Gorge 9/9/2023
Away from the group.
We make our way down the old trail, climbing rocks and pushing plants.
Taking risks we shouldn’t by walking next to drops that could kill any man.
Funny the adults even let us go.
They didn’t realize we could very well get lost.
Oh well.
Bonding with the boys I’ll hike around the mountain with.
For today is only the beginning.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hey there! I hope you are having a wonderful day - just stopping to review this interesting piece, so let's take a look! I'll be reviewing this using the YWS S'more Review Method to organize my thoughts.
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know | Interpretations
I interpreted the poem to be written in the form of a travel-log - kind of a cool format! I don't know if the rest of your "Experiences" collection are in the same form, but it's a compelling way to write poetry. I might suggest formatting the header of "Gorge 9/9/2023" to the right, just to keep it a little more stylized but I like the simplicity of the formatting - it clearly communicates the context without the need of any extended author's note.
I interpreted the content of the piece to be pretty literal to what it says - the speaker decided to diverge from the rest of their group, along with the other "boys" and away from the adults. Not sure how old the boys are compared to the adults. But the speaker seems care-free and emboldened by the danger they are facing.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
While you have the implied threat of danger and risks, as a reader we don't really get to see those described - I think going into a little more detail painting a picture ("Show don't tell" as they say in novels) would help increase the excitement and tension of your poem. Is the speaker scared? Are they scaling a cliff and about to fall? What does it look like? What do they imagine / think / feel / hear? Those sorts of details can go a long way into creating a scene for the reader that makes the poem "pop" and stick in a person's mind. The header at the beginning says 'Gorge' so that may even be one aspect to delve into more deeply.
I don't know if this is covered in a different section, but it would help me picture the scene to know the approximate age of the boys I think - as I don't know if they're young children or teens from the context of the piece.
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I like the combination of descriptive and casual almost thought-dialogue, like the "Oh well" part makes it just seem more organic and realistic to me. I kind of like the uneveness of the lines and just casualness as it really came across as a travel-log - you've got a good concept here, just delving a level deeper into the details will go a long way I think!
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall, I have to say I'm intrigued and enjoyed the read!
Hope this helps! Thank you for sharing your work!
Hey CornDog, Icy here for a quick review!
I really like the structure of this and the simple language you've used too. It's very reminiscent of how someone might talk about childhood memories which almost gives it a nostalgic tone despite it being set in present day. It's something about the 'adults let us go' which reminds me of when people talk about their childhoods and how the adults never knew what was going on. I like that connection.
This line was slightly out of place for me
The 'kill any man' was a bit too intense in the context of the rest of the poem I thought. There's always the hint that something could go wrong and the adults don't know about it but this almost felt too explicit versus the tone of the rest of the poem.
I really liked the last line in particular, it hints at more to come which I think works nicely with the fact you're writing these poems as kind of a series.
Thanks for sharing!
Icy
Hiya! This is Orabella here with a short review.
In a poem about my life,
At first I thought "Gorge" said George. George? Who's George? I don't know a George. (I think)
I also thought that "drops" meant some kind of poisonous plant rather than a cliff.
Yeah, my brain went on vacation today.
Hey wait a second! (This is the point when I notice the date) This is recent! And it's only the beginning? What's been going on the last few weeks?! You better not be jumping off of cliffs, young man.
(Young man? You're the same age as me. I don't know what's going on with me today just ignore me please–)
Anyways, like all your others, I really enjoyed this poem! I think it's so cool that you're writing about your life in the form of a poem. If I tried to do that... it'd probably turn out like this:
Spoiler
today I slipped on the stairs
I was in such shock that
I almost fainted.
I wish I ate an apple yesterday.
Yeah it would just be really random and uninteresting. (And weird. Like, who gets [i]that[i] scared from slipping down stairs?)
It cool how you're foreshadowing. "Today is only the beginning,"? What does that mean? What's going to happen next? Will you all get lost?
Although it's really short, it makes me want to read more because it's so interesting. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope you have an amazing day/night.
Keep writing!