Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
The hag hunkered down in garbage bags
gives me a frosty look, judging a drunken face
that's had too much to vodka to handle
(because I thought I could use the challenge,
and the Russian system of communism
wasn't cutting any slack at the diplomat's office,
especially in my boss's eyes),
not to mention presently relieving itself
by adding onto St. Paddy's spirit
in a wave of dark green and brown
unappreciated by reveling partygoers
and the oncoming parade.
Now I've swept myself home without a cab
or a crusty driver to swear at me in a Boston accent,
all to be greeted with a lack of children
completing me on a withered, green-ink covered suit
with a spilled open suitcase revealing a collection
no wife would ever appreciate my having.
But I don't have a wife, nor am I my own,
though the landlady is more than ready
to scowl at me, hug the cat,
and march up waterlogged carpet-covered stairs
(the product of a spilled bathtub, a nudist rant,
and the realization that postmodernism
is as uncertain as reality is, as are the artists
who've shot themselves in the head up on the roof
in the name of American commercialism.)
Peace is a word used by individuals
oversweetening green tea and staring out
at crystal clear, blue lakes waving them
in languages they long ago forgot to understand,
but the birds dropping their cargo overhead
determined it to be a spiteful message.
It is not a word for newly jobless citizens
passing out in front of reality show dramas
interspersed with advertisements about the silent majority
and forgotten blue-class workers who wave peacefully,
pridefully in front of American flags, like they forgot
that they actually had jobs, lives,
and the money waved under their noses by producers
is a tad too much not be prideful for.
The human virtue of kindness is unlimited.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This is a very good poem and it has
A lot of good words but to me it is a
Little bit to long ad that might not be
What other people want to read because
They might like the poem but they may
Not like that it is super long and has a
Warning because if a 12 year old like me
Read it they would be just fine because
I am not hurt and I really liked it, and I
Know you are trying to help us not to read
It but I still read it and liked it.
There is one last thing I want to say an that
Is if you are ever wanting to write a new poem
Or story let me know I would love to read it
And write a long but good review about it.
It is a good poem. It's just I can't tell if you are criticizing America, Russia, Kindness, or Humanity or if you're doing any of those. I liked it but you should make it clearer what you're doing just a wee bit. Where is it set? I did read it pretty fast but, I don't think I caught it.
Heyo Fox, I'm here to review your poem.
Okay so this really reminds me of my earlier poetry. It's not bad, but it could use refining.
The thing about this is that it's very "everything is happening all at once" and while this is not necessarily a bad thing, you use a lot of words to make everything happen all at once. It's a lot to take in. It makes me slow waaaaaaay down when I'm reading, and try to keep track of which sentence is which and what word is applying to what--
I'm going to suggest what I call streamlining. Streamlining in poetry is the process of taking out everything unnecessary (like really stripping things down), changing a few words so that everything makes sense (and see if you can take more out by changing words), and then finally adding things back in if they really still don't have the same mood by the time you're done. It's kind of tedious, but it really helps. I'll walk you through a section in your poem.
We'll start with the beginning.
Take out everything that doesn't mess up sentence structure. It would look like this:
Now we change what's there to see if we can take anything else out.
Personally, I don't think we have to add anything back in to preserve the feeling here. We took things away, but the bones of your poem give readers enough of what they need to understand the poem. Do this with your whole poem, and you'll have a more polished and more pleasant to read piece.
Also, watch your tense. Stick with present or past. I noticed some places where you switched.
Altogether, I enjoyed your concept and your enthusiasm for poetry. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing, and happy review day!
At first I was admittedly kind of lost, but boy am I glad I kept reading. The message about society and its imperfections of perceived freedom and communism and free market is so cogent. You beautifully weaved the anecdote about drinking and st. patty's day into a much more universal message and honestly I am very taken by the way you did that. Absolutely gorgeous writing style and that extra flavor of starting specific and then zooming out to be more inclusive of newer things is nothing short of a masterstroke. I would maybe just have a more engaging lead into the poem because I almost stopped reading (my mistake). Ultimately, it is a really great piece! Keep doing what you're doing and I like that such a simply titled poem carries such a truly powerful message.