A Perfect Snow Globe

by anna91423

  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

Published February 19, 2012

In Flashes of Inspiration :)

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Looking in on a snow globe
I see a perfect scene.
A tiny town, a tiny house,
and a girl that could be me.
 
The town is made of perfect houses,
which are made of perfect tiles,
and looking closely I can see
the girls perfect inky smile.
 
I take the snow globe in my hands
and shake it up and down.
If I make snow fall hard enough,
maybe the girl will frown.
 
But then my hand begins to slip,
and the globe falls to the floor.
Glass shatters all around me,
and the girl’s tears begin to pour.

When I get the dust pan and brush
I’m sure I hear a scream.
As I place into a bin bag
a girl that could be me.
Comments & reviews · 1
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jayleighsmith
Review
jayleighsmith wrote a review Review · Feb 19, 2012

Hey there! Read this and just had to tell you how cute I think it is. Might just be the rhythm being very sing-song... Anyways. I'll do a quick review for you.

"and looking closely I can see
the girls perfect inky smile."

So far, you've had a steady iambic pentameter going however in this last line you go into a small relapse and it ruins the flow. By using "perfect inky" you add extra syllables that made me trip over the words. I'd take out perfect even though I know you're repeating it for emphasis. Or maybe change "the girls" (girl's not girls by the way) to 'her' ?

"Glass shatters all around me,
and the girl’s tears begin to pour."
Same thing here. 'her' instead?

Other than that, the flow worked perfectly for me. I think it's an interesting concept. You usually hear about people relating to pictures or movies but I like how you went with a snow glove. Nice :) Have a great night.

-Jayleigh



He began to wonder why he had felt uneasy at all. It was like a man wondering in broad daylight why a dream had appeared so terrible to him at night.
— Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart