Shimmer and Shake

by TheClosetKidnapper

Published May 5, 2012

In Poems

Shimmer in the light,

playing tricks on the mind,

the ghost in the corner

silently cries.

After all she has been though,

after all she has done,

the ghost in the corner

has finally won.

As her tears fall like ashes,

the fury inside grows,

the ghost in the corner

finally knows.

As her lover walks through her,

as her friends pass by,

the ghost in the corner

finally dies. 
Comments & reviews · 1
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SirTobes
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SirTobes commented Comment · May 13, 2012

Ooooh, creepy.
I like this, I really do.

Emotion: * * * * *
The emotion in this one is terrifying (in a good way), it is very well described, and the added appeal of the rhyme just tops it off. Some poems, can really be ruined because of the rhyme, but in this one, it would of felt of place! This made me feel like I was the killer, and my favourite line was this:
(I can't figure out how to quote yet, sorry!)
As her tears fall like ashes.
The emotion, five stars!

Idea: * * * * *
I get the idea, it's sad, and you put it across well, and you seem to have written it prepared. Instead of juts writing it with no idea. Five stars.

Writing: * * * *
Four stars. The writing is excellent, I wouldn't of wrote it better myself. I have a little idea for you, you could explain a bit more what's going on. Who is she? Why is she like this? Adding a couple more lines could help. Your description was great.

Grammar and Spelling: * * * * *
I love your grammar. I could learn from you. Heh. Five stars.

Overall: 4.75 stars.
Greta little poem. Great emotion, descriptive language, well written, good grammar, nice idea, but maybe a bit more explaining. Well done, and keep writing.

Tobes- 8)
Hope this helped.



Life is a banana peel and I am the fool who dared to tread on it.
— looseleaf