Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
She was panting from the massive amount of energy she had lost trying to fight back. The wounds were aggravated whenever she struggled. She dripped with blood; her head had a big gash; and her legs throbbed with incessant pain.
How she reacted to the man in front of her could mean her future or demise. His name was Eliot and hers, Emma. He meant to kill her. He was a psychopath--a serial killer. She didn’t know if she could carry on living in this state. He had been beating her for hours now just to make her go crazy; and he'd laugh at her screams. He'd smile at her when she thought she'd die and taunted her body to let go of her spirit.
She had been left tied in a chair in his kitchen while he smoked and drank, but he came back. He took one of his torture weapons, an old metal bat. He smashed it into her side just to hear her hurtful screams. The pain was unbearable. Blood dripped from her lip from the time her punched her and she squealed, "Please, Stop!"
"Ah, you can speak!" he yelled.
"Stop this. Why me?! Why me?" she cried.
"Because you're happy! People aren't supposed to be happy! They just think they can go around smiling all the time! Well guess what...I hate it! And I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you, just like the other people I killed."
"Argh," she gasped. As she struggled in the blood drenched chair. She wanted so badly to be set free and if she was maybe she'd find a kit to heal herself with.
"You're so pretty. I'll never forget your face."
Em was entirely grossed out by that it made her cringe. She just wanted to get free. She'd give anything just to be home, laughing and partying with her family. He ruined her. She felt her spirit snap inside while it slowly bled a river. Her mind yelled terrible things to her, things not meant to say aloud.
She felt crazy. All she could think about was pain. He looked into her eyes and smiled again. Then he picked up the bat and hit her head just hard enough to make her unconscious. She didn’t feel pain in those moments: she thought of home. Her dad's apartment and her friends. How they'd spend hours talking. She saw herself running in a field with deer all around her then she saw Eliot jump at her in this moment, she woke up.
Eliot was in another room staring at her from there. He was eating his dinner while he watched her. Emma wondered how he could eat while a young woman was bleeding to death in his kitchen.
"You're up! Oh, I thought you might have died. I was afraid the fun was over," he snickered.
"Holy crap. It's real. He's still here! My God, if you cared for me at all, don’t let it end like this!"
She didn’t believe much in God. She thought he was a fairy tale, but she cried out to him anyway in her mind: she had no one else. Eliot started to drink and became very drunk. He felt so happy it was sickening to her. She looked to the table next to her where there were drugs, which he must have used on her while she was unconscious.
"I just love a good murder!"
As he said that, he picked up a knife. Again he was planning to torture her. Maybe she'd finally give up her precious life, and her head would fall lifeless. He took the knife and touched her skin. She rattled the chair with her upper-body strength and shook her head side to side trying to get him to stop.
"No, no, don’t!" she pleaded.
He started to cut her. Her skin tingled, and she trembled. Blood seeped out of her shaking arm. She couldn’t move to get away. She had to suffer, just watching him do that to her! She screamed and tried the best she could to be loud. The only thing she could do to get help was scream and hope someone would hear her. He stopped after a while and drank out of the beer bottles on the table.
He was high and drunk! Almost subconsciously, he untied her part of her to take her somewhere. However, he fell to the cold, hard floor.
Emma sobbed in fear when he saw he untie her but now she was relieved to be free.
She used the fact that her arms were untied to her advantage. She reached as far as she could to the table next to her and grabbed a knife; then she started to cut herself free. She struggled to get up from the chair but made it, then she bolted for another room in Eliot's house. She looked everywhere for a first aid kit and finally found it in his bedroom.
"What are the odds?"
She went back into the kitchen quickly and started to wrap her wounds. It stung horribly, but she knew she had to move quickly before he woke up. After she finished, she looked for her phone because his wasn't working and he had hidden hers. She cleaned herself with some wet cloths and wrapped and sewed her worst wounds; then went upstairs. Maybe she could find her phone there. Emma pulled things out of cabinets and drawers, but she couldn't find it. She found a gun of his and took it into a few more rooms.
Eliot woke up after hearing her upstairs. He followed her noises, and she heard him coming.
