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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hey Aurora! Black here for a few pieces of review input.
So! Though I AM starting this story a bit far along, I can tell that you have a plot going. I can feel I'm in the dark in some things (which is good, shows you've spread things out a bit), but I still feel the suspense of the situation with the prince capturing (?) the supposed other kingdoms princess (when I get the impression he has a soft spot for her).
You make good use of emotions, and your sentences are well formed.
However, though I do like a number of things about this piece, I still have some small suggestions which (I hope) will help you in editing this piece, and writing ahead.
Although your sentences are correctly structured, and you use good wording, your paragraphs have a few small things to be asked for (all writers have to get over the problem of paragraph structuring at one time or other -I'm still working on it, really). When I started writing at 12 years old, I kept having a huge problem, brought on by my wish to hurry the story along and get a big word count. I kept trying to kill the details out of scenes and trying to speed things up.
That ended up in a mess, because I was making my story an overview (A really broad summary, skipping the important details which really make the story REAL to your reader)! That was horrible, and I've spent years trying to learn exactly how to put the details in right (when I put too much in, readers are bored, when I put too little in, their minds can't really SEE what I want to show them).
Think about when you're reading a book. Do you feel that rush when the main characters are in a tight situation, do you feel the sadness when someone they care about is hurt, do you feel like you ARE the characters? Well, you're not alone in that feeling because all readers want that feeling. That's why we read novels and play virtual reality games! We're sick of our lives and wanna be someone else for a bit. The job of the writer is to give the reader that 'emotional experience', that feeling of being 'elsewhere'. But to do that we writers must put the details in correctly, and make it feel like the readers are actually there (as the characters).
So, understanding that we all have had this problem at one time or other, lets look at where you've made some paragraph structure and details mistakes and I'll try to share my small experience to give you some ideas (maybe) to improve your story. Here goes.
All right. I'm going to assume, from your particular style of writing, that you're a girl (feel free to punch me if I'm wrong). If you're a girl then I wanna let you in on a well known guy thing: We love fight scenes in books. If you try to skip over them to quickly we tend to . . . fall asleep (even if you've kept us up till 3 in the morning on everything else). Now, when I started writing I did the opposite of what this paragraph does. I put too much attention to the fight scenes and too little attention to the real character building scenes.
Now, mind you, your reader is in the main characters mind, they see what she sees. You have to really make it real. Someone has jumped down to face them -not instantly attacking,so there's always the pause; and that's what you notice first. In that moment the main characters going to be taking in pieces of information. What are these people wearing, what weapons do they have, how big are they? Does she try to reason with them? Does she try to placate them, or instantly whip out a knife? These say a lot about her character.
When the fight starts the enemy isn't just going to attack the three of them; they're going to flank them, stab at them with spears/ swords. Is it obvious they're trying to capture them or kill them? If you stick in a couple of the moves that are used, the fear or anger that the main character feels, the violence, and the tension: you'll really get your readers attention for that moment.
An important add on for this: If Aurora analyzes the situation, then what does she see? What's she looking for? If you put lines like this in, then try to fill them out
All right. If you can try to apply these basic rules to all of your story, I really think it would help you. Try to show what your character is feeling, what she sees, and how she understands it. Just put in details. Details that you would find interesting if you were reading it. Don't feel depressed if it looks complicated, it isn't! After a while you just do it automatically; because you want to. Just try to be conscious about it for a few weeks?
That done with, I want you to remember that while my suggestions do have experience backing them, they require a bit of open mindedness. I may be wrong. You're doing quite well showing what emotions and details you do show! Keep it up!
Something I feel like mentioning is the fact that you switched PoV Character in the middle of the chapter. Look: you can switch point of view, but generally only in third person, very rarely in first person, and virtually never in the middle of a chapter. Personally I advise you to use only one point of view character for first person, and in your case I would suggest using Aurora (because you write her better, using more emotions). My reason for this? Readers sometimes can get confused with first person PoV switching because they can't keep track of who is who when you use 'I' for everyone.
Keep an open mind though, I am sure you can make it work like this.
As a final add on for this review, try to keep an eye on who your characters are and why they are what they are. Daniel is a prince and an assassin of some type? That's a very odd combination (though the odd combinations make the best characters). Keep your eyes on what they are, and who they are. Otherwise you might make him a bit . . . unrealistic. I know I do it all the time. You could try making a character book for your characters, just jotting down the little details about them so you can keep track of them.
Anyway: Please get back to me on this review, I'm sure you have some thoughts on it and I'd really appreciate it if you could let me know them so I can work through them with you for our mutual advantage. Good luck!
~Black~
Also, if you want some more reviews, just let me know (okay?).
Hey there! Whatsup. Here I am with a review for you in this magnificent March review day!
Before we get up to our cruising altitude here (plane metaphor lol :3) id just like to apologize before hand for any mistakes or typos I will undoubtedly make here, as I'm reviewing from my iPhone rather than my laptop today.
Happy review say and always keep writing! 
*lifts off of runway* *straightens up*
First of all, you did a pretty good job with this chapter overall. It was interesting, I wa never bored, and you kept the reader very involved in the story throughout the chapter's entirety. Sometimes with action adventure novels, just like in action adventure movies and television shows, some parts start to become filler without really adding much to the plot or the general themes. I haven't read the rest of this novel, but even so, I felt like this contributed nicely to moving the strict forwards while still keeping it interesting for any new followers coming in. Your narrative style it's very nicely with the events and the reactions that go on here and there was never a time when I felt like taking a break from reading this. I couldn't look away! Often one of the most difficult feats in writing a fantasy novel is trying to immerse the reader within your world and you've been able to do that very nicely here. Well done!
It seems that all if the grammar/spelling nitpicks have already been addressed, so I'll just leave you with this parting shot: give yourself three big pats on the back for tho awesome job!
On account of review day, I've neglected to read your previous chapters. Should I address anything that may be accounted for in previous chapters, feel free to disregard such address. :3
Liked this.Liked this.
Here are some corrections/suggestions:
Nice starting sentence; simple, sweet, and jumping right into the action. However, 'run' and 'gave' are two different tenses. Choose a tense and stick with it.
Suggest changing the first 'and' to 'then'.
Since you seem to be using present tense, change 'those' to 'these'.
I get that this is first person, but you literally had 99% of this section of sentences start with 'I'. Deviate it a little.
You used the en dash here, which is used for combining two words to make a compound one. You need to use the em dash, which is used for interruption. Also, don't use a space. Liked the slang of 'd'you', by the way.
I think you mean 'an' instead of 'and'.
No spaces with dashes.
Again, lots of 'I's. You can definitely reword these sentences to remove them.
Again, employ the em dash. Also, there should be a comma after the dash.
And I'm going to stop right here. Hope this was helpful. ^_^ Happy Review Day!