The Pirate Queen: Chapter 5

Hi there! I'm bbaaccckkk! xD

I look at the swaggering walk that Salian uses when he knows that he has won. But over what?

The part that I underlined is confusing to me. I think you meant something along the lines of: "But what did he actually win?"

Also, I have one more thing to say about this opening of this chapter. I like how you describe Salian's walk. It really gives him a sense of pride and confidence. That's how you want your villain to be. I once read somewhere that your hero must have a fatal flaw, but your villain can be completely evil. So if you want to make a believable and terrifying villain, you'll need to have him come across as such. You've done a great job starting off with that and I can't wait to see how you build upon that in this chapter and the following chapters.

Wow, what an intense chapter. I don't think I can say enough how awesome I find your villain. Usually I'm one to focus on the hero of the story, because they're good, but I can't help but love your villain. He's just one step ahead of Ari. I feel bad for her because she's stuck now on his ship, but at the same time I'm impressed with Salian's plan. He goes to all this effort to spread a rumor just to get Ari to go after him. Now I'm curious as to see what he's going to do with her.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hey Aurora! Hopefully I can finish this review before the end of review day. I generally take a minimum of three hours on these types of review.

Even though this piece is clearly rushed, I think its a lot better than the previous.

A flash of anger runs through me and I lose control for a second. "Why are you PARROTING ME?!"

I may have lost a paragraph break to bring the story offline. Be sure to break the paragraph here. I find that capitalizing a shout is unprofessional. There are many ways you can get across a shout without using all caps. That is so, underwhelming and hurts my eyes.

Each word that I utter makes me want to curl up and die, but I keep the façade of a ruthless pirate up.

Mix around the order of thought here. Try:

Each word I utter makes me appear like a ruthless pirate, when all I wanted to do was to curl up and die.


This sounds better.

I spin around, my hair slapping his face. "Shut up and get out, Tristan."

Studies have shown that directly after lovemaking, a hormone is spiked which encourages separation. It's true.

I glare at the sea and take a look at the compass. "North."

Two things come to mind. The first is that captains really don't leave the bridge without there being someone else on it with a compass. You know the movies pirates of the Caribbean where sparrow has his own magic compass? Yeah he carries that because it's a magic compass. A normal compass still has to be on the bridge.

The other thing i noticed is that you need to switch things up. North? Why of all places, just aha here follow the compass?

Shooting an exasperated glare at him, I give orders.

You need to connect the two actions with a preposition.

A flurry of action fills the deck, and I frown at the darkening sky. Clouds as gray as iron float together in the sky and I frown.

Hmm. Really? Frown twice? Either she didn't really frown the first time or she frowns really deep. She should take a selfie.

Muttering, I say, "Really? Rain, now? Screw the world."

Rain? Sailors don't care about rain. They care about the storm and turbulence that rain brings. Why didn't she see this coming? Shouldn't she have a weather glass or is she the worst pirate I have ever heard of?

I smile wickedly as the ship sets off.

Sets off is a lame word. Make that plural. Use something related to sailing more closely. Instead of "set off" which can be using any type of vehicle, and thus is not the most precise.

Tristan leaves, and I am left alone at the helm.

Whoa! Hold right there, pirate! What happened to the ship's pilot? Yeah, jack sparrow likes to steer for himself, sure, but in this case the captain just got to the bridge. What if she gave orders to sail without getting to the helm? Are those moments time for the ship to flounder rudderless?

The clouds break open their gates, and rain starts to pelt my head.

Connect this two parts closer. Make rain a "delivery" of some sorts of clouds, and in the process use a -ing suffix. Try to be concise.

I scan the horizon, looking for any sign of caves.

Lostthought and you must be the same person. Both of you are looking for caves. Besides, caves in which ships can enter are really big.

What a ship actually needs during a storm is landmass which cuts off the wind, for which fjords work marvelously. Wide inlets are not as good because there is less cuts to the wind.

I see a wide inlet and slam the wheel to my right so hard that the ship lurches.

What kind of land are we headed for? Marshy? Trees? Cliff? Rocky? Plain ol ugly? Tell us! Right now I will assume a shore filled with cannibals. Good.

Tristan yells to me above the sound of the storm.

Suddenly, a great swirling storm which only pelts out rain comes to drown all our voices. The end.

I ignore him. "HEAVE ANCHOR!" The ship slows to a halt, and I call my crew to me. "I want each person to have at least five hidden weapons on their person. If you're going to bring gunpowder, make sure it isn't wet, for Mehnkal's sake." I stride to my cabin and strap as many knives as I can hold onto my person. I close the door quietly and come back onto the deck. I scan the number of heads and make a quick count. Good. All of my crew is on deck. I walk to the railing and choose to lead by example. Heaving myself onto the pole, I push off and land with a splash into the ocean. A chill runs up my spine, and I shiver from the wind. Taking a deep breath, I dive under the waves and struggle to the shore. I pull myself out of the ocean and set off stealthily. The rest of my crew follows, and I see the glimmer of steel catching on the moonlight up ahead. Signaling to Tristan, I explain to him in hurried whispers what I am going to do. With a nod, he falls back and I go forward alone.