"Oh, shit," she whispered as she went into his room and hid behind the door.
Eliot knew she had found something to defend herself, and since he wasn’t stupid, he also took a weapon. She held her breath as she heard him coming her way.
"Where are you?" he asked in an excited voice.
She hadn't used a gun before, but she had seen her father at target practice. Hopefully she had a good aim. He came in and looked around while she sneaked out of the room. However, he heard a floorboard creak and followed quickly. She ran but turned back at him to fire the gun. Empty! She threw it at his head and ran down the stairs. She limped as fast as she could down those stairs, but every time she took a step she felt like her organs were going to fall out. Her head convulsed, her eyes were probably bloodshot, and her arms felt like they'd fall off. Her breathing was heavy and weak. It sounded like a bad car motor.
"Argh! Damn these wounds!" she cursed as she gripped her bleeding side.
"Slow down!" he yelled.
"Crap," she slurred as she kept running.
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hi Keepwriting,
I have a quick review for you. I really enjoyed this piece, I'm a big horror story/movie buff so I can't get enough of these short stories.
I can't fault your creativity, or the entertaining nature of your story. However, I have a few suggestions that may make some sentences flow better.
E.g. "She was panting from the massive amount of energy she had lost trying to fight back."
I generally feel that when we use words like "he/she" multiple times in a sentence, that there may be a better way to construct the sentence, to draw a clearer picture. One way you could reconstruct could be:
"She was panting heavily from the massive amount of energy spent trying to fight back."
The following sentence I perceived to be a thought in her head:
"Holy crap. It's real. He's still here! My God, if you cared for me at all, don’t let it end like this!"
If this is the case, then it came off as confusing to me, as the quotation marks seem to imply she says it out loud. I generally italicize thoughts, so they appear different from spoken word. So that may help as a suggestion I hope.
Another sentence that was slightly confusing to me was:
"He was high and drunk! Almost subconsciously, he untied {her part of her to take her} somewhere."
There are three "her" words in one sentence, and though I understand the gist of what you are trying to say, it might be better illustrated if the sentence is restructured.
Anyway, it was a great piece, and really fun to read. I hope we get to find out if Em made it out okay soon!
Thanks for the review. I actually posted this a long time ago and I can't remember if I fixed the problems. And I had italicized the thoughts but for some reason it didn't stay when I posted it. I will correct these mistakes thanks again for your review!
Hello! I changed the confusing sentences. I hope you all find it easier to read.
Hi,
yeah this was quite good (did I mentioned great?) and this story was starting with two main characters, Em and Eliot (both started with 'E': quite romantic, actually! (XD)) and what I thought of your biggest error was 'dialogue' and after the 'dialogue' that you used:
I ain't a fan of these words (I called them 'the repetition expression/description') and I wanted to say the word, WOW! to you as you didn't put a single of [he/she said] in this story (or you did put it?).
Remember, most of the dialogues described the description on how he/she says his/her scripts. As:
We know that she was cursing her wounds and yet you explained it:
You could throw out some of them or replaced with the 'he/she said' thing (this thing(this trash) makes my eyes opened).
You should put colon[:] instead of dot[.].
Okay(what was the thing I'm going to say?XD), like Despondence said:
Some of the speech weren't normal; you should make it easier to read.
And about this, I prefer italicizing this thing and remove the quotations (because it was making me confused) and it would flow better!
Overall, I like this story and I will continue to read the next; next; next; next~~~chapters!
Keep writing and I hope this helped ya!
Im glad you enjoyed it don't forget to click *like*
My pleasure...
Hey Wonderwoman! Here to review your chapter for review day. I like your title already. It caught my eye.
I like your first paragraph. It’s short, snappy and straight to the point. Using short sentences really helps with creating tension.
This sentence doesn’t sit quite right with me. The words seem to be in the wrong order or something? You could try something like: “The man in front of her could be the downfall of her future”? Up to you though, of course.
I want to know what it is about this girl that can help her stay one, alive during this onslaught of violence and two, conscious! Has she got some hidden secret? Ah. She’s unconscious now. I’m kind of glad in the way that it makes the narrative more believable.
How does she know how Elliot is feeling and how he has committed murders before? You need to check about who you want to narrate this story. In parts it reads as though she is telling to story but how could she know everything Eliot is feeling? Check this.
Overall, I like the violence in this piece. It’s brutal and well thought out. Just make sure that any of the blows wouldn’t have hurt her permanently before you want them to! You need to go easy on her to a certain extent to she can escape. Also, check your narration. Decide on who is telling the story and stick to it.
Good luck! Feel free to ask me any questions, anytime!
Olive <3
Hey, Im glad you enjoyed it thanks for your review. Don't forget to *like* it!
*whispers* You summoned me through your wall post... so here I am
Would you mind giving this poor, YWS point-less child some virtual cookies? 
Just spam my wall with them~~~~~ \(^w^)
Wooooo what a violent piece OwO Lovely. I also enjoyed Eliot's personality. I s'ppose it's just a matter of personal preference, but I am very fond of the more psychotic characters. ^w^
), try suggesting that Eliot held back in his assault so Emma wouldn't die (I'm reading the latest version of this story, but inferring from the previous reviews, he has captured her for a reason. He wouldn't be out to kill her before he achieved that purpose). Don't have him break her ribs, and don't have her sides be bleeding. Or, if you want to maximize the blood, have him implant nails (preferably rusty ones >: D) into the bat, so even if he hits lightly and swings the bat perpendicular to Emma (instead of parallel, as implied in this chapter), he can break skin with the nails.
Anyways, ONTO DA REVIEWZ!
But of course, there's always plenty of room for improvements. There is still an assortment of grammatical errors and typos all throughout the piece (which none of the reviewers before me have mentioned yet), but I'm sure you can weed those out yourself. If you would still like for me to point them out, I will be glad to do so.
Now, there are two major points in this chapter that are quite unrealistic:
1. If a grown man were to hit a person in the side with a bat (metal or wood? Please specify in your story) with all his might, he would break ribs upon the first impact. If he were to repeat that action, the victim's rib fragments would be shoved into his/her organs, and he/she would die of internal bleeding within minutes. If Eliot did indeed hit Emma at full force, she wouldn't just be screaming out of the pain, she'd be dead before long. Not to mention, she was knocked out right after, so she would simply die before she could wake. She was already bleeding at the mouth, indicating serious internal damage. It's neigh impossible to survive that. Even if she were to, however, she can't just patch herself up right after. It would require hours of meticulous care and surgery performed by armies of doctors to save a person in that condition. And she most certainly wouldn't be able to run from him right after freeing herself.
Also, in the last part, Emma is described to be holding her bleeding side. Like I said, the impact will mostly likely break ribs. Those fragments can break skin and result in bleeding, but at that point, the victim's insides will be pretty messed up already. It was stated that Emma felt as if her organs will fall out, but she'd most likely feel as if they're being torn apart--because they are. Every step she takes will only jar the pieces further into her innards. She'll literally be dead by the end of her run.
To make this story more believable, and keep hold of the violence (oooh I love the gore
2. The portrayal of Emma's reactions to Eliot passing out is quite strange. Her attitude seemed to shift dramatically from that of a fearful victim, to that of a disgusted snot. True, she has plenty of reasons to loathe him, and it'll show. But instead of cursing him, it's much more logical for her to be thanking her lucky stars. To hint at her hatred, try using subtle body language instead. Have her maybe sigh or even sob from relief that the torture is over, and maybe even glare at Eliot's fallen form with silent venom.
~~~
Besides those two things, I've also noticed you used the word "squealed" a couple of times. "Squeal" usually has two connotations. One relates to excitement, especially the happy little noises made by younger girls. Emma is definitely NOT a happy little girl in this case. The other usage of this word relates humans to animals, e.g. pigs. Pigs are lovely animals, but when a human is compared to a pig, it usually isn't to compliment them. "Squealing", used in this manner, connotes a negative personality, maybe a sniveling one. It induces a sense of dislike towards the character. Emma doesn't seem to be a bad character, or a villain protagonist, so you do not want the readers to gain a bad first impression of her. Try words like "shriek" and "shrill" instead. Those two words indicate loud noises and suggest intense emotions--befitting of a captured victim.
