Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,859 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
I love this.
The erratically placed capitals are one of the reasons, though, and if you sang it you couldn't hear those. So if you sing it be sure to emphasize those lines. The capitals are there and they want to be heard.
Now on to the content.
This is why I love it. You aren't saying you love the person. You aren't saying that they've hurt you. You aren't giving out compliments, not to them and not to yourself. You're being hard, saying you're just going to hurt them and they're deluding themselves. You're saying that you're posessive, cruel, and they shoudl step back. You're bragging a bit about your ability to make them hurt, but that's it. there's no niceness in this song, and believe me there is a lot of mincing in other people's songs. Where they mince, I wince. Be straightforward and don't make it look better for yourself or even your listener. This is a simple warning, clear and voiced. I can picture a cold, wicked queen facing a pleading suitor and sining this song.
At the same time, it isn't a rejection...exactly. If they don't listen, it's not your fault, you'll just manipulate and then break them like any harsh and wicked queen would.
Also, I like the similes. The way you insult the person, calling them a sick puppy, makes your indifference not just something your talking about. It's right there in your words and if they don't listen, they are a fool and deserve what comes.
Heh. This made my day.
Hi, Vous!
This was a pretty good piece you have here. I think if this were longer (or maybe just here, too) It would be cool to see a tieback to the heart, laugh, voice, and face introduced in the beginning. Maybe add on a second part after the kisses/hands/eyes stanza and then end with body/mind/love.
Anyway, I thought the simplicity of this was pretty neat. The meat of the song seems to be in those middle stanzas, and I feel more can be said to explain what the speaker is feeling. The boiling tar? I'm not quite sure what that refers to. Regret? Hunger? The image of the chains certainly sends the feel of this song into a more extreme message.
Overall, I didn't get much feeling from the speaker otherwise. I kind of got back-and-forth feelings from hungry for lust to dread and regret. I'm a bit confused as to what the song is trying to tell me. I can't really hypothesize a story out of it, either. It's just a.... the speaker seems to be a bit of a predator. Maybe an unwanted predator. I dunno!
It's a great start though, so I think just a b it more needs to be added to it. A bit more explanation to what kind of sitaution this song refers to. It makes it easier to relate to for the reader, and that's important for when reaching out to your audience.
Look forward to seeing more of your work, though!
Keep working!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Actually that was exactly what I was going for. A mix between lust and hunger and regret and pain. I kind of dramatized it a lot because I was angry. But really this is about how all of these lovesick teenage guys trying to get my attention, and I just push them away. I mean, I know that they most deffinintely do not love me, especially where I live, but I am so mean about shoving them aside. At least, that's how I feel. Because I want to be loved. But, I know it's not for real so I always end up hurting people. It makes me feel guilty. But yeah.... Awkward pouring out of the heart there. Thanks for your input.
Hey, I haven't reviewed in a while, but you asked so here goes.
The main thing that is missing here is voice, and flow. Right now, you have words and a message but they're all presented in a very bland way. There's no heart behind it. I could flip to a hundred different poems presented in a similar way with a similar theme, there is nothing here that makes it stand out.
The biggest thing I can recommend to salvage that, is expanding your language. Expand your vocabulary, your imagery, your voice. Simplicity is a beautiful thing, and it goes a long way, but you also need to say something beautifully.
As for the flow, everything ends rather bluntly here. I am not talking about rhyming, but rhythm is important. Try reading your poem aloud, and any part that doesn't flow off your lips naturally should be rewritten. I tried reading this aloud a few times and found myself stumbling over the line breaks and all of the transitions were rather weak.
You also have some strange choices as far as capitalization goes, I can tell it's an attempt at changing the style but for some reason it just really doesn't do it for me. It almost makes it that much harder to read and stunts the flow of the piece even more.
The last bit of advice I will give, and it is one I have heard a million times myself, is to show not tell. Give us an image, something to picture with your words. Telling me you feel sick with love doesn't have the same affect as saying "I saw him and my stomach churned, knotting and twisting with unease." Image is a beautiful thing.
I hope this helps!
OverEasy