*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “FNAF fanfics”. This is my AU of William Afton’s past. FNAF was created by Scott Cawthon. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
William watched as Mena walked down the front steps. The school day was ending, he had stared at her in all of the classes that they shared, all the while grappling with the choice of whether or not to ask her out, if it would even be worth it.
Would she like him the same way? Did she even remember that he existed? Did she care about him? What if she laughed at him? Or even worse, pretended to like him just to spare his feelings? What if-
William ceased leaning against the school exterior wall and ran up to Mena, for if he didn’t do anything then, he’d never know whether she really liked him or not.
“Hi! I know we spoke a little bit when you first moved here and a few years have gone by since then but I really like you and I was wondering if you’d go out on a date with me to the local pizzeria. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine too, but I was just asking.”
In that moment, William wished that the rumored “Afton curse” would take over and do something to absolutely smite him, because seriously, what was that? Why did he say those words to Mena? What kind of girl would say yes to that? What was he even thinking? What-
“You’re pretty cute, Will. You always have been. I actually wanted to ask you out but I didn’t know how you’d react so I kept it to myself, so thanks for asking. The answer is yes.” Mena grinned, her green eyes glittering with joy and all the love in the world.
As she walked away, towards home, which was literally right next door to William’s, he could not believe that she said yes, that she liked him, that she…that she…it was real! It wasn’t a dream!
But goodness, he forgot to pick a day! He’d discuss a day to go out with her when he got back home, though. He’d make sure to remember to ask her.
He’d make sure the date would happen.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey there I’m here to give you a review on this sweet short story <3
Now, just keep in mind that I don’t know anything about William Afton, so I’m sorry if I get anything wrong about his character!
First of all, this is so light and fluffy! As a romance writer, I can appreciate a sweet scene like this one. I love the tone you have throughout, of William being sort of nervous and yet overjoyed when Mena says yes.
Overall, I love the way you’ve sort of given us an insight into William’s mind! However, this is still a third-person story, so I’d say putting his thoughts into italics would make things a little more clear throughout. In fact--and I know you usually write in third-person, so don’t worry about this too much--it would be really interesting to have a first-person point of view in this scene, of William himself! You’ve already got so many of his thoughts in here that it’d make more sense to change the point of view. But of course, it is your work :D
A little nitpick--I don’t know if mentioning that Mena’s house is right next to William’s adds anything to the story and it makes the sentence too close to a run-on.
Overall, I definitely enjoyed reading this! Keep writing!
<3, chem
I am glad you enjoyed this!
Hello, Tuesday here for a review!
First is the internal monologue. When William is having his anxious thoughts, you should try to make it clearer that these are his thoughts versus the narrative. You could use italics or different formatting to show that it's his internal panic versus what's actually happening. With dialogue, you should try to express more of the character through how they speak. William's nervousness comes through well in his rambling, but Mena's response feels a bit generic. A suggestion I have would be to give her more of a specific reaction that shows her personality beyond just being nice. Since it seems like this is a pivotal moment for both characters, I wouldn't expect Mena to walk away after such a big confession casually, but instead, maybe have them talk a bit more or show her being equally flustered.
Another thing to keep in mind is when you mention the "Afton curse". You should try to give the reader some context about what that means. William is an interesting character - he's anxious but brave enough to take action. You should shine some more light on his background and what makes him tick in future scenes.
This dialogue feels realistic but it's quite long for someone who's supposed to be nervous. Maybe break it up with some stuttering or pauses to show his anxiety better.
I feel that this scene could be expanded into two parts - the buildup to asking her out, and then their actual conversation and her response. That way, you have the right amount of emotional development if that makes sense.
Even though this is a short piece, it wouldn't hurt to describe the characters more. Like, show their facial expressions and body language during this intense moment. That way it can paint a picture for the reader and help them envision the scene better.
The ending was quite sweet, also. I'm guessing William's going to be overthinking the date planning next! Overall, I really liked this scene! I'm excited to see what'll happen on their actual date.
Tuesday
I have other fanfics that connect to this one:
William and his kids
The dancing girl
It won’t work out
So glad you enjoyed this!
I'll check them out!!