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140,940 Literary Works • 673,771 Reviews
Pigeon here to review
I enjoy what you've done with the repetition of lines here. It is clever and cute.
However, don't get so caught up with structure that you don't have any substance in your poem. You have a lot of empty lines in this which don't really tell us anything, and also a lot of clichés. Don't put lines in just because they kind of sound good, or because they work in the structure you're using. Make sure that every line has weight to it and really means something.
The repetitive structure would be really wonderful if each new combination of lines revealed greater meaning, but as it is, you've just got three very similar stanzas. Play around with it a bit. Think abut what you really want to say and make sure that each stanza tells as something new about the central meaning. With a bit of work I think this poem can be really beautiful.
Also, I think you meant "gouged", not "gauged".
I hope you find some of this helpful!
- pigeon
Hello Anna! Thanks so much for your review so I thought I might re-pay the favor. I really enjoyed this piece, short sweet and as always the rhythm is amazing. Rhythm in your poetry seems to be your special talent
Props to you on that. Although I do have a few things to point out.
You've fallen into the trap of have a sentence stretched over 2 lines and having 4 lines in every stanza. There is nothing wrong with that by from a readers point of view when your writing longer poems it gets boring. You do, however, pull it off very well in this poem and basically all of your poems I have ever read. But I challenge you to try to take a step outside of your usual rhyming scheme, I know it is really difficult because I use to do the same rhyming scheme. But now I've mixed it up a bit writing in a little free verse sometimes or trying to stick with the 4 line stanza but make that stanza all one sentence and still maintaining rhyming. That is seriously impressive, the hardest kind that follows that style is basically making 4 line stanza's and having the classic a,a,b,b,c,c, ect rhyming scheme but not have a specific sentence scheme. So like having the end of a sentence end in the middle of a stanza, now that is very difficult to do.
Anywho back to a little more critiquing, the only problem I have in this poem is how much your use your repetition. Because you are using such a short poem which is ok but you use too much repetition to make it effective. Repetition in a short poem doesn't really work because typically the poem is so short and often it feels like I'm just reading the same stanza over again because you've already said such a large portion of it in another stanza that is in too close of proximity to where you repeat it.
You really should keep the repetition because I'm a big fan of that in writing, but maybe expand this poem a little bit, add in at least 2 more stanzas. Maybe describe what the cards look like, are they frayed and old and decayed from how long she's kept these lies. Maybe in another stanza describe what the cards are made of or what is imprinted on the cards. Something along those lines.
Well all and all this poem is very good with just some minor corrections needed. Keep up the good work!!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh