Wheels turning on the road
speeding along too fast.
Makes me want to ask them,
whats the shame in coming last?
Overtaking competitors,
I see him whizzing past.
One glimpse of drivers face shows
he's determined to not come last.
The race has always been this way,
since Darwon's monkey start.
Every single on of us
refusing to come last.
He finally crossess the finish line
but I hear a shatter of glass
as he crashes into waiting trees
and I cross the finish line last.
Now the race is over
but there's no glory to bask.
The driver died to win the race,
thank God that I came last.
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139,682 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
This is a great concerpt, however, the rhythm in the first stanza doesn't seem to follow through the entire poem.
Haha, this is neat! I think it actually belongs better in Narrative Poetry, because it deals with a story, but that's just my thoughts. If you want, you can always bug someone in green (such as Rosey!) and they'll be happy to move it for you.
I really liked this, actually! I think it's very cute. My main comment is that I kind of want to see more description as to what your narrator's philosophy is... after all, why is she even participating in this race? If she is so disdainful of it, then why bother? Also, what are they racing for? Normally, races have some sort of prize. If so, what is their specific thing that they are eying? Or are they racing simply because they are racing? If so, then if you look at this poem a little bit deeply, would you say that dying in the name of something you love doing would be bad? What benefit, besides living, would there in being last? Is there anything you would miss out in being last?
So... yeah. Totally overthinking it. But really! I liked it very much.
Just one more thing...
The race has always been this way,
since Darwon's monkey start. <-- should be "Darwin's"
Every single on of us <-- one, not on
refusing to come last.
Nice poem!
Hello.
I found this rather interesting. The concept is one I explore rather often, but you've taken a different approach than I have.
I'm not so sure on the rhyme and repetition. The rhyme never feels particularly forced, but never particularly natural, either. By the third stanza, I was starting to get a bit bored with the repetition and felt it made the poem predictable. I could almost see that winning would be a very bad thing, and the crash wasn't as impactful as it could've been.
I'd suggest at least trying to rewrite this in free verse. That means cutting rhyme and breaking up stanza lengths so they're not all the same (they can be, but it'd be more coincidental). I think, then, you'd be able to explore the topics quite a bit more without limiting yourself to 4 line stanzas that rhyme. It'd give a totally new feel for the poem, and you could be surprised with what comes out!
Overall, I like the concept, but think you need a bit more emphasis on trying to put a new twist on this old idea. I think you could do that with free verse.
Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey