The Pirate Queen: Chapter 2

There is less dialogue and more description than in the first chapter, which a good point to me. You also really show how cruel and ruthless their father can be.
But I've a problem with the way the characters reacts. I can quite understand than Nick is under some blackmail, but Arianna don't really look like a Pirate Queen to me. I can understand that she has an history with her father that make her more vulnerable to him, but I can imagine such a character able to become Queen of some pirates, to me there's like a kind of contradiction in this.

Hi there! Noelle back again for another Review Day review!

So there's really only one thing I have to say negative about this chapter. I feel like Ari and Nick are too formal. You know what I mean? They're siblings. I feel like they are speaking too formally. I can understand if they talked that way when they were around other people, but when they're alone I feel like they might speak a lot more socially.

Alright, I guess there's another thing too. Why haven't the two of them stood up against their father? From what I've read, he doesn't seem to be all that terrifying. All they have to do is say that they won't "report for punishment". I mean, he leaves them in the room and tells them to come see him. Couldn't they just refuse to go? You haven't given us really any reason that they wouldn't be able to disobey. In future chapters (which are already written apparently but you can always keep this in mind when editing) I suggest sharing with us why they can't disobey. Just saying that they can't isn't good enough for me. Show me. Tell me that story of the time that they disobeyed and their father dragged them down the hall or brought the punishment to them.

Alrighty then, onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hello!

I'm not too sure about this chapter. Let's break it down.

The punishment Father gave Nick was cruel, ruthless. I figured as much, coming from a man like himself. You described that nicely, with the pain and angst Arianna felt, seeing her brother be tortured. I liked when she begged him to let her take his place, as that shows me how brave she is. It also shows me the strength between the two siblings and their relationship.

But then Father just leaves? After he went through so much trouble to punish them? That's odd, how he just leaves, not even bothering to make sure Arianna leaves. Maybe that shows how cocky he is, how sure of himself that Arianna will leave and never come back.

I don't think you accurately described the aftermath of the beatings. Forty+ lashes, with a burning sword? That's bound to have them near unconscious, bleeding and dizzy on their feet. You had them stagger to her bedroom and then they cleaned each other up. Okay. But the pain disappears after that? Even with the gorgon blood inside of them (which came out of nowhere btw), it would still hurt, and especially if they were laying on her back. And Arianna was certainly not healed enough to just leave, but I suppose she had to.

But another thing that bugs me - she just leaves Nick behind?! Won't take him with her? She's got a crew of pirates, for God's sake! Fight their father, kill him, do something, but get Nick the hell out of there. That's the worst form of punishment.

Overall, I think this has a lot of potential, but it could also use some work. I find it hard to see Arianna as a strong and ruthless pirate queen if she simply allows herself to walk into her father's office and let him beat her and her brother near death, and then just leave him there. I feel that a true pirate queen would kill her father and take her brother far away, so he's always safe.

But this is good so far, nonetheless. You put a lot of emotion and imagery into this, so the story is easy to picture and easy to connect with. You've got us wincing through the beatings and longing to save the siblings and waiting with bated breath to see if Arianna goes back to save Nick and get revenge on her father. I'm also looking forward to seeing why he hates her, so off to read chapter three I go.

Hey Aurora, back for saging! I have very little advice to give that I haven’t already given for part one. Let’s just go with the positive things this time!

I really like where this is going. I like the bond between the siblings which is caused by the abuse of the father.

Your dialogue is interesting but lacking in force. The concepts being spoken of is very interesting, but the word choices are less than what you needed to convey the emotions. Don’t dwell on that though.

There are quite a few places where you have missing letters. I didn’t go over this the last review, so I’ll do it today. Pass your draft through a spellchecker or a grammar checker. Most of the annoying mistakes come from not doing that.

Thus ends my review, I hope you keep writing!!!

Hey! IamTraunt here!

Before I talk about Dialogue and Characters, here are some adjustments you need to make:

"What, you thought just because you left I’d stop punishing NIck? Don’t be so foolish, Arianna.”

After locking me in, he proceeds to draw his word and stick it in the roaring fire.

So you want to be punished in his stead, Arianna?

My vice does not waver. Finally.

The word is a sob, and he presses me close to him while I sob out nine years’ worth of sorrow and pain."