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12+ Violence

Darkman's Hour: Prologue

by TheCrimsonLady


My hair whips around me in the breeze, and I smell the acrid scent of smoke in the air.

My eyes sting, and my breath comes in gasps. What have I been doing? I turn, looking for something- anything- and then I notice the house in the distance. The burning house. I look down and I see his body. A stream of dark liquid runs from his nose onto his lips, then his chin and his neck.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

A crashing roar echoes in the distance, and I see the house collapse in on itself. The boy at my feet curls into the fetal position. His eyes shoot open, and I gasp with shock. They're blue, ice blue, so pale they could be white in the dark. A dark purple bruise covers his pale cheekbone, and his forehead has a gash on it, ending dangerously close to his eye. His lips form a word, and I furrow my brow as I try to understand. He repeats the motion.

Knife.

He's asking me for his knife.

I get down on my knees and search, the sharp rocks beneath my knees cutting into my skin. I find it, a glint of silver on the dark ground. I hand it to him and step back, wondering what he will do.

I scream as he plunges it into his chest, but no sound comes out. His eyes are full of hurt, of anger, of hate. Towards me.

What did I ever do?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014, 3:22 AM, London

I wake up with a gasp, shaking. "Xavier?" I reach for his hand in the dark, and he pulls me into his chest.

His voice is husky from sleeping, as he says, "Shh. It's alright, Anne, I'm here, I'm alive." He rocks me back and forth as he would a baby until I stop shaking so badly. "Water?" He reaches over to the nightstand next to my bed and offers me a glass of water.

I take it- I'm so thirsty, like I hadn't had water for years. An involuntary shudder racks my body, and the water sloshes over the side of the glass, on to my hand. Xave sits up and takes the glass from me, putting it back. I hear a button click, and my lamp blinks on, filling my massive room with a dull golden light. I wipe the cold sweat from my face and lean my head against his shoulder. A cool arm wraps around me, and I press into him, stifling a sob.

"I can't go back to sleep." My voice is hoarse, like I've been screaming for hours on end. I haven't, though- my dreams make my voice like that. A ray of moonlight falls through the open curtain and illuminates half of Xavier's face.

"Yes, you can. I'll stay awake. If you start whimpering, I'll wake you, alright?"

I can't go back to sleep. Sleep meant pain, screaming, nightmares, but I nod, letting myself dissolve into my best friend's embrace. Xavier kept the dreams away.

The thought echoes through my head as I fall asleep easily, safe, next to Xave. I'd always be safe next to him.


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Sun Oct 19, 2014 11:39 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Aurora!
You asked for this so long ago, and I'm so sorry that I didn't get it to you sooner.

Alright, you set the mood fantastically in the dream. That was probably what I admire most about this because that can be rather hard to do.

That being said, the nightmare, wake up screaming, have loved one hold you is a pretty tired series of events in stories. Basically starting with waking up from a nightmare, prologue or not, is not the best way to start something off. Your reader discredits everything you just wrote and for good reason. It normally doesn't give any insight to the character. It's basically a cheat code for an exciting beginning.

Also, why is she given water when a) she doesn't drink it and b) it adds nothing to the description, character building, or plot of the prologue.

Okay, now, this is just the prologue, so I don't really know these characters, but Xave is verging on eyeroll territory already. Be careful as you continue not to make him perfect. Perfect boys in books is not hot ;)

All of that said, this prologue did create tension which is important for the beginning of anything, so it is successful in its job.

I'm going over to chapter one because I've been so terrible about reviewing.
Megs~




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Sun Sep 28, 2014 4:42 pm
unpublishedperson wrote a review...



This was a intriguing opening, very brief but with a lot of subtext and information. This seemed like the type of prologue that has a lot of clue that will be relevant later on in the story, so I am interested to see how they will all be important. That said, I feel that a little more information in your first scene would not hurt. It is good to not give away too much information and to leave things a little ambiguous, but I did have a little bit of trouble following what was going on. Not that you should add any more information if you plan to add it later, but maybe you should work on rephrasing things a little bit? Regardless, it was effective in that it caught my interest.

Also, it will be interesting to see whats up with your protagonist and Xavier. It looks like they have a very complicated relationship...




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Sun Sep 28, 2014 2:53 am
Soulkana wrote a review...



Hi Auro!

So my first question is: Why is Xavier called Zave?" I just got really confused about it but besides that I find myself really wanting to know more about this story. I have so many questions! Who was the boy in the dream and what happened in it? Why was the house on fire? I'm sure they'll be answered eventually. Was the boy, Xavier? I just can't help but wonder what was going on!

I didn't notice anything wrong with the grammar or the spelling so nice job there! I am very interested in the plot and I find the story flows really well. I really am confused though. What does your character look like? Who is she and what's her relationship with the other, Xavier? Does she have any hobbies? I love your descriptions and I will most definitely be watching out for the next chapter!

Sincerely,
Soulkana






Soul, it's actually quite a common nickname for Xavier. Because it's pronounced more or les eck-zave-ee-er....
And thank you!



Soulkana says...


Haha, I see. And your welcome. You've peaked my interest very much with this!



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Thu Sep 25, 2014 12:19 am
JumpyDot wrote a review...








Thank you for the review! This is actually a prologue that gives you badly-needed insight into the mental state of my MC. Also, I note that the guy is her best friend quite clearly in the last paragraph :) Chapter is going to be posted tonight.



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Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:18 pm
Hassanfs wrote a review...



Hello!

This was a good read. There did seem to be a few typos.

"I scream as he plunges it into his chest, but not sound comes out."

Shouldn't it be "no'' ?

I loved the way you created the atmosphere.
:)

There was another typo in the next part.

"A hear a button click, and my lamp blinks on, filling my massive room with a dull golden light."

I hear??

I really liked the first part. The one is Italics, but the next one needs some work.
:)

Hassan






Thank you!



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Wed Sep 24, 2014 1:47 am
TigersMoon wrote a review...



Very good prologue, save for the fact it doesn't have a hook. Nothing urges readers onward into the book. There's questions, but ones I wouldn't care if I didn't know the answer to.

Story wise, great. We get a nightmare and a relationship with another character. You do a good job explaining Anne's feelings about Xavier.

The Drip Drip Drip needs to be one paragraph. You have it in poem form.

I really couldn't find more bad things about this, just the missing hook. There is little here so I can't make a long review, but what little there is, is wonderful.
Sorry if this review is strange or off ion anyway, I'm tired.

-M.P. Tigers






I did the dripping on purpose ;)
And thank you for commenting!
I'll work on the hook.




Gravity was a mistake.
— Till Nowak