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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Wow, this is intense! But I like it! I would love to see more of this as it comes out!
The prophecy line needs to be all italicized. Also, I don't like the formatting, when read it sounds choppy.
This one: "A faery shall be the last
Fire will vanish, evil will reign
Blood of life and love will heal a curse.
Not yet upon her seventeenth year,
Princes from the worlds will fall at her feet
A choice shall be made, by the one who loves her most.
She, with,
Skin as white as snow
Lips as red as blood
Hair as dark as night
Eyes as blue as ice
And her name…"
That would be better being reformatted as:
"A faery shall be the last; Fire will vanish, evil will reign. Blood of life and love will heal a curse.
Not yet upon her seventeenth year, Princes from the worlds will fall at her feet. A choice shall be made, by the one who loves her most.
She, with,
Skin as white as snow,
Lips as red as blood,
Hair as dark as night,
Eyes as blue as ice.
And her name…"
All italicized, that would make it SO much easier.
Also, if Aurora is the girl of the prophecy, then you need to emphasize her looks more, so that it's obvious she's the one they mean.
This is very confusing. You don't really say why she needs to get married until after she's met all those guys. We need to understand those things before. We also don't know much about the people in this. Try to be more descriptive and tell us more about what's going on and why it's happening. Why is a big thing here, there's a lot of stuff that's just happening for vague, unknown reasons.
*Until after she's met all the guys, I mean. Sorry
Hi! So, I haven't read the original prologue or first chapter, so I'll just talk about how what I've read stands, on its own merits. I enjoyed reading this. The idea is intriguing, and there are a lot of potential directions that this novel could go. I fell as though at the start of each chapter it took a little while for you to get into the swing of things, however, once you did, the story was really enjoyable to read. It didn't drag, maybe it got a little bit close to feeling rushed, but generally, the pacing was pretty good.
I think you could have found a less blatant way to introduce the two sisters as being the goddesses of good and evil. Maybe by working it into the story, or using different sentences, even to introduce who Mehnkal was, then who Naith was. I like the names, though.
I don't know if this was an error with typing up, but if this is still part of the prophecy, then it should be italicised as well.
There are a few paragraphs in this which feel a bit chunky. The one starting with 'Court of ascension...' in particular feels as though you either need to cut out some the descriptions between Aurora's sentences. I like that you've tried not to have massive paragraphs of speech, but this doesn't feel like it works.
Tiny nitpick - you need an apostrophe in 'let's'.
I really liked reading this. It feels very original, and I like the twists on the typical faery trope. Well done!
Thank you for your review! I'll get on that!