitors were doing. He loved it all, especially since he got to do it with Henry, but he needed something more.
He was an adult. He could truly do things on his own. His older sister Wilma wasn’t around to tell him that he was wrong. His parents weren’t around to judge him. He was free and yet he felt like he was falling.
What could he do that could impress everyone around him? There was something in his mind, something that he could bring up-
A Sister Location! He could make a Sister Location!
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137,438 Literary Works • 672,025 Reviews
This is an interesting short story. I'm guessing that there is a lot more to it than just what is wrote here, but it almost gives a normal feeling to the Five Nights At Freddys world. I love how you gave him genius behavior, since geniuses tend to stay up all night with ideas filling their heads, and I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure he was a genius in the game franchise. Anyways, all in all, it's a great little story to get you hooked on the rest of your fanfics.
zomg, fnaf! i love fnaf! i like how you've written William as tired and restless but also ambitious in a scary way. you can tell he likes working at Fredbear’s with Henry, but he still feels like it isn’t enough for him. i think the way he suddenly gets the idea for a sister location makes the whole story feel important, and it’s the start of something bigger. it’s cool how the writing shows his thoughts building up instead of just saying he wants more power or attention. good work ! ˵˃ ᗜ ˂˵
I%u2019m glad you liked it!!!
Hello!
Here is a short review
I liked how you started your text with "It wasn't new that William couldn't sleep at night." It makes the reader feel that they are entering a routine, a life - and at the same time, it grabs the attention because the reader wonders: 'But...?'
It's also well-done how you wrote "She seemed so much happier when she wasn't awake." It's kind of sad, and the sentence feels regretful, maybe, almost desperate. It also grabs the attention and keeps the reader entertained, and wondering what's going to happen next. Also, it builds up to the scene of his wife sleeping peacefully next to him.
One thing you could improve would be the sentence: "William and Henry both owned... were both proud of, but... it was a (lot (italic)) of work." It is good, but it feels almost as though you were talking, and not writing - it feels 'casual' in a certain way, if you know what I mean? Other than that I have no other suggestions though.
Another thing I really liked was how you made the Oc ask themself ("What could he do...something that he could bring up-") And then made the thought stop short, going two lines down and then, like a clic: "A Sister Location!" Like a revelation. It makes the reader sort of feel it too in a way.
Overall I really liked this short text, so keep it up and thank you for sharing it!!!
Have a nice day/night/afternoon/dawn/dusk/morning/whatever
HMMHhehe
Thx for reading and the advice!