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Hello Aurora99,

This is Magenta her to do a quick review for you as I saw it had only one review and by an opponent on the other team. I firstly would like to say that this was well-written and I could really see the effort that you put in this. Great job on that!

"My thoughts rush around my mind faster and faster until I can’t think. "

I am not sure if "rush around" is a good phrase to use in this sentence. I would say, "My thoughts have cluttered my mind in a dense fog. I can't think. I have to get out of here, but I can't." Something like that, okay?

Anyway, I thought that the beginning was great. Many people struggle with starting their stories or put too much description in it that it distorts the meaning and sounds entirely forced.

"She talks rapidly to the younger daughter of Lady Reese Yearly."

I wouldn't say "talks rapidly". It just doesn't sound too good. You might want to use quickly or briskly. I recommend quickly, though.

In the middle of the short story is a lot of dialogue. I feel like it is line after line. Maybe add some action while they speak. It just seems plainer there. I hope that didn't sound too harsh.

"HIs distinctly elvish features morph into what I can only call disgust for a second, but then it disappears." Just make sure that you make the "i" in "his" a lowercase letter. As well as here...

"MIles older and illegitimate brother, tried to kill me by putting vampire venom in my system."

Other than those few things, great job and great story.

~ Magenta

Hello there Aurora99! Pompadour here for a quick review!

OK, so first off, I found the beginning of this chapter rather intriguing. And, I must admit, that is one of the reasons I read through this piece. I'll go over the technicalities first and then head on towards what I think of the plot, though. So let's get cracking!

First off, there's this bit:

I nearly run the length of the corridor, anxious to get back to my room before I collapse. Five years.

I think "practically" would be more suitable here instead of "nearly."

Also:

She talks rapidly to the younger daughter of Lady Reese Yearly.

This should be:

She is talking rapidly to the younger daughter of Lady Reese Yearly.

I would also suggest you divide your first paragraph, because its too much to take in in just one go. Also, it's too fast-paced and ... like a block I guess, being thrown at your head. You could divide it to something like this:

I nearly run the length of the corridor, anxious to get back to my room before I collapse.
Five years.
That’s all it would take to get my family and I thrown out onto the streets. I wander without knowing where I am actually going and pause when I spot Sarah through a window.
She talks rapidly to the younger daughter of Lady Reese Yearly. She meets my eye when she senses me looking at her and sends a small wave my direction. I send her a small smile in return and force my legs to carry me away.
Five years. Sarah would be eighteen. I would be twenty-one.