okay, lemme make this clear. THIS POEM IS NOT ORIGINAL it is a remix of the child nursury rhyme "the ants go marching" I do not know who actually wrote it but make sure you know that whoever did, wrote it first. This is just my version.
the ants go marching one by one
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants go marching one by one
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants go marching one by one
the little one stops to look for the sun
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of the rain
Boom boom boom
the ants go marching two by two
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants go marching two by two
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants go marching two by two
the killer sees little one in plain view
but they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of the rain.
Boom boom boom
the ants go marching three by three
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants go marching three by three
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants go marching three by three
little one thinks "someone's following me."
still they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of the rain
Boom boom boom
the ants go marching four by four
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants go marching four by four
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants go marching four by four
soon little ant will breathe no more.
they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of the rain
Boom booom boom
the ants go marching five by five,
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants go marching five by five,
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants go marching five by five,
someone wants little one, dead or alive.
they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of the rain.
Boom boom boom
the ants go marching six by six
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants go marching six by six
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants go marching six by six
the killer plans for one of his favorite tricks
as they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of the rain.
Boom boom boom
the ants go marching seven by seven
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants go marcing seven by seven
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants go marching seven by seven
he jumps from a tree as if come from heaven
and they all stop marching down to the ground
despite of the rain.
Boom boom boom
the ants are standing eight by eight
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants are standing eight by eight
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants are standing eight by eight
the little one turns but it is too late
as his life comes crashing down to the ground
shattered in the rain.
Boom boom boom
the ants come crying nine by nine
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants come crying nine by nine
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants come crying nine by nine
they watch his eyes fade, and they know he is dyin'.
they all go falling down to the ground
tears falling like the rain.
Boom boom boom
the ants come mourning ten by ten
hurrah, hurrah.
the ants come mourning ten by ten
hurrah, hurrah!
the ants come mourning ten by ten
after everything done, it still came to an end,
so they all go marching down to the ground
leaving little one in the rain.
Boom boom boom
Boom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Okay, quickie review.
I liked this poem, particularly the way you used that nursery rhyme to highlight the fact that although the original version of that one wasn't, nursery rhymes are very scary things.
The rhythm was good, except some lines seemed to get a little too long. Other than that, good.
Wow. I will never see this poem the same way again! That was different. In a morbid, depressing way...which is not a bad thing! If you look at my poetry it's all pretty dark....anyway, moving on. You had a pretty good setup, but that's a given since you already had the rhythm planned for you, but there were little things in your lines that needed a little tweaking:
Two-by-Two had a little rhythm issue.
Six-by-Six the wording seems a little off.
Great twist! I liked it a lot. Keep writing!
That was a sad ending.
Review:
I think the starting alphabets of your stanzas (at least) should be capitalized. Oh, and remember to capitalise the alphabet after a period.
It makes it look neater and more presentable.
The ants go marching one by one
Hurrah, hurrah. (Just a suggestion. I think 'hurrah, hurrah.' makes it lose some appeal.)
The ants go marching one by one
Hurrah, hurrah!
The ants go marching one by one,
the little one stops to look for the sun
and they all go marching down to the ground
to get out of the rain.
Add in some commas to show pauses between the sounds. And maybe use italics for it. It'll make these sections stand out from the rest of the poem.
Boom, boom, boom. or Boom, boom, boom!
Comma before dialogue. And capitalise 's' for 'someone'.
Without much punctuation and capitalization of letters when necessary, the poem looks a bit clumped together.
With some polishing up, this poem would look pretty spiffy.
It's already quite good right now. It's just a matter of working on the presentation.
Keep writing!