To strike the rage within,
to rip it from my chest,
would be to rip out my own heart
For that's where it's at rest.
I used to show my soul,
I used to wear it, proud.
Now it cowers, deep inside me,
Scared to ever come out.
The smiles I wear are lies.
A cover for my pain.
For, though I say I'm doing well,
There's nothing I have gained.
I hurt the ones I love,
Because I've lost control.
I twist and scream it fits of rage,
Untill I become cold.
I scream for help, because
I know I'm losing me.
I've been infected by torment,
and sadly, no one sees.
Who will come to help me?
Who'll free me from my chains?
who will teach me how to love, and
how to live again?
I'm nothing now, I know.
untill someone finds me,
And puts the joy back into life,
And shows me how to, BE
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
This poem reminds me of what I used to me like. I love this
BehindTheMask, you are correct, that was a spelling error I intend to fix. Thank you both for helping, because indeed i was struggling with some parts. Thanks again.
I like this!!! and your right it looks like my poem is an answer to yours!
Hi there!
I have a few suggestions. 1.) There are a few spelling errors, so it might be a good idea to run through your poem real quick. 2.) If your title is going to be called "Who Will Love?" then I would incorporate that somewhere in the poem. Either in the beginning/end, or you could end each little segment with "Who will love?" 3.) There was an over usage of commas, definitely. For example, I found that this quote just didn't flow.
That was your ending sentence. What would sound better is: And shows me how to be. This was another sentence I would suggest looking at:
The word infected seems as if you kind of just added it there to put something there. How about these words: ridden, driven mad, haunted. It's your poem, so these suggestions are optional. Hope this helped!
-Deelish
HI! I'm BehindtheMask and I'm going to review your poem today. I think this poem is very emotionally powerful and very grasping. The rhyme scheme fits is beautifully and is very easy to follow.
Nitpicks:
These two stanzas were very powerful:
Besides that, you seem to follow a strict quatrain pattern and though you have a couple rhyming issues that bug me, I'm not going to say anything because they don't mess up the rhythm.
Overall, awesome work! I look forward to reading more of your stuff