Slaughtered Over Kind Words

Thanks bguys! I knew this poem was off, i just couldnt tell how. thanks for pointiing it all out

Why hello, my fellow friend and writer. I shall review your poem today.

First things first:

Dripping from my mouth,
Splashing all around.
I cover my lips with smeared fingers
And I fall onto the ground. #FF0000 ">Good stanza, but the last two lines seem way too long. Instead of "And I fall to onto the ground", try "As I fall to the ground' Or 'Then I fall to the ground'. 'Onto' would mean the same thing as to. It just provides an extra unneeded syllable.

I can see the red, #FF0000 ">This is a very bland sentence. Try replacing red with something a little more creative.
My now lethal words #FF0000 ">Do you mean you said something lethal? It's a bit confusing because you don't say anything about words before, and the 'now' makes it feel like I missed something.
Soaked in my blood and hung out to dry
Then pecked at by the cruel birds.

#0040FF ">-By the very ones I gave them to!- #FF0000 ">I would suggest italicizing this, and erasing the -'s.

I #0040FF ">let go of my lips. #FF0000 ">Replace "let go" with 'release'
Let the blood and words flow
together at last, as fate would have.
I let agony show.

As my breath speeds and fails,
I plead with longing eyes.
Please! Heed my words, have faith,
Accept my final goodbyes.#FF0000 "> As Kafka stated before, you have a bucketload of long e's in this stanza, but besides those being a little distractng I thought it was brilliant! Well done.

This was a really intense poem. I don't know if it's just my stupidity, but I can't quite grasp the meaning of this. Did the person speaking help someone and was betrayed by them? That's what I'm getting from the poem. Anyways, I thought it rhymed very well, and was very attention-capturing, although a bit confusing sometimes. My favorite parts were the fourth and sixth sections. They were lethal, but well-written. I like the 'final goodbyes' because it's like the person is really being killed by those words.

Dripping from my mouth,
Splashing all around. #FF0000 ">Simplistic and cliched, let alone devoid of any sense of imagery.
I cover my lips with smeared fingers #FF0000 ">Too long. With shorter lines like these, you have to be careful about long lines.
And I fall onto the ground. #FF0000 ">Get rid of "I."

I can see the red, #FF0000 ">This could be said in a much more intriguing way.
My now lethal words #FF0000 ">"Now" lethal? What, they weren't lethal then? This sounds pretty weird regardless.
Soaked in my blood and hung out to dry #FF0000 ">Again, too long.
Then pecked at by the cruel birds. #FF0000 ">"Cruel" sounds off.

Those words, so harmless
Turned into sharp darts #FF0000 ">Darts are always sharp. You don't have to tell me that.
-By the very ones I gave them to!- #FF0000 ">Meh. Doesn't flow very well.
And aimed straight for my heart.

I offered help and love, #FF0000 ">"Help" sounds odd here.
But just hate was recieved. #FF0000 ">"Recieved" should be spelled "received."
In times of weakness and times of pain, #FF0000 ">Wording's off - you're missing a second "in." Also, this is pretty long.
I alone was decieved. #FF0000 ">Spelled "deceived" wrong. Once again, you mixed up the I and the E.

I let go of my lips. #FF0000 ">How does that work?
Let the blood and words flow
together at last, as fate would have.
I let agony show. #FF0000 ">Could be better.

As my breath speeds and fails, #FF0000 ">"Speeds" isn't the right word. Try "quickens."
I plead with longing eyes. #FF0000 ">"Plead" sounds too much like "speed."
Please! Heed my words, have faith, #FF0000 ">You're using quite a lot of long E's in this stanza. Was that intentional?
Accept my final goodbyes.

It's a rather difficult poem to understand. Punctuation and capitalization need some fixing. I wouldn't use dashes around "By the very ones I gave them to" nor would I use an exclamation point. I would just completely seperate that out from that stanza or use just one dash and a period. I would also get rid of very. Remember the Mark Twain quote "Substitute (blank) for very and your editor will delete them out." Very is a very bad word to use, haha literary humor. Overall, the descriptive quality is interesting and good, but punctuation is an issue. It has a weird ending. "Accept my final goodbyes." A little ominous, don't you think? Very interesting, good job.