Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
I toss my steel heart into a grated fireplace,
to see my soul in the ashes of a weighted fireplace.
My hands feel weak though my arms are steady
as they clasp the edges of the baited fireplace.
I've waited long to see the sliver of a shadow
pass over the smoky view of the abated fireplace.
Why should I stop now if my chest bleeds with ink
while I clasp the edges of the serrated fireplace.
Through time I will wait to see a sliver of silver
perched, leering at me from an unsated fireplace.
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125,041 Literary Works • 672,928 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
I liked the imagery that you used with this poem. It was nice and worked well, but I didn't really like that there wasn't really a bigger amount of figurative language here to mix it up, but that's just my opinion.
I thought that you could have done something with the punctuation instead of it being repetitive for each line. Even adding a comma or semicolon here and there would make it more pleasing than doing nothing at all.
How the poem ties itself together is good, and I felt like the poem was whole and didn't really go off topic or anything because it was more describing this one thing. That being said, some of the imagery in the poem got a little boring to read being this way and I thought you could have done something that wouldn't typically be done with a fireplace, or something of that sort.
My main problem with this poem is that the meaning is a little hazy or isn't really there. You're describing this fireplace, but the whole poem feels cold on the fact that there isn't really too much behind the meaning of the fireplace other than that it made for some good imagery, which I found a little bit disappointing. Overall, I liked this poem, and due to it being a ghazal and more restricted on what you can do, I applaud you for making it interesting to read.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Review time!
Seeing the other stanzas do not have this, perhaps change the first line to
"I toss my steel heart into the open flame,
to see my soul in the ashes of a weighted fireplace."
With that, you get the effect that the rest of the stanzas have.
I enjoyed the wording and descriptions in this, especially the "Sliver of silver"
Keep it up!
ummm, that's actually the style of the ghazal - there is a repetition of the ending word in the first two lines of the first stanza. So the whole poem itself follows a pattern of: AA bA cA dA eA, and so on. But thanks!
Ooh, never thought of it that way!