Maybe I write of the pain
because pain is all I feel.
Maybe I put loss in words
because my loss is real.
When night pulls a curtain
over the sun,
my words turn to tears
because day shall have none.
Don't say that my scars
are useless lies.
They are the gates to the truth
that I hide in my eyes.
Maybe I joke so much
so I do not cry.
Maybe I smile so much
'Cause I want to die.
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140,546 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Apart from that, I loved this poem. Keep writing!
i love this poem.
mostly because i know where you're coming from. i love the way the words flow, it just sounds really natural, and beautiful. i think you are a wonderful writer, that will amount to something.
Kafka here, as requested. Sorry about the delay.
I can definitely see some major improvements in your writing since the last time I've read your poetry. You have a much keener sense of flow and wording. I'm not exactly a huge fan of rhyme schemes (I feel it represses the writer's ability to accurately describe an emotion), but I like how you executed it here. The lines flow fairly well. In fact, I have no nitpicks for the first stanza. However, as far as the second stanza goes, I think there's room for improvement. Firstly, the "when" implies that the reason your "words turn to tears" is that night comes, which seems like an overemotional thing to start crying over. I can't sympathize with overemotionality. I'm sure that the "night" is completely metaphorical, but the way you phrase it makes it sound as if you're nyctophobic. Also, I have no idea what's going on with that last line. So far you've been fairly straightforward, so this really caught me off-balance.
I have a bit more nitpicks for this couple of stanzas.
1) "Useless" doesn't seem like the right word to describe "lies."
2) The second line in the penultimate stanza is somewhat longer than the rest. It doesn't fit too well with the flow.
3) In the first line of the last stanza, "joke" kills the feeling.
4) Second line of the last stanza - "so" should be "that."
5) Like "joke," "smile" doesn't work with the feeling.
6) Two problems with the last line. Firstly, I think "'cause" would be better as "because," and secondly, I think it'd be more emotional if the line before it ended with a period. Sometimes, as is the case here, bluntness reinforces sentiment.
Okay! So, once again, good job. You're getting better each time. Hope to see more of you!
-Kafka
I love love love this! it is 95% perfect! (which i know perfect means 100%, just bear with me haha). I think that this is a great poem with a great message that means a lot to everyone who has ever had to fake a smile or anything such as that. I think most if not all writers have suffered these thoughts and feelings. The ONLY thing that I would have a question about that may lead to a change is the last sentence of the 2nd stanza. "because the day shall have none" or something to that effect. What is meant here? is there a meaning behind the words not being in the day? is that because the sun (figuratively speaking) would shine light on your lies? let me know, i love this absolutely! You are a great writer! Keep it up
Tommybear
I really like this poem and I am going to press the like button. I like the words that you placed in the stanzas and the way you wrote them. I like the poems that make you hear the words echo in your head, and yours is that poem. I am horrible at criticizing reviews, so that is all I have to say.
Thanks. I did not plan this one. The words were already there, I just needed to write them down.
I have to say that I love it. The pain, that's the pain I know so well. Lying to yourself and then you write and the ink becomes your blood as you cut deeper, tearing out your heart and throwing it on a platter for anyone to dissect coldly. I think it's that pain that draws me to your poetry. You are so effective in such few words and I absolutely love that quality. I love the metaphors you used in this. I can relate to every line. Maybe it's scary for others to see, but I love that scariness you put into this. It's sad though and I hope your pain clears soon. Thanks for writing this because I feel like this poem today. It was beautiful and I can't find anything wrong with it. Excellent.