*This fanfic is under my folder titled “FNAF fanfics”. This takes place when William and Henry are teenagers and this is my AU. Mena is the “Mrs. Afton” in my AU. (Mrs. Afton is not a canon character, she’s a fan character). FNAF was created by Scott Cawthon and stands for “Five Nights at Freddy’s”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
William walked down the hall, to where Henry waited for him at the locker. All kids except for Henry avoided him at all costs.
“So how are you?” Henry asked once William got to him.
“I’m good, as good as I can be.” William said.
Every day felt like they all wanted him dead, but William tried his best.
“How are you?” William asked.
Henry shrugged.
“Same old, same old.” Henry said.
“Hi, William!” A cheery voice said.
William turned around.
Mena was walking down the hall and waving at him. He waved back, absolutely stunned. He didn’t think that she would talk to him after what happened at the pizzeria.
“The new girl knows you?” Henry asked.
“Well, yeah. We spoke yesterday, at the pizzeria.” William said.
“Did you tell her?” Henry asked.
“I did, back at the pizzeria. She said that she didn’t care, but I wasn’t sure then. I guess she really doesn’t.” William said.
Everyone was whispering. Soon, Mena would leave. They all did. Everyone except Henry. Henry didn’t care that he was cursed, he never did.
“Well, if she gets to be too much trouble, then don’t worry about it. Anyone who leaves you just fails to see how wonderful you are.” Henry said.
“Thank you!” William said brightly. At least he always had Henry.
“Of course. I only speak the truth.” Henry smiled.
I’m lucky to have Henry in my life. William thought happily.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Since I haven't read any of the other parts, I am going to review this based on the context in this little excerpt. If I ask a question or make a comment that has previously been established feel free to dismiss it. I will try to focus on grammatical, structural and punctuational errors and advice.
Remember that you don't need dialogue tags after every single piece of conversation. Especially if there are only two people who are having that conversation. Too many dialogue tags can actually distract your reader. Instead of adding all the 'he said' try replacing it with action.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Henry is talking about the future in the end. And William is the one who is cursed.
Thx for reading!
Ah I remember your other story. That is the direct sequel, huh? Last time Mena heard about the curse and now Henry knows that she knows and doesn’t care.
While I kinda feel bad for William here, this sounds exceptionally whiny. Just… get a grip: “Mena would leave. They all did. Everyone except Henry.” Like, you cant control Mena, she’s her own person so better make the best out of this sit, huh?
I feel like… Henry comes across as surprisingly antagonistic toward Mena. I didn’t expect that!
yah I will have to work on their characters but thx for reading anyways