~~~
Overall, I did enjoy this chapter. As I've said previously, it can still be vastly improved upon, but I believe that you have an amazing start as it is. I'm intrigued by the plot and the motives behind Emma's capture (Eliot MUST have captured her for SOME other reason), as well as the antagonist's eccentric personality. (I can't lie, in stories like these, homicidal characters that have a large focus on them tends to be the best characters XD)
Alright, that's all I got for now XD I hope that helped~~~
Happy writing~~~!
Thank you sooo much! Yes, it helped a lot. Hehehe, my brother told me the beating was kind of unbelievable but I have changed some of the story now. I hope it's believable! lol
I like it. I like it a lot. The detail was just between to much and not enough and the psychotic killer made the story so much more interesting. His attitude was incredibly unique. My only suggestion is that you leave the chapter with more of a cliff hanger. Maybe instead of saying,"Crap," she slurred as she kept running." Just have her say, "Crap." and you don't know what happens and you'll want to keep reading. Other than that, it was great!
Okay, cool idea! Thanks don't forget to click "like".
Hello guys, I have changed this quite a bit so the story would be more interesting and easy to follow.
Hey hey, here like ya want.
Nice word usage, 'incessant' was a really nice word to use there.
At the end for the first paragraph, I liked the analogy.
Here.
Instead on wonder use wondering. And I agree with @ArtStyx with the (--worth it). If you're trying to great a pause there, don't. It's better without it, even though I see what your trying to do there. Well I think I do.
With the most that I've read, I feel this, Doesn't really belong, maybe reword it. Don't just state their names, give it away differently. If you can, but if you like it, keep it.
"...he had been beating her for, what felt to be hours now, and she wasn't certain she could carry on."
If you're going to end with !, the capitalize the h in he.
There's three he's and one his in this sentence, try to change that. Like; "He yelled while raising the bat in his hands." Maybe?
This seems more like a pause so you don't have to starts a new sentence. 'I can tell you...argh...where she...i--is." And maybe end with she pants out, because I feel she would be panting.
What is he trying to say in the beginning? Cause I'm not making since of it. So you should probably take out the I'll part and start with all. Even the I, it won't really make since.
With she and her beside each other, I like to put a comma in between them.
"her eyes, she thought, were probably blood shot..." Either make it that way or to fit the sentence structure take out the she thought. It's best to take it out though because of how you write the first and last part of that.
Take out 'a' in this.
Put these two together. Makes it much better, in my opinion.
I know this maybe over used but I think you sound say..
"He was (hot) on her tail..." Or something other than close, shows creativity and differential there.
Here. (ready!) Why the exclamation point?
Don't forget to capitalize here. (he ) It's after ready!
Take out 'to' and change the beginning of the second sentence to "He picked up the knife..."
You don't need close and down in the same sentence, just use closer.
Meh....again kind of doesn't fit. Maybe finish it off differently. I liked everything else but the end slightly hurt the rest. Maybe don't name all the medical supplies just say medical supplies. You already stated that she went to medical school, so we know she knows what everything she needs is. Also put that sentence and the one after it together, they belong together.
Okay I get why you stated not have the phone, but the 'time to get out of the house...' part, I'm not really feeling it. I feel like should would say something.....different.
Over all I liked it, but the ending...meh. I kind of wish it was....not too dramatic per-say but maybe a little more dramatic. I loved what she said before she knocked him out, but I wish she had hit him in his man pride again after she said that and then knocked him out. Get it, somewhat dramatic and funny.
Over all, like I said I liked it. But I kind of though it would hold a little bit more 'horror'. Since it's listed under that. Maybe describe what all he did to her, seeing as he is known and listed as a serial killer. Maybe she could think of how many ways he could kill her? That's up to you though.
Soap...I'm on to the next one. Tottles.
Thanks!!!
Artstyx's ready for a review - finally!
First of all, I liked this short story because it was "on the point". You have established the characters and given us some sort of their background. You have also given Eliot a clear motive, so he's not beating Emma just because he's a serial killer. He's doing it to get to her sister.
