If we put our heads together and enter thought
for one long, resplendently awful moment,
we would feel our skulls merging
to become two pairs of eyes staring down
the broken memories in the other's mirrors
And then, boring too deep into brain matter,
our minds would propel each other out
and pieces of bone would fly into the air
to be captured by puddles of oil
so that they might sink in hidden lagoons,
dragging down loathsome emotions.
I've grown tired of this game, and the way
that you thrust it upon me over and over,
as does an eager child who can't understand
why the baseball among his birthday presents
is good at breaking apart stained-glass windows.
I have to say stop, I don't want this,
let our conjoined state end, you parasitic twin,
so I may finally bleed in peace.
Rubber bullets cannot close up my wounds,
and I cannot hold you at my side
if you treat me as a pumpkin to gut.
I will not be there to watch you cry;
when I placed you within my heart,
and when I watched you rip it apart,
did you ever stop to wonder why?
When will I stop wondering why?
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138,082 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I don't know if this will be a helpful review or not for you, fox. Let's hope not all i can do is say congratulations.
First off, I love the 5-6-5-6-5 structure, that's pretty rad, and I love the way it scarcely rhymes. I love this concept of merging but it's not in the right state, and you are different consistencies, and so pass through each other with violent repercussions no less. You knew eXactly what you were doing when you started this poem, that much is obvious.
"Pieces of bone" doesn't seem to be very poetic, if i might say so. In fact, that whole second stanza should probably be attacked in a more emotionally vicious manner. Besides "a pumpkin to gut" this is the most vivid part of the story, and more powerful word choices than "sink, dragging, hidden, capture, fly" would probably have invigorated the picture there.
Everything about the 3rd stanza is very wonderfully explained, but to make it more effectual, the flow from line to line did not sound to be breaking at the right parts. I would suggest chopping it into a few more lines if you can find a way u like. Hahaha! but one of the best parts is when you "have to" tell the figurative kid to sTOP!
Bleed in peace is kind of cliche, don't you think? even bleed in piece would be a fantastic upgrade. Okay, so why did you suddenly bring in rubber bullets? and next you're off to holding the parasitic twin to your side. They just don't seem to correlate, and why would you think rubber bullets would ever close up your wounds anyhow?
The ending, I'm expecting something real awesome in all honesty: but I have to say it was rather weak and diluted compared to what you crafted among the first four pillars of this. A heart is ripped apart. Heartbreak can be described a million different ways, but this was really what you settled to go with? By the end I am stopped to wonder why, why this is marked as a poem and not song lyrics. Nevertheless, I am quite impressed by the vast majority of this poem, just a smidgeon disillusiioned with the parting statements.
I givvvve thiiiiiissss: 8.7/100 !!! You were just short of putting me into a good kind of trance
Hey, so this is a great poem! It has great imagery.
The first thing I noticed that you actually used punctuation and it made me so happy! That a great habit to get into and I wish more people did it.
Next, so this poem would be fantastic if you used to horror element to make it a little psychedelic. That would add to the effect of the poem and the confusion and pain of the narrator.
I think you could make it longer. I dont think that it has to be terribly long but a little more would add to it.
Lastly, Id like more graphic words. Make it more interesting with out of the ordinary words. You've already started this so you are on the right track.
Overall, great job and you did a great job with the horror element.
EverWinter
Hey TheSilverFox,
First Impressions: Definitely not your "kosher" 4x4 poem, so, props for that. I was intrigued by the uniqueness of the layout and the pattern, as well as your interesting usage of old and new vocabulary, which created an interesting, sort of eclectic style.
Positives:
Love the imagery here, as it takes a few moments of thought before I grasp exactly what it is that you were trying to portray. Bits like this make the poem fresh, and full.
Thought this part was particularly of interest, as the first line is a sort of oxy-moron in and of itself, and the second two almost made me laugh when I read them. It's a strange play on words to couple "rubber" with "bullets," and I'm not one hundred percent sure what you want the Reader to grasp from it, but there's a lot that they can.
Negatives: The only thing that I would personally improve about this short piece is to possibly find ways to keep from using words such as "resplendently" and "brain matter" too close to one another, as it creates a strange, not very connected flow. Of course, if that's what you wanted, then it does a great job.
Overall: Quite enjoyed this poem, and will definitely be back to reread it in search of some new insight. If you've got any personal thoughts and impressions from the Writer, love to hear them.
I give it:
Thanks, and keep it on!