Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
I dream in color, and it is always red:
insane ramblings of imaginings of fighting mass shooters
and being struck in the chest, heart-broken;
or being stabbed on the shoulder in front of a biology class;
or shot while barricading a door to my dorm and friends;
or aiming and shooting the killer in the head,
and turning and shooting the killer in the head.
Anything but running, anything but escaping
and saving my worthless, tanned rawhide;
nothing but running, out a second-floor window,
ignoring the way glass cuts through my skin
to make paper-mache artwork,
and the obvious question of why the sky is so bloodshot
when viewed through the burgundy-painted eyes
of a confused voice wondering what sociopath
would perpertrate the crime of making this internal Hell.
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Canary word: Present
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139,688 Literary Works • 672,649 Reviews
Ay, Fox. I'm starting with this one because it wrenched more out of me. You get the typical literary analysis.
First off, you deliver reread value with your primary line since it's an easy one to forget among the pantheon of good hooks, but this is okay because reread value. The red is important. The red will bring people back to the poem and add more understanding to it. Stanza one's question marks remain with the importance of the biology class, but that's also inference material. Regardless, it flows well and gives us a brief glimpse into some hostility in a classroom setting that's possibly causing these dreams, and I appreciate that.
Now. The shoot the killer / shoot the killer lines. First, yes. Second, yes. Third, I can see some conflicting interpretations coming from these: since there's no distinguishing factor between the shooter "the killer" and the killer "the killer," it almost can come across that you've dream-warped yourself into the place of the shooter, but I doubt that will be a prevalent takeaway. At least I hope not. Reflect on this because these are two quintessential and powerful lines and need absolute justice.
Stanza two almost has its own prelude, which interests me. It's something I'm guilty of at times, but I'm taken in by the transition and wouldn't personally change it unless you were looking to cut all fat from the piece. My joy here is that a knowing reader will be aware that a second story fall won't kill you on its own, blood loss could, but that the narrator is rather running out the window shot and torn, and will lie on the ground viewing the past transgressions again and again. It's very nuanced of depression, and I had to tell you that in full. You don't go for the heaviness crap or the drowning in a black ocean bits--this is the hell that isn't presented enough.
Well done.
Ty
Hello, TheSilverFox. Steam1244 here to give you a review! I was A little confused in the first stanza. I was confused in one particular area.
"Or aiming and shooting the killer in the head,
And turning and shooting the killer in the head.”
I don't know what you meant by that part of the poem. I was wondering if you meant that while barricading a dorm to your room and friends, that you shot the person that you said shot you? I do not mean to sound picky at all, sorry about that. Yes, I know, that everything will not be perfect,nor will it ever be (for everyone, not just you).
The second stanza, however, made complete sense to me. Nothing needs to be fixed there in my opinion. Then again, everyone has different opinions. So, I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day.
Keep Writing,
Steam1244
Ah, thanks for the review! I'm happy that you liked it and that you thought it was decent/well composed. In the first stanza, the lines ""Or aiming and shooting the killer in the head,/And turning and shooting the killer in the head.%u201D effectively means, in one of the various scenarios separated by commas (so it is distinct from the dorm situation) fighting against the mass shooter and, well, to put it bluntly, committing suicide. There's a reason I call i. water and ii. fire the depression/suicide poems. Anyways, I appreciate your commentary, and thanks for reading!