I especially loved the following sentence:
It provided an imagery of rush and struggle. So, well done!
Moving on, here are the nitpicks:
I didn't see the point of the hypen in "was--worth it". Is it there for a specific effect?
The "Eliot had done, murder" part sounds choppy and awkward. Consider rewording it.
I don't think "squealed" is the right word to use. It doesn't suit the situation. Secondly, if she's out of energy, she can't squeal. Try "rasped", "whispered" or "mumbled" instead.
"He giggled" - This doesn't sound right. Try "chuckled" instead.
In one of the dialogues, Eliot says, "ha, ha, ha." I'd suggest you delete it from here and write "he laughed" or "he chuckled" in the dialogue tag. It sounds more professional.
How can a serial killer be so careless as to not only not tie Emma, but also to leave the bat next to her? You should develop it more. Instead of her finding the bat in the room she's in, perhaps she finds it in the room Eliot catches up with her.
It would have been better if you took more time to describe the pain after this sentence. It'd add to the tension.
This sentence is incompleted. Also, I'd suggest you to put it as her thought. She'd struggle to speak after recieving such a beating, so it'd be more appropriate for her to think it.
Towards the end, you seem to gloss over the details. Your pacing needs some work in this piece. Though the fast-paced might be intentional as it's a scene with action, drama, and tension, we still need some necessary descriptions, such as her feelings at this point, talk about her injuries and pain having an impact her ability to hit him etc.
Overall, good effort! As it's dramatic/horror, I enjoyed reading it. I can see a lot of potential.
Well done, and keep writing!
Hey thank you so much I really found your review helpful and yes, I think I could add some more description.
No problem! Glad I could help.
I made some changes I hope it looks better now.
Yes, it does!
Hiya, Despondence stopping by for a review :3
Hmm... Very interesting short you got here. I rather enjoy the concept you have of a woman attempting to escape from a serial killer who's trying to get some information out, and she has to eventually work up enough courage to get out of there... It all boils down to a very suspenseful atmosphere that kept me reading!
However, there were a few minor details that irked me a bit... Starting with the voices Emma hears throughout this story. I would really like more detail and elaboration on this, why she had one voice telling her what to do while she seemingly ignored it. There also wasn't much context into her battling with the voices, which clearly had a different motive than what she had in mind. Does she have a mental illness? Was it the stress of the situation? Does she have dual personalities? It may seem minor, but little details given out like this can make your story more interesting and in depth!
Also some nitpicking on some sentences~
"Voices were flowing threw her head like snakes slithering in the sand."
You used the wrong threw here, it should be through. Otherwise you're implying the voices were being thrown through her head. And this might just be a personal preference for me, but putting "the" in the beginning of the sentence seems to have more detail, and it reads a lot better.
"He didn’t want to kill Emma but if he had to, he would--he would kill her. He was a serial killer and he knew just how to do it."
In my opinion there should be a comma after Emma, there's suppose to be a dramatic tension leading in this sentence, so having commas to link clauses together could help create more mood than you'd think. Forcing the reader's mind to pause when they get to a plot point by using a comma is a good way to put emphasis on your words to properly articulate the emotion you're trying to get from the reader!
Lastly, there's the way you type speech... It's somewhat confusing. Sometimes I got confused if it was the voices talking or if it was Emma, I had to resort to context to figure it out. Maybe using apostrophe marks instead of quotations to help distinguish thoughts from what a character is speaking, or put the voices in italics. That would help create the fact that the voices are trying to persuade to do something she obviously doesn't want to. Just little things to keep in mind so it can flow a lot better~
All in all, I still think you need a little bit of finishing here and there, but otherwise you did a pretty fantastic job! I hope to read more from you on this concept, you have a lot of potential! ^^
~Despondence
Hiya Despondence, thanks for the review. I was writing this rather rapidly so I guess I didn't think very much on this. And, thanks! <3 Don't forget to click the "like" button if you enjoyed it.
Oh and just a fyi I had the voices italicized but it didn't show for some reason. >.<
Ahh, you might have to edit that when you post it YWS using the formatting options! I had to do that once for one of my works D:
Okay, I mended the mistakes.