My heart thudding to the beat of the song,
bodies thriving under strobe lights,
a million people screaming lyrics,
“Because it’s all about tonight!”.
Your arms around my waist,
your lips against my ear,
doesn’t matter that I don’t know you
all that matters is now, right here.
As the song draws to a close,
the crowd turns to waves,
the tide dragging me from a moment
that I wanted to save.
They’re dancing and screaming
as they drag me subtly under,
next song starts slowly
but the drum hits like thunder.
I find I can swim again
when you grab my hand,
you pull me in close
until my feet touch the sand.
I know it’s not forever,
but just for tonight
It’s me and it’s you,
the music and strobe lights.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,940 Literary Works • 673,770 Reviews
If I had to rate this out of 10, I'd probably give it like a 6.5 or something a bit higher.
But, I do like how you use music to describe your emotions for your boyfriend. I really like music, and I also think it was a great way to show feelings, which a lot of music expresses.
I rated it what it is because I think it was a bit too simple, for me. I think you could have been a bit more descriptive in your writing, but hey, it gets the point across.
Overall, I think it was good, and maybe you can improve on what I said. I don't really care if you don't because one, it's your choice, and two, I'm not an expert.
Write on!
Hi Anna! I'm here to review "Drowning in the Crowd"
As foreshadowed by the smiley, I like your poem. You went through a timeline of events wherein love, music and theoretically speaking, swimming mixed into one influx of imagery and creativity. I also like that you found inspiration in a different place compared to other poets.
I did notice some stuff though...
About the first stanza of your poem:
The third and second verses talks about the crowd and how they are pumped up. These two go greatly together. But the first line is solely about you. And so having it alone up there really doesn't comfort me.
This stanza is packed with emotion
and
are my favorite stanzas
That's all, I think. Good like writing more poems!
Al
This poem was beautiful, I loved every line! I could see no awkward phrasing and it had a flow that made me want to sing it like a pop song
I almost wish you transformed this poem into the lyrics of song, because I could definitely see it as such. Anyway, I haven't much else to say besides the fact that your imagery was impeccable and I could picture the club you were talking about in my mind, which is something every writer desires for. Keep writing