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127,283 Literary Works • 671,484 Reviews
Finally! -Arianna-!
Reading his chapter through, i feel like I'm in a filler waiting for the author to have a burst of inspiration.
These two sentences, although they go together, don't really flow. I suggest a better alternative.
Regret fills his face, but dissolves into a wince as I bring up my palm into his face.
Now the two ideas of wincing and regretting are smoothly connected.
He already winced earlier, so you'd want something different here.
Alright. Same to what? Her thinking he will be refused? Or were you mixing up in the previous paragraph by saying "you" instead of "i"?
So this means that innkeepers only recognize them...together? Lemme put the plan plainly. She has an inn she trusts that Salian cant go into, and Salian has the same. This make sense now. But you are confusing. But. Why cant they just stay on the ships? And let agents do the work? Why is it all captain business?
I know right now Salian (Salina with the end switched?) has an oversupply of emotional supplies, but why does he have to say "physical supplies"? It makes his conversation...unreal.
Reaaaalllllyy looooong paragraph!
Also not a well thought out plan. If all their "allies" came to their ship, they would learn the secrets of the vessel. These allies could then betray the MC easily. It would make for a better plan to have them meet her at the inn. Makes it more interesting in case of a betrayal, and more importantly it keeps readers alert.
Salian's expression is an interesting one. To betray betrayal is also very interestingzz.
Contrast cold voice, with something else "but" about Salian. Perhaps, "his voice is cold, but his eyes twinkle." Shifting the focus on character with "but" is not good. You could also try: I roll my eyes at the coldness in his voice.
Just try not to use the conjunction "but" between two non contrasting...stuff.
I like the action here but...its not realistic, or even unrealistic. A first mate literally lives on the ship, and a quartermaster has very little time off it. Unless Selena-Fiona is Multiple Woman, i don't see how this is possible.
Character does not compute. This Arianna is so less hotheaded than before. It's like she found some cold hard center.
she's right there. Ask her!
Considering that she is sandwiched between the two captains, it might be good to reinforce this picture, instead of "side to side". Much less interesting this current version is.
Look! Let's detail the plot so we don't have any measure of suspense at all! Then we kill it.
Overall i like the twisting plot stream you have. Your plot's pebbles are not smooth though and they make the ride rough.
Keep lefting!
See? Writer's block. Thanks for the review, Piesie.
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
First thing I notice is your dialogue. While not particularly elegant, it gets the job done, and is fun to read. Bantering is always good in a story, and is, perhaps, the most vital part of it. It allows the reader to have a breath of fresh air in between the lengthy explanations and descriptions, mostly because they can picture the seen according to what is being said, and they are focused far more on the words being spoken, then the scene being enacted.
I find something wrong with this whole idea. Either 1) Arianna's crew is small and she knows each of the men personally, so it wouldn't be "a fourth go here," but rather, "Bob and Joe and Billy Joe Bob go there." Or 2) Arianna's crew is much larger and she doesn't quite know the men personally, in which case she definitely wouldn't say "a fourth go here," because there would be confusion amongst the men. They wouldn't know who is that fourth.
I understand that this is dialogue, bit this second sentence, the one where Arianna gives a lame excuse, doesn't fit. She seems like a self willed, smart girl, so she wouldn't be saying something like that, which is obviously stupid. But perhaps you want her to appear that way, in a small way?
Throwing in a bit of realistic human tendencies is what turns a character, into a lovable character. Arianna is impulsive and a bit hot headed, whereas this Tristan seems to be a little more down to earth and rational. Always a fun combination.
This was definitely a fun read. I can't say it sparked all of my interests, mostly because I've read so many teen fantasies, and there are so many out there. But still, I felt it flowed well, and was well written.
Thank you Aurora99!
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
First off, I do believe you meant to call this Chapter 13 instead of Chapter 14
Ugh, why do I love Salian so much?! Seriously, he's such a smooth guy and he totally wants Ari still. I guess I just love watching their relationship figure itself out.
Honestly, there isn't much I have to say about this chapter. We get a good look at what's coming up next and what Salian and Ari are planning. This seems like a filler chapter to me. Okay, maybe I should've used a different term than 'filler'. That sounds bad. This chapter is placed well I think. Up until this point it's been high octane and action filled. There's gotta be a break from that eventually. And that's what this chapter is. It's always nice to have that break from everything that's going on.
I do have to say though, the scene Selena/Fiona is a bit...anticlimactic? I mean, I know it's supposed to be a big thing that she's double crossing both of them, but shouldn't it be something bigger than just finding out who she is and leaving her there? Shouldn't one of them at least tie her up and start questioning her? Just something to think about.
Overall another good chapter you have here. It's a good segue into the next chapter. Here we get a look at what they're plans are and we'll get to see soon if those plans work. I do find it hilarious that Ari and Salian have to stay at different inns. They really, truly have a complicated relationship there. Are they enemies or not? I really can't figure it out.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**