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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
First off, I agree with Lumi. The first paragraph is quite long. Now, I know that you know how to break up paragraphs because I've been reading your stuff for so long. So make sure you break up that paragraph when you go back and edit. Make sure new dialogue makes for a new paragraph and new information makes a new paragraph as well.
I find this piece of dialogue a bit unrealistic. It doesn't sound like anything that would be said in everyday conversation. I know that you want to get this information across without telling, but I feel like there's another way that you can get this information across.
Just a general comment here: there is a lot of different perspectives that this story is being told by. It's quite easy to follow since you mention who it is at the beginning of each chapter. But I'm really looking forward to seeing how each of these character's stories fit together in the big picture of the story.
Alright, that's all I've got for you now. I am truly enjoying reading your story. There's always something new in each of the chapters and it's always something I didn't see coming. Like I've just mentioned, I'm looking forward to seeing how the story all fits together.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
This is what happens when you write at three am.
xD I understand
Hey, Aurora. Let's jam.
First off, break up that first paragraph. In YWS formatting, it's a monster of a pill to swallow. Beyond breaking it up, break it up more. Use the dialogue in the first half as a guideline, then break up by location in the second half. It just covers way too much for one hulking paragraph.
With the Queen, I don't think there's any reason to give any pretense of her acting nicely in front of her daughter. I mean...is anyone watching? If not, there's no reason for a bitter woman to try and smile warmly. If she's avaricious, let it show in front of the princess. After all, she would be the one to know, right?
As far as "My mother's sharp glare pierces my eyes," if something is not literally stabbing the princess in the eyes, I don't want to see that description. It's too hyperbolic for something as simple as a glare. There's a certain point at which grand descriptions hit diminishing returns, and I can assure you that point is before this.
By all counts, the Queen is right. You need money, Aurora.
Another paragraph to break up in "I feel...at that."
Furthermore, in a contemporary scope, five to seven years worth of cash is nothing to fret over as long as there's time to do something counteractive. Killing the Queen, maybe.
My main point of advice in this chapter would be to flavor your dialogue. Everything is bland and could really benefit from some character evaluation. Most often, an author will have a good grasp on their characters by Chapter Seventeen.
Let me know if you have questions.
Ty
Thanks for the review! Happy review day
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