Mother of long paragraphs!!! Save us from your offspring. This paragraph is wrong on so many counts.

One. What happened to the clacking of an anchor as it goes down.

Two. Anchors don't teleport. You wouldn't stop suddenly, especially not in a storm which drowns out sound.

Three. They have been sailing for like ten seconds and suddenly they want to land.

Four. What exactly are the knives? Small steak knives? Big ugly parangs? Stilettos? Penknife? Skinning knife?

Five. I can hold two knives. One in my right hand. One in my left. I can't hold anymore effectively unless they are throwing knives, in which case I wouldn't have them strapped to my person.

Six. Everyone gets off the ship! Yay! Let the mermaids have a turn on wood.

Seven. What exactly happened to the ship boats? I know stealthy and all but boats. Hello? Is she a mermaid? I suppose so. How far from land did she land? A hundred feet? Five hundred? Fast swimmer. And also she holds her breath for an awesomely long time. I mean. The relief when she gulps in again. Wow.

Eight. Is she is landing far from shore so as to not be seen, she shouldn't see the cave or whatever, unless she's freaky good sighted or has a glass. If I had internet connection while writing this review, I would so put some memes. With barbossa and jack.

Assuming a casual stance as I approach the sentry, I draw a dagger and press it to my skin. "So, why exactly are you still here?"

Wait. There was a sentry? Not just a steel monument shining in the moonlight? I mean. Awesome noob of a sentry.

The pirate wrinkles his brow. "Who- Do I know you?"

like I said, this sentry is dull. Is being sentry used as punishment? Because, nope. Sentry who doesn't at least call for backup? That is cliché movie on so many levels.

I toss my head and laugh.

What happened to stealth, isn't she like trying to seduce him?

I walk closer to him, but he moon shines on his face, not mine, and I know that all he will be able to distinguish is my teeth.

I'm not going to say anything at all about this. Nope. Nope. Well maybe write a poem.

You are the moonshine

To my teeth.

Trying to be distinguished,

Your brilliance blinds you.

Alright now that was a horrid on the spot poem.

He draws a gun. "Look, girlie, I know I don't know you, and if you take one step closer to me this bullet will be in your heart. Understand me?"

If I threaten you with a knife, and you draw a gun, that threat wasn't really worth it, was it?

"What are you sayin'? What's your name?"

Rule one of character interaction. Never make a minor unnaturally dumb simply to show the brilliance of the main.

Rule two. Always break rule one.

I take a small step to the right, unnoticeable to anyone who isn't anticipating it. He's not, and he doesn't move with me. "Oh, that! Arianna Keinr-" I skirt around the bullet that follows and dart around the guard.

Yay! Bonus point for stealth! Are they like in a dance? So sad for her, because they don't move in harmony. So he does actually anticipate fast enough to pull the trigger in her direction, but she's still a bad pirate, because she doesn't see that coming a long way off enough.

He gives chase, but I am small, and I soon lose him. "Thanks!"

Whatever is that thanks doing there? Is it to fill 800 words? Won't the sentry go back to tell the rest? Oh wait, dumbest sentry alive. Or dead. Show some coldness from the MC. Kill the dude already. I mean, you have plumbing.

I scale a tree, looking for the tell-tale glow of a fire.

I dub thee Monkeyanna. Of all things to do, climb a tree, instead of getting a crew person. Leading truly by example.

I find one on the opposite end of the island, and I set off running for it.

I thought this was an inlet? It's a big enough Island to have an inlet, yet small enough to see all the way. Yay! Good for pirates!

As I near it, the rocks near my feet become larger, to the point where I find myself having to flip to get over them.

Tai chi movies anyone? Argh-har! Tada! Reached the next rock.

I spot a figure sitting, presumably alone, but I see three shadows on the cliff. There he was. Salian.

Salian must really be a recognizable figure. If she can see him, he can see her, considering the terrain. Also why not just snipe him off right there? Doesn't she have many knives? Wouldn't she take a gun or something from her crew or are they as worthless as Sparrow's?
End of chapter four.


Regarding chapter five. It's ok, but you could really do better. Come on! A tyrannical father with cowering assassins and pirates? Pirates who talk loudly to ask their captive to keep quiet when they need stealth. You have to decide between ninja and cold-hearted killer. Don't make the MC and her brother so strong just yet. Make this about their path to strength. Strength isn't readily drunk from a fountain or something.

Since I've already spent four hours on this (!) I'm going to point out the general areas in which you need to watch out for instead of picking out every single mistake out.


