Prologue
“There.” All 2000 dimensions had been created in the past two weeks. Weeks. Time. It was such an odd idea.
Mehnkal, the Goddess of Good, looked at her sister Naith, the Goddess of Evil. “This world is beautiful.” She glanced around. “The fae are the most beautiful. Theirs is a... wicked beauty. Only the vampires can equal them. The weakest of our creations are the humans. They can barely smell, barely see. They are not able to phase from dimension to dimension.”
Naith’s voice cut through the air like crystal. “My favorites are the gorgons and the elves. But the humans possess a beauty of their own, sister. Look at them.”
Mehnkal smiled. “Perhaps we should create a dimension for our favorites, then.” Both sisters joined hands, and the air seemed to split. After a moment, they opened their eyes and let their hands fall.
Naith touched a blade of grass and spoke. “What shall we call it?”
Mehnkal thought. “Kerea. Let us name this dimension for our dead cousin. She gave her life for these worlds. In her honor, this dimension will be called Kerea.”
Naith wrinkled her nose. “I never liked Rea. She was always too heroic for me.”
Mehnkal’s golden laugh cut through the air. “That’s just because you’re evil.” She smiled lovingly at her sister.
Naith bit her lip. “Sister. There has never been a true definition of evil, but now there is. On this realm, sister, I feel to be evil, not just embody it. I do not think I will be able to bear this burden.” Naith pressed a hand to her chest. Mehnkal looked concernedly at her sister.
“Perhaps a transference spell. Of your godly powers. When you find one worthy to take your rank, you can perform a ritual. Your power will be transferred to the subject. And then, the next deity will be able to perform the same ritual!” Mehnkal paced anxiously. “But we must have a limit. The sorcery will not work otherwise.”
Naith rubbed her head. “Seven. Seven transferences. Seven is a good number. There are 700 gods, 7 days of the week, 7 prophecies every eon, and-” Her voice cut off, and her eyes rolled back as she uttered the first prophecy that the world had heard.
A faery shall be the last
Fire will vanish, evil will reign
Blood of life and love will heal a curse.
Not yet upon her seventeenth year,
Princes from the worlds will fall at her feet
A choice shall be made, by the one who loves her most.
She, with,
Skin as white as snow
Lips as red as blood
Hair as dark as night
Eyes as blue as ice
And her name…
End of chapter
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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hey there. First I wanted to say cool concept, Playing around with Gods and Deities isn't easy, but you managed to give it a nice flair while still maintaining the fantastical elements of it. I really liked the relationship between the two of them. However, I feel like you could really develop and explore their relationship, if you want too, in a way that could really flesh out your story. Their opposites, good and evil, though they clearly love and care about each other. When I like this and find it intriguing, I would advise still looking for conflict. Every scene you write should have a present conflict of some sort. They can still have them be close, but there needs to be some sort of conflict of interest. Explore how their opposing viewpoints and objectives can get them entangled.
Once again, I'd love to see a potentially complex relationship going on here. She can look at her lovingly, but what else? And, I'd love to know what a loving face looks like on this goddess, is it different than a human? What could it reveal about her character.Also, I'd really love to know what they look like. Goddesses could have some really interesting descriptions that could really flesh out your world. Also, you could give us some pretty fun descriptions about what they're seeing and hearing as they look at thier beloved races. I'd like to know why they've picked their favorite races, and why Evil Goddess thinks there's some beauty in humanity.
There were few phrases I'd like to pinpoint as places where you could strength the writing a little bit.
Again, it be pretty cool if you could describe what Concern looks like on her face and in her body.
Sometimes it's nice to cut down on world's for example: She uttered the World's first prophecy gets to the point a lot faster which helps with pacing.
Wow. Such a fun ending, and great prophecy! I've always been scared of writing prophecy's
So your next chapter's all say ignore, what's up with that?
Haha. I'm in the process of rewriting and deleted everything because
.
I don't want to have a million copies of a chapter- at least not on here.
Your review was really helpful, thank you! New chapters will be up soon
I understand that, let me know when the new and improved chapters are up!
Hi Aurora! Lucrezia here to review.
Let me start by saying I LOVE this idea. Nymphs, dryads, fairies, vampires . . . how can you go wrong? And this is a great start. The characters are charming and lovable already. The dialogue is good, your MC's rebellious streak is relatable and realistic. I'm just so impressed by this. ^_^
I do have to say, one thing that could make this even stronger would be more paragraph breaks. Some sections were basically just big blocks of text, which made it a little hard to read, and aesthetically unpleasing.
There were a few small nitpicks I spotted as well.
"How much he's glad" doesn't sound right. Perhaps change it to, "how glad he is"?
There should be a space after "smile" and before "Ellen."
You left out the space after "am" and before "uncomfortable."
"Its" should be "it's," with an apostrophe.
There doesn't really need to be a comma after "frizzy."
"So" is repetitive here.
Too many dashes. I'd change some of them to periods, commas, or other forms of punctuation. Also, you wrote "and I will not allow this country to go to waste any longer." I'd change the "and" to "but."
"Ruler" doesn't sound quite right. Maybe change it to, "she's a horrible queen"?
This felt kind of rushed and not nearly as dramatic as it should. Here's an example of how you could change it:
'Suddenly, I feel something against my throat. I catch sight of the glinting thing and realize . . .
It's a knife.
A hand drags me back while the other continues holding the object against my neck. I feel my heart pound insistently in my chest, but I don't dare turn or move a muscle. Instead, I start concentrating all my energy on some way to escape.'
Or something like that.
The spacing and dot-dot-dots give it more of an impact, and also stretching it out gives the reader time to digest what's going on and the severity of it.
WOW. You use the word "up" four times here! That's mega-repetitive. Luckily repetitiveness isn't a huge deal. Just go back and edit this a bit, and you're good.
"Do" doesn't need to be written in all caps.
Beyond that, this seems like a great story so far. I love your descriptions. They paint a clear image in the reader's head, and that's not an easy thing to achieve. Also, Nikolai being the assassin?? So wasn't expecting that! You might want to work on his and the MC's dialogue after she saves/almost kills him, though. But still . . . great twist!
I can't wait for the next chapter. Keep up the good work!
Present tense is tricky to pull off but you seem to be managing fine. I would be wary of repetitions thought, both in words and meanings. The style and voice are good too. I would cut out or shorten some sentences though. That is mostly because of the repetitions in actions and meanings but some edges need to be smoothed too. What I would suggest is read it out loud and fix whenever it doesn’t flow as well as the rest.
“to my best friend, Ceressa, High Lady of Archaea,” this narrowly falls into the show don’t tell category. While it is good to tell the audience things, sometimes you should imply or show them instead. For example this information should be well known to the character so it doesn’t make as much sense in her narrating it unless she is directly speaking to someone, like in the dialogue to the maid. Now there saying she’s the high lady makes sense. Introducing it earlier though seems a bit awkward since it’s kind of out of context. I would just say: there was enough time to send a message to Ceressa or something.
Also it might be wise to separate the chapters in different postings.
Else you seem to have a stable beginning. Keep writing.