Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This fanfic is an alternate ending to the story “Gumdrop Angel”, in the Fazbear Frights #8 book titled “Gumdrop Angel”, written by Scott Cawthon and Andrea Rains Waggener. (They wrote the book together, but Andrea wrote this particular tale). The main character still dies like in the original story, but I felt bad for her death, so I wrote a different one. This fanfic is under my folder titled “FNAF fanfics”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
They’re all eating me. They’re eating my candy flesh. Those greedy little ogres don’t care. They don’t know. They want to feast on sweets.
I can’t move. I’m trapped.
I thought that Dominic cared about me. I thought that, for the first time in a long time, someone wanted me to be happy.
But Ophelia is the star of the show. She’s the one people love. No one could ever love a loser like me. She would have never listened to Dominic, because she already has the love of my parents. I’m only good enough to be eaten.
I’ve always been told that I have a sour attitude. At least now I’m a sweet, sugary girl.
The children look up at me in fear. Everyone in the restaurant looks afraid. Why are they scared? I’m just the tasty birthday gum-ball girl.
My skin! It feels so real…it hurts…like it was eaten raw by rats…and is that blood on their mouths?
I look down. My sneakers and jeans are bloody, but wow, I can move! I can feel!
I smile at everyone. Those selfish people, living their selfish lives. Eating away, not even thinking for those that were slaughtered for their satisfaction.
Before my Mom met Myron and his little princess Ophelia, I used to enjoy the taste of meat in my mouth. After those devils came along, I couldn’t bear to eat a single ounce of meat. It scared me. It wasn’t about being skinny; the mere thought of eating something that once lived just creeped me out.
I could have eaten plants, but still. They were alive. It bothered Mom that I did this. She said that I was being ridiculous.
There was no reason to it. I had to eat. I didn’t know why I didn’t want to eat then.
I know why now.
“All you think of is stuffing your ungrateful faces, eating away the bodies that once felt the sunbeams brush their eyelids, the grass under the feet, the love of their family. You just eat, eat, eat away.”
There’s a little girl who looks a lot like Ophelia standing at the front. She’s the birthday girl. She has soft blond hair and big blue eyes. Azure eyes that look as though they may never know carefreeness again.
I bend down to her level. My legs feel weary, like they might fall off, but I need to do this.
I look straight into her eyes. She wants to look away, but she can’t. She’s enthralled by the horror of my beaten face.
“I had a little sister who looked a little like you. Her name was Ophelia and she was a brat. She deserved a swift punch to the face. But she would never get punched, because who would want to hurt that soft, precious child? No one. Everyone wants to spit in my eyes, but they all want to roll the red carpet for Ophelia.”
I think of that time in Fazbear’s, when Ophelia tried to force feed me the slimy pizza slice. She went on and on with her stupid voice: “Eaatttt itttt! You’ll liikkkeee it!”
I didn’t want to eat it, but then Mom and Myron accused me of being rude. Rude because I didn’t want something. Rude because I wouldn’t suck it up and say yes to the darling little five year old Hellraiser.
Then I met Dominic the security guard. Dominic smiled at me. He talked to me. He gave me his number.
Ophelia had a birthday girl statue just like me. I wonder who that girl once was. Maybe she was like me.
Alone and desperate.
She got the nose, but when we got home, I ate it. To stick it to her. To show her that she wasn’t so great.
Then this happened. The itching. The red spots. I called Dominic and he told me to come to him. I waited in a cardboard coffin.
Now I’m here. I’m food.
But then, wasn’t I always food? Something to feed my loved ones? My fears and sadness the fuel to their lives?
“You know, she had a birthday here, with a Gumdrop Girl just like me. Ophelia and all of the other eager little dimple-faced spit-filled bed-wetting imps took a piece off the girl without a thought. I didn’t think that the girl was once real, I just thought that she was a treat, so I took Ophelia’s candy just to show her that everything gets taken from everyone. Next thing I know, I’m this.” I snarl. Well, I didn’t mean to snarl, but it happened.
I grip her yellow dress straps with bleeding, fleshy hands and bring her close to my face. She cringes. I probably smell like rot. It’s fine, though. She has to smell it. She has to.
There’s a pin on her dress that says Julie in happy bright letters.
“Think before you eat, Julie.” I say, spitting out her name.
I let go of her and stand up.
“My name is Angel, but I’m no angel. I’m food!” I shriek, cackling. It’s just so funny! They’re staring at me, shocked and horrified, but seconds ago, they all wanted a piece of my flesh.
The security doors have opened. Dominic and the others are going to turn me into candy again.
I jump off the stand, still laughing. I can’t stop. It’s just…oh my god…it’s hilarious!
I run out the front doors before they can catch me.
I don’t want to be candy again.
……………………………………………………
I’m in the town park. It was difficult to run, because I kept falling down and the blood covered my eyelids. The sun wasn’t exactly being any help either. Everyone kept looking terrified whenever I ran past them, but I managed to jump over the chickenwire gates of the town park and slink to my favorite spot.
I’m under a tree. An old oak I used to have picnics under with Mom when I was little. No one really likes this tree. It’s on a hill, away from where people can play games and have barbecues.
But I always loved this spot.
I’m so weak. I’m dying. I could barely make it up this hill. I’m breathing shallowly. My blood is staining the grass. Rotten pieces of candy looks pretty in sparkly, ruby red blood.
I’m still going to die, there’s no running from that. But at least I’ll die alone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey vampricone6783! Dropping by again to review this for you! I have not read any of the Fazbear Frights books, but I do see my elementary school kiddos reading them often and they look spooky! Takes me back to the good ol' days of reading Goosebumps books, which I miss dearly. I have played the FNAF mobile game a few times but I never make it far and to be honest, I'm not a fan of jump scares so it really just doesn't interest me much. I do want to watch the movie, however!
Anyways! Onto my review! Here's any grammatical errors I noticed while reading:
Add in the missing comma.
"only good enough" would work better here.
Instead of "the devils", I would say "those devils".
I would change the comma in this sentence to a semi-colon, since these are two independent clauses.
Looks like you flipped "stuffing" and "is", flip them back over.
If you read my previous review on your other fanfic before you read this one, then you'll remember that I pointed out that you tend to overuse italics a lot. I see it happening a bit in this story as well, although I'm not gonna point out where; I want you to go through and see if you can figure out where you could do without italics and see if you can find a different way to bring emphasis to a word. However, I want to point out this specific line and show you that this is an excellent example of how to use italics. I love how you use it to bring the reader's attention specifically to the repetition of the word "eat" and the disgust at the gluttony that the narrator has. Excellent.
I don't really like that you repeated "blue eyes" so close to one another. Use another way to describe them, specifically in the second sentence. Since you want to bring emphasis to them, help the reader evoke a mental image of the way they look by using some imagery.
Okay so, here are my thoughts on the story itself. I will admit that, having not read the story that this was based on, I was a bit confused. Some things made sense, such as Angel's beef (lol) with her mother, her father-in-law, and especially with her sister-in-law. As the story progresses, we learn that Angel isn't human and that she's... candy? Somehow? That part is that confused me and I had to google the story and read a brief summary to understand that Angel had been turned into a humanoid gummy. Which is terrifying! My advice would be to make that part a little more clear in the fanfic. I know you wrote this with the assumption that the reader had read this story, but for those that didn't, if you could squeeze in somewhere that Angel was now a gummy, I think it would help with their understanding of the story.
Besides that, this was pretty creepy and I really enjoyed it! I like that you gave Angel so much depth; I can feel her anger and madness through the computer screen. I also like that you did not try to make her seem misunderstood and that you did not try to water down her personality. Is it right that her parents favored Ophelia over her? Of course not, but she took her anger out on the wrong person, and you can really see just how badly her jealousy and anger ate away at her (as did those kids amiright lmao). So ultimately, the reader ends up feeling bad for her while also not really, if that makes sense. At least, that's how it was for me.
I really loved the ending and the way you described Angel traumatizing that poor Julie girl, then her escape and the fact that she was able to at least die on her own terms. Despite how tragic it was, it was nice to see her have some control in the end. It does seem like a better ending than what the original contained.
I hope this review helped you. See you around.
~ Iggy
Glad you enjoyed and thank you for the review!
Well dang I haven't read past book 7 but goodness gracious.
When I Smiled:
Well, that was a dark one.It's very interesting to see how Scott Cawthon outlines his stories to the point where someone making an edigraph of the story can perfectly encompass the stories. You can get a vague idea of what happened within the story.
I also like how you described her knowledge of the irony and how it seemed to make her simultaneously want to laugh and want to cry and want to throw up. Showcasing how horrifying it was yet how painfully ironic.
For a series like fazbear frights, I feel like you perfectly showcased one of the character's regrets and what happened and their regrets and how everything occurred, and how she wanted everything to do better and how she suddenly just became sentient candy and ran for the hills.
A Line to Remember:
Well dang, that was just sad. She had fully given up on life and she had simply run from her problems, run from her inevitable death. And even though she knows she's going to die, she wants to do it on her own terms and that's honestly, just really sad.
The saddest creatures are the ones that are aware they are going to die because they have nothing left to live for they simply lay back and give up.
A New Lesson:
I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I really loved this story.
The Catalyst's Growth:
The characters slow growth from simply being eaten to realizing that she didn't want to die there. Specifically to talking to the people, to simply telling them what was going to happen to them. To running for the hills and the wanting to die alone, giving a sense of accomplishments that she had finally stopped the cycle that she had finally escaped and freed people from the continuing cycle of torture and death.
This steady growth shows her increasing resolve and her wants to finally be at peace. As well as her reflection on what has happened within her life and what she wished. She could have done better and what she knew she couldn't have.
Overall:
Very well done. I absolutely love Five nights at Freddy's and I'm happy you made this.
Thank you! I have more FNAF fanfics but this will be the first that I will post.