Disclaimer:
Exp. 10 is very much irrelevant to Exp. 12. Exp. 10 has some connection to Exp. 9. I'm mainly including both of these in one post to put them out because I have more works to push out.
Her 6/24/2023
Back home from camp
I’m in a good mood
And I text her
She seems…dry
Not excited
Not happy
After not talking to her for a week, I’d expect a bigger reaction
She’s having fun, so I let her
And then a paragraph comes through
A break up message
My heart sinks
It falls to the very bottom of my core
I can’t believe it
The girl who had fallen in love with me
Now fallen out
A platonic relationship is what she wants
Between us
I just need time to think
I can’t deal with this
Maybe
I
Should
Kill myse-
Nevermind.
…
Big Munson 7/26/2023
The horizon makes itself visible
For all to see
All the watchers
All the crews
We all watch from the beach
The island is always so pretty at golden hour
It made you forget the hard work
The sheer beauty caught your attention
Almost addictive
Not being able to look away
The configuration and mixture of the clouds
They create a masterful canvas across the clear sky
Making it hard to not gaze upon
Island life just gets better
Wish I could stay longer
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Canary word: Present
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125,705 Literary Works • 672,933 Reviews
Hiya! This is Orabella, here to review!
I'd like to apologize on how long it took me to review this. I was a bit intimidated by the mature content symbol, and pared with the severe lack of time I've had the past month, I'm afraid I wasn't able to review this. But I'm here now!
For part 10:
Suicidal thoughts? I... didn't expect that. Wait, this is based on your real life, right?
Are you okay?
...
This was really well described. I can tell that you really loved her. It's nice, at least, that she still wants to be friends. Maybe she just didn't feel the same way. Which happens a lot, both in stories and real life.
It starts out light and nice, but it's clear something bad is going to happen. "I'm in a good mood" makes me think it won't last for long. And then we get the feeling something bad is going to happen with "her", who I assume is a girlfriend.
I think ten is my favorite. It's full of feelings, and well communicated ones at that. It also makes wanna cry...
For 12:
I love the descriptions! I can picture myself on that beach, with the waves crashing against the shore and the sand tickling my toes.
Too bad it doesn't last longer.
It seems so peaceful, just being on that island with the beautiful sky and the (hopefully) nice people. Now I wanna go there!
Again, sorry it took so long for me to get to this. Please, keep writing these! I love them!
Thank you! I appreciate you asking about my well being. Yes, all of these experiences really have happened. I am much better now.
Hey! Great work here. I do think if you didn't intend for these poems to be related, then you probably should have posted them separately--especially since they aren't in order either. In poetry especially, we pay a lot of careful attention to formatting, context, and the general way in which people must read our poems. If it's a matter of points... leave a few reviews! The Green Room is an awesome place to look.
Now then...
On Experience 10:
The thing I like most about this poem is probably your choice of line lengths and how it creates a rhythm and structure in the piece. Lines 11-17 have this nice short-long pattern that really adds a kind of up-down feeling in the rhythm and reinforces the up-down feelings of the words themselves.
Then in the last few lines you go down to a word per line, which gives this drag to the way we read it aloud. (Actually I'd break that second to last line into two as well, for consistency and to really sell the cut-off).
The thing I'd want to see worked on is the description of the texts. What about them makes the partner seem dry and unexcited? Is it the word choice? The length of time? If these are in an app, not true SMS, then is there a kind of foreboding in the typing dots?
I think if you explore this aspect more deeply, it will do a few things:
You will have the opportunity to add in some really strong, evocative, and active verbs that the words in those texts "do". It could create an opportunity for another kind of line structure like in the later sections. And being specific about the texts could create that kind of... "universality in specificity," where the specific context and content of a scene add to its ability to connect with lots of people due to the groundedness and sincerity that often comes with being specific.
Now, on to 12:
I love the end of this poem! I can't put my finger on why, but those last two lines have something about them that really closes this up with a tidy bow without loosing the looseness and freedom of your style.
Same as with the previous poem, I'd really like to see you be more specific. It doesn't have to be long or drawn out or purple prose--actually just changing lines one and eleven I think would make a huge difference. Since you are reacting in this poem to a really beautiful sight, I think using some poetic devices like imagery and personification would help. Even just being specific about the colors would go a long way.
Anyways, that's my two cents. Hope this helps!
-Vento
Thank you!