There is no shortage of roads
stretching across fields of amber grain,
staining with every last inch
to make their escape, even if it means
growing cracks, watching the fading
of their pretty white and yellow stripes,
and being coated in bird droppings,
the partly-eaten bodies of dead rabbits,
and a few thousand cigarettes
thrown out windows by people
too impatient to see the railing in front of them.
Somehow, records are meant to be broken,
but how dare they burn down any bridges
in the process, even if suspensions yank the roads
into the bushes and beat them over the head
with stormclouds and the good intentions
that pave the road all the way to hell.
And I've spent my time rain dancing
in the autumn equinox, so here I am,
pouring asphalt and carving out little blocks
with my atom-sized signature on them, hoping
that, as drenched as I am,
I can paint the land black, long enough
to pass the fields and embrace the mountains,
chalice in one hand and trident in the other,
before my face turns gray and cracked
and I wither against the endless march
of the sun.
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139,688 Literary Works • 672,649 Reviews
Hey, my name is Noelani, and I hope you don't find this review offensive. I really enjoyed your poem and I find it more spiritual than cultural. To tell the truth I don't see that much inaccuracy in your story so I don't really have that much to review about. What I can say is that your writing sound about exactly like a perfessional. I would like to know what your poem means. Simply because it doesn't seem right to try and guess. I also would like to hear more poems from yoi because I like your unique voice. With that said your writing is wonderful. Please continue writing.
The poem's theme is about striving for success in life, while also fighting back obstacles and racing against time/death. In any case, I'm glad that you like everything. I plan on posting more poems in the future (though not all that frequently, since I don't have inspiration that often), so you can look forward to them. Thanks for the review!
Hello there! What a great piece. Very original and an enjoyable read. I do have a few nitpicks though if you would like to bare with me for a dozen or so paragraphs of analysis.
Sorry about that rant, I just have an issue with the word pretty, you can yell back at me if you want haha!
Wow, your rhythm is wonderful, there's a steady beat going on here. The only issue with this is, while you were so caught up in your flow, I think you threw in a few words here and there that could be modified in the slightest to fit more snuggly in your well thought out lines. There's just a few areas where the wording was a bit choppy or the word choice threw things off a bit, in my opinion.
I think that your colorful and unique use of vocabulary and phrases makes this piece pop, but there is a lack of order and consistency. I think your poem is made up of beautiful, rushing creek rapids, but I'd like to slow down the pace a bit and smooth over the waters, if you will.
I feel that some of the areas where you used basic vocabulary was a bit sudden or misplaced, creating more choppy lines. Let's take a look at some specific examples:
We'll begin with the first line:
"There is no shortage of roads" Now, I've always believed in saying less to exude more. Keeping it simple. In this case I think we need a pinch more of pizzazz.
Perhaps something like: "There is no end to these longing roads"
I think this line is too quipped for the opener, because it reduces all the hard work you've done in the first stanza, by starting with a blasé line.
The next few lines are so spot on and lovely to read, plus they flow impeccably.
Then I ran into this fella "of their pretty white and yellow stripes"
I would highly suggest to replace "pretty" with another word. That's always been a pet peeve of mine, because there are endless ways to say pretty. It's such a plain word. You don't even necessarily have to exude the meaning of "pretty," it can be more like 'delicate' or 'gentle.' Suggestions for "pretty" I have in this case are perhaps 'lovely, striking, breathtaking, dainty' anything like that
So you get my point on extending a few word choices to more eloquent places to highlight the lines that pack a punch, rather than deter attention.
I do want to talk about theme without making your eyes fall out with the already obnoxious length of this review.
I appreciate the scatteredness (is that a word?) and kind of chaotic cohesion of this piece, but I feel like you need something to reign all these gorgeous lines in. I understand you bring everything together with the equinox in the last stanza, but up until then I feel the reader may be a little lost. Or perhaps I'm a bit slow...could be either haha!
I think there's a fine line between a build up of ambiguous, descriptive and scattered-in-organized-chaos type of lines, versus a more clarified version of cohesive yet beautiful and somehow sensible chaos. I believe you're teetering this line. So yes, I think if you left most of the lines essentially as is, the reader is going to bring it all together towards the end, but at the same time, after reading your poem several times, I am craving more of a tangible aim and purpose throughout the first two stanzas.
I apologize if any of this review got too ranty or too wordy, but when I feel passionate about something it's like word vomit just spills out of my mouth with no control. Your piece made me feel that passionate and empowered, your words were most definitely striking and left a lasting mark. I believe you simply need a sprinkling more of cohesion
You did an amazing job with this piece, I am so glad to have stumbled upon it! Wonderful job, really. Keep up the superb work!!
Happy writing,
Kali L.
Hey hey hey! It's (definitely not Fat Albert as I am small, white, and female) Storm here for a review this fine Review Day, so let's jump right into it!
I'm pretty sure this is just a typo and you meant straining. If not, you do not know what staining is and you have it mixed up with straining (I highly doubt it's the latter).
I can't say I'm a fan of the way this was worded. I think "watching the pretty white and yellow stripes fade" would be what I would have done, but I don't think the way you wrote it hindered the poem, and I'm probably just being a jerky nit-picker here.
I don't understand how this line fits with people throwing cigarettes out of their car windows. What does the railing have to do with cigarettes?
There is a change in POV at the end of the poem, and I think that the "I" in question is the roads. I feel like there was a reason for that change that I don't quite understand.
I very much enjoyed the description in the first stanza, and the content in the last, but the middle seems to be a placeholder. I don't understand a lot of what happens in the second stanza, and I can't tell if it's the fault of the wording, or just my own idiot brain not comprehending. I'll break it down line by line so you can understand my thought process.
Overall, I enjoyed reading the poem. Imagery is something I can understand, and I really liked that aspect of this piece. My one complaint is that second stanza because I didn't know what you were trying to say. I would love if you would explain to me your intentions in a reply so I wouldn't feel quite so tortured about the true meaning of this poem.
~Storm
I rarely make sense.
In any case, the three stanzas all tackle slightly different topics, so there is a disconnect between them. The first defines the roads (striving for success), the second is a critique of obstacles (societal expectations, competition, grudges), and the third is a personal example. The connections could've been done better, yes. Nevertheless, thanks for pointing out the typos and poor wording - my last-minute editing skills are crap. The railing and cigarette line is just a way to comment on people too self-absorbed to notice their demise hurtling towards them, which can be seen as another way to meet failure. Once again, thanks for the review!
Fox! Vulpine! Ice/Fairy-Type fearmonger of my Braviary! You've written an amazing piece, and I've made some notes on it; I want to go over them and see if we can explore what makes this piece great, and what could possibly be uplifted for more publishing quality. So let's talk about that.
My first note is in regards to breath feel and momentum control--NOT necessarily flow! Your flow is quite nice throughout the piece, but in spots throughout, especially in the primary stanza, there come times when I find myself winded for the lack of hard stops or sentence crest and trough. I believe this could also be described as an issue in dynamics, but the phrasing is still pleasing for the imagery. Regardless, it is worth the test to see if you could dynamicise or fragment some of the phrases here and there. I believe, if nothing else, it would give you a taste of mastering language outside of language's laws.
So while I will admit that your opening line did not exactly pop to me--and I'm not one who demands for things to pop--the second stanza did this, and flung me into strong arms. This stanza has a substance transition. It has a subject transition, and it is blunt but it works like lightning and it is a welcome bluntness because it is true to its nature. At first in my notes I wanted more here, but then, moving forward, I realized how this set up for The Equinox. Let's move on.
The spectator and narrator, he takes control here. This is where there's a masterful twist with fate and a strong statement about clenching onto the world oneself, and simply marching to the place, the thing, the person, the one you want. You endure the bird droppings, cigarettes, bridges, and you take it upon yourself to journey forward because it is your time in life to do this THING that you feel the need, the knife's-edge need to DO. And that resonates so deeply with me.
Wonderful job, Fox. I'd recommend this to anyone.
Ty