The biggest most glaring mistake that you have is that you are in info-dump mode. I mean, yay! Who doesn't like more information! However, temper this factualish reporting with memorable descriptions. For example, when aria kills the pirate by slitting his throat, everyone will know he either died by blood loss or choking, depending if you hit the artery or not. In this case you did, so you have to show how the blood spurts away, maybe cover her fingers and boots with it. Have you ever slit a living thing's throat, or seen it slit? Yeah, it's bubbly, but that's because of the force of the volume of blood gushing out. It sort of drains it, and in a human there is a lot of blood. I mean, a lot!

In the previous chapter, we have aria striking out from a ship, and now we have aria striking towards one. We need something more substantial than differing locale to go on. What does the ship look like? I mean in the previous chapter she sees a figure, and suddenly she's headed for a ship. No connection whatsoever.

You often give the MC an action to do, like eavesdrop on Salian, and don't follow up. Did she hear any more? Was it distinct? Did she need hearing aid?

Yeah we know she's going after her brother but why go after a trained assassin who has a deadly record? I mean., reputation. Rule one of assassination: assassins who are known as such are impotent.

Even more frequent than relapses of followup is repetition of an action already done. Aria dives into the water. Aria then takes a deep breath! Aria doesn't drown, because she now dives into the water. That is the basic of what happened to aria.

I was thinking why would she go for the ship without first trying to get more information from Salian? Is she so impatient that she can't help but make mistakes? You should have her more careful, and yet fall.

I find it just as unlikely that there is only one pirate on a ship. Yeah, if it were a canoe with sails, maybe I'll take that, but no it's a full ship with decks, you have to have hands on board when not ported. Basic sailing sense. Even if five or six, from the looks of it, that is the barest minimum your ship can have. Most ship of a corvette (average size of a sailing pirate) have at least 40 sailors, and out of that shore leave is never granted to more than 35 at a time unless it is a total overhaul, most likely due to battle, in which case there wouldn't be a full complement of sailors.

If the ship is so close to land, why doesn't aria first sabotage the ship boats? Does she feel that there is no need to buy time? Why didn't she kill that sentry in the first place? So that there could be an easy way through for Salian to find out her presence? I just think this could be a lot more realistic.

The last point I want to make is that you have to be super careful of your tenses! I know you love writing things fast, but this doesn't make the chop. Preset is changed to past in the blink of an eye, and back again. Point of view is less troublesome, but the fluidity is simply astounding. If we are going to be first person, let us remain so. It's hard to be reading from a third person's point of view with the language of a first person POV.



Keep writing!

'Ello! Rawrafied here, representing Royal Navy, to enjoy this lovely segment of your story. Warning, I haven't had the pleasure of perusing through any of the previous chapters, so ignore anything addressed previously.

...the crash of the waves and the hum of the wind.

Nice description/personification.

I look at his boat, sweeping the water, and rocking side to side.

Commas should be removed here unless the speaker is sweeping the water and rocking side to side. Which, I'm assuming, is not the case.

This way, I would be invisible to anyone who looked for me.

Tense agreement issue. You've established this story in present tense, therefore is should be 'will' instead of 'would' and 'look' instead of 'looked'.

The pirate struggles, but, I have too good of a hold on him to allow him to get away.

Remove the comma after 'but'.

I growl. "Not one word."

Speech tag. Use a comma, instead of a period, after 'growl'.

He utters the one word that I have been hoping that he will not. "Queen."

Use either a colon or a comma instead of a period because this could be either a speech tage of the quote is a concluding thought.

...I draw the knife across his throat and all that comes out is a breathy whine.

I think 'swipe' would work better than 'draw'. The later implies a slow movement and may not completely sever an artery. The former is a surer sign that an artery was punctured which will make the death in the following sentence make more sense.

Gonna stop here. Hope this was helpful. Happy Review Day and fahrvergnugen!

Hello again. ^^

I look at the swaggering walk that Salian uses when he knows that he has won.

And so she just looks at it? I'd be glaring daggers at him.

I hear a splash, and watch as the body sinks to the sea floor.

Unnecessary comma alert.

There are no prisoners-

Add in the bolded.

I walk up to the pirates' living quarters tuck myself into a little shelf and wait in the dark.

Should be a comma after "living quarters".

and I as I start to untuck myself

Random I.


Okay! So this was a pretty short chapter, but it was totes packed with action so that's good.

One thing you should make clear: is Salian on her ship or his? If on hers, then how did he get there? If on his, then how does she hear him so clearly? Is she hiding from his sight? Is he near the edges of his ship? Help us see the picture.

I'm still wondering how Arianne got the proclaimed title of the Pirate Queen. Did she have to kill someone (or someones) to get that? Or is it like Xena: Warrior Princess? Was it just given to her?

The ruthless killing she does shows me that she's indifferent about it. She gave that pirate a chance to live by keeping his mouth shut and he didn't, so she slit his throat without a moment's pause. This shows me that she can be stoic. She didn't even blink about it. So far, the only compassion I've seen from her is when she's with her brother. And now that he's gone, I see her as a heartless killer. Therefore I have no sympathy for her. x)

So far, so good. I look forward to seeing chapter six!

Hope this helps.

~Iggy