Lyre, Lyre

I won't go into why I'm reviewing this, but it'll be a short analysis and some tendon rips.

Before we dive in, acknowledge that your line break game isn't very strong here, and the flow of the piece is heavily hindered because of this particular issue. I'd really enjoy another invitation to read if you experiment with this form, as right now I feel that your goal was to create line symmetry, which does not function well.

The Coward:

When you focus so heavily on a main character/narrator's negative traits with no redemption, just as in fiction, the reader has a high probability of simply finding the element annoying with no need to explain. I suggest you stop wailing on this self-insert and confess to having some redeeming qualities, or else the piece will ever-suffer.

The Follower:

Also not developed much, but given to praise as the poem's focus. What did he/she do to earn such love and admiration in the eyes of the narrator? Why don't we get to know?

The Killer:

No motivation mentioned. A prop, and not given to symbolism with the matters we have at hand. Inference can be taken to indicate depression because that's how I read murder poems.

So how do we read this?

"Follow me if you want to die" (my mind is a toxic place and I'd rather you not experience it.)
"My arrow will never hit its mark" (I read this as a way of being defenseless to your demons)
"I will run...to jelly" (Didn't really get much in this stanza at all, perhaps just reinforcement of the cowardice you're piling on)
"If you do not...I deserve" (Further reinforcement of both main characters.)

Let's talk about Apollo. He's got a crapton of titles, but I think the thing (not title) that works for the poem most (for me) is his attachment to the Oracle at Delphi. Since he's the god of wisdom, and his temple handed out fortune cookies, and he laughs at the narrator in this piece, I can only assume he was referenced to draw a further dissection between the narrator and the wisdom or foresight he tries to swing (again and again.)

If we take a walk around the family and character tree, we find Artemis, hearth goddess. Comforting and warm. And I can't help but wonder if the secondary character is aligned under her star because s/he makes the narrator feel safe--until they go by his doomed plans. It gives a nicer flavoring to the piece, but I'm still in want for more. I'm still in want for clarity and more story for the amount of flat statements we're given.

But don't give up on this piece. It has killer potential.
Ty

Hey TheSilverFox! CorruptedArrow here with a review! If I offend you in any way I apologize in advance.

This is a good piece. I'm just going to be helping you with a few minor things, like comma placement (that's all I'm going to be doing.)

"I am the liar,
the coward soul, and I
will disappoint you." There shouldn't be a comma after 'soul'.

"My arrow
will never hit its mark,
unless it is your shoulder,
the edge of the roof..." The comma after 'shoulder' should be a period.

"...if you stop him,
you will only find me
impaled on my bow,
Apollo mocking me
from his chariot above." There is no need for a comma after 'him'.

"If you do not stop him,
I hope that they will
make a golden statue for you,
handing your body into its arms
(as you deserve)
while they bury me
in the ashes
of ten thousand liars,
ten thousand coward souls
(as I deserve)." I'm just going to suggest where commas and periods need to be. Periods will be the first, there should be a period after 'deserve' (The first one.) Now for the commas. There is no need for a comma after 'him'.

After all this is said and done, I hope that has been helpful. Keep up the writing and have a Good day!

Radrook here to offer a review with the purpose of helping others improve their writing.

First, I found the poem a pleasant and fascinating read because it raises so many questions and stirs the imagination. Also because of the way that the speaker admits a character flaw. It is a rare thing for a person to feel proud of being a coward. But this poem describes someone who seems proud of it. In fact, he seems to feel that he deserves whatever death brings because of it.

Then the drama increases the coward speaks about another he calls "you" whom he also deems deserving of death. The reason why that other person is deemed deserving of death isn't provided nor hinted at. So the motive for the coward saying that the other person deserves to die remains a mystery.

Strangely, the coward tell this other person not to trust any promises he makes because he will always be lying. Another enigma! At first I took this as a friendly warning. But then the coward reveals that he is glad if the other person gets killed because the other person deserves it just as he deserves to die for his cowardice. I understood his missing with his arrow as a consequence of his fears interfering with his aim. Then the coward describes himself as impaled on a bow. Not sure how a bow can impale. Perhaps an arrow was intended? Not sure exactly how the Greek god Apollo fits into the situation. Neither did researching Apollo offer me any hints.

Suggestions

Avoiding being too vague in Poetry
https://wdouglaswhite.wordpress.com/201 ... too-vague/

Providing a hint as to why the coward deems the other person worthy of death would be nice.

....before my legs turn to jelly[.]

[I]f you stop him,....

....if you want to die[.]