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The Pirate Queen: Chapter 6

by TheCrimsonLady

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933 Reviews

Points: 4311
Reviews: 933

Sat May 31, 2014 11:37 pm
Iggy wrote a review...

I've been gone for far too long. o__o I see I have a lot of catching up to do! xD

After I spending two hours in a cubby hole

Cut the indicated.

I suppose I can't pretend to understand Ariana's motives. She sneaks on the ship, hides from the crew, then decides to approach one of them? How does this guard not recognize her? What's more is: is she getting desperate? Rather than sneak around the brig and look for him, she comes up to the prison guard and pretends to be a stowaway mortal that can only eat fae food.

About the fae thing -- what significance does that have? I'm sure that the guard would've noticed if one of the crew members was on a special diet. If he could only eat fae food, then there's no way the crew couldn't know about that. I feel like that has a big plot hole in there, so I suggest you try to fill it up.

I'm curious to see how this is gonna go. I'm surprised the pirate didn't demand payment up front or, at the very least, a fixed pay; as in, he demands to know how much Ariana's gonna give him.

Off to read the next chapter.


The fae thing is Arianna's randomly made-up story to get past the pirate's guard. I didn't include the payment because I didn't feel it was needed, but I guess it makes more sense to me.

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1417 Reviews

Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Sun May 25, 2014 12:40 am
Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

How do you only have one review on this chapter? *shakes head* People are lame.

I had to go back and reread the last chapter 'cause I read it so long ago -_- But I refreshed my memory so I could give a good review of this chapter.

I would've really liked to see more description in this chapter. What exactly does the ship look like? How cramped is the cubby hole that she's been spending all this time in? Details, details, details. I had a general idea in my mind of what the ship looked like, but I'd like to know specifics. How does it differ from her ship? And how much is she freaking out that she is stuck in this ship? Just some general stuff that I want to know more about.

Pies seems to have pointed out all of the typos you've made so I'm going to stick with the characters and plot. Not that I usually review for grammar and spelling but whatever. I think you're doing a good job keeping up the development of your MC (I'm embarrassed to say that I forget her name. I know it's not Liv...). I like how we get to see her knowledge of pirates and the way ships work by talking to the man on guard. He says he's in good favor with the captain, but he's really not and she can tell since he's not following the captain around. It's just a simple comment, but it's so important in the development of your MC.

Alrighty then, I'm onto the next chapter!

Keep writing!

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133 Reviews

Points: 2296
Reviews: 133

Sat May 03, 2014 11:29 am
PiesAreSquared wrote a review...

Hey Aurora! I’m here for your review! Finally~! I have one thing I want to poke you on before we move into the more meaty parts of the review. At least, the parts i like better, but let’s not ramble anymore. Also I don’t have much to pick this week! YAY!

You have a hundred and sixty eight hours to write! Edit, edit, edit. I know we tire of editing sometimes, but hey, these things help us improve! Now on to the nitpicks.

After I spending two hours in a cubby hole, I want to shoot myself- or the crew-, but I settle for stealing their liquor every time they left the room.

Here is a tip for you. Read aloud everything before you post. Just once. Read it out aloud and tell me what's wrong with this sentence.
Second thing. If she stole their liquor, then how can she do it every time? They must be pretty restless to leave the room often enough in two hours for her to get drunk. And what kind of a pirate gets impatient?
I catch myself nodding off a few times and shake myself awake. Being slightly drunk, I decide not to wander around the ship but instead amuse myself by counting the specks of dust in the air.

That must be a real dusty room in order for you to count specks. Or is this a manifestation of her drunkenness?
Taking the rotten and moldy stairs two at I time, I approach the brig, making sure that I don't creak. I pause on the last step because I know that there will be a guard, but take a deep breath and slip in. The pirate on duty leaps up, sword drawn. I throw back my cowl and burst into great, heaving sobs.

Multiple typos. Also a brig is a double square-rigged masted ship. I think she’s already on the brig. I think you mean bridge.
The rest of your story is mostly dialogue, and pretty awesome dialogue at that. I can’t pick grammar there because I really don’t know if it’s the accent or not!

Keep Writing